Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The crack in my separated life...

i would like to add: not to speak to them in a way that requires them to "parent" him. THEY are the children here. THEY are the ones who need consoling, nurturing, and thoughtfulness.

i know you know this. he's the problem.

Yes, make sure their IC knows this is going on. He's crossing their boundaries in a damaging way.

Hi SB,

I think that there is a correlation between guilt/shame and his behavior. The more guilt and shame, the more overt anger, spew and acting like they are the victim. It is his way to try to distance himself from the shame he feels.. he can not face it.

i agree with bug on talking with the kids IC... so glad to hear that they are going to talk to someone.

You are staying so strong, SB... Hope that you are doing good things to take care of yourself.

((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))

Kinda silly to be writing this, but I thought I would since it just was another person to validate how awful OW is. Its a small town I live in and Im a part time teacher at the school. Today, something came up and a teacher said she had heard and knew the OW very well for years. Said that OW was her hairdresser (OW still holds this profession) and that she spent years getting her hair done by her and listening to her stories of many relationships! Said that she is all about herself and that she could come across kind to some, but that she had a terrible relationship with her kids all the years that this lady knew OW. I knew OW had been divorced, but apparently she has always been into different men and bars. Now, she could have changed by now, but honestly, I doubt it. I mean, look what she is doing...dating a married man with children and doesnt care a bit.

This leads me to believe that she is helping along the talks of "everything will be fine" and "the kids will get over it and be fine" etc...

I just got a bit of satisfaction today knowing how this OW is. I think I already knew, but she really has never had morals it seems.

I hope that one day he wakes up and sees what kind of lady he is with. Before he moved out, I told him about her reputation and all he could say was that it wasnt true, she is so nice and that I dont know her. Well, I may not know her, but 1/2 my town does and they all say the same thing....he is BLIND!

Just wanted to tell someone my satisfaction of knowing more about how this OW carries on....if only my H would see it....

BTW..the teacher that told me hardly knows me..so she isnt just saying these things to make me feel better...she really was serious when she said that OW is all about OW....cant see how my H would like someone like that....because that it totally opposite of me...I was always about everyone else BUT ME!!

Thanks for the advice about talking to IC for the girls. I did have a nice convo with one yesterday when Youngest went...she agrees that H is acting like the child and my kids the parents sometimes. I dont think he will ever get the "poor dad" from my girls, but they did just recently tell me they are scared to say anything to make him mad for fear he will cut off their cell phones...so sad:(

I also agree that he is full of shame and guilt and he hates that he isnt the victim and that I have so many supporters in my life. I do think he wanted me to be in a puddle on the ground and because Im not, he is angry. He is meaner now than before!

Hate to say this, but prepare for it to get worse. I hope I am wrong.

The more his tactics don't work, the more bees he is going to load into his bonnet.

Over in mlc-land we call use pretty metaphors such as : venomous alien spew monster...you get the idea.

It is funny (in a twisted way) how they affair down, isn't it?

Hang in there!



T^2

Hi Sweet briar,

I've read through the last two pages of posts here.

What caught my eye was the synchronicity in the information you received about OW. And the spew.

Im so glad you received this information about OW. Sounds like she's got quite the reputation. I too live in a small town, so word spreads like wildfire so I understand this. Same with the OW in my sitch. Some people seem to think she's nice, but as you get to know her it seems people run in the other direction. My SIL is one of the most patient people that gets along with everyone or makes a point of it. She can overlook alot... sometimes too much. When SIL told me she was "done" with OW, I knew it had to be pretty bad! LOL!



The alien venom spew.... it's just shocking at times. I too experienced the accusations, scathing texts and emails, and oh yes XH went whimpering to family about how horrible I was to him and that I was using parental alienation on my kids. This was all last Thanksgiving. Oh he had OW and his cousin telling him he needed t seek sole custody of the girls because of this!


At any rate, I too was given some important information about OW from someone I didn't know from ADAM! I feel this is divine intervention! Always pay attention to little signs, because they're there! I remember that day, it was so bad, I was so down. And I said this prayer to the Lord. I prayed that even though I knew it was my ego that needed stroking, I sure would like some info or proof that the sitch between OW and XH was not a bed of roses.

About an hour later, the delievery man that comes to where I work was dropping off some stuff. AS I was signing and checking pacakages, we got into a conversation about our X's. I mentioned I was going through a divorce. This guy was old enough to be my father and was a local man though I never had seen him before. He went on to tell me a little about his painful divorce (oh poor man I really felt for him) and then he asked if he knew who my XH was. As I told him where XH used to work HE IMMEDIATELY KNEW THE SITUATION AND THE OW INVOLVED.

As it turns out this man had a long lasting battle with OW in regards to OW's son cheating his son out of some money, and they were trying to collect it. He said " That woman is a piece of work. All she wants is money and if your H has any money that's why she's there, and he won't have it by the time she's done with him".

That made me feel alot better....and guess what? It's semi ringing true. XH is broke, and she had to get a job. I think a good reason they may remain together is that they're both gaming addicts and want a constant gaming buddy, so they stay together.Their cirlce of friends do not live to game. OW lived off unemployment for 2+ years gaming and having her children and last boyfriend support her.

It does help to know that she isnt a great gal, this OW he is with, but really, everyone can tell me how awful she is and it wont matter because HE LOVES HER:( He doesnt think these things and he is so blind that he believes she is this great thing he has.

I had a sad day today. I guess that is to be expected during all this. I have been doing really good emotionally but for some reason today I just dont feel right:( I thought a lot about H today for some reason and I dont know why I allow myself to do this. I thought of a lot of the mean things he has said to me and was thinking that it s_cks that he doesnt love me anymore. How he had changed so much. Last night when he picked up the kids he knocked on the door and then went to sit in his car to wait. Now, this was better and I was upstairs, not at all wanting to see him, but he used to at least come in the front door and get them.

Some days I just want to throw a tantrum myself because of all the things that Im going through and trying to handle well. Today was one of those days. I just feel confused how a man who loved me and his family can just up and leave one day and NOT LOOK BACK! I know this is his problem and a I know that this is how it works with a WAS or MLC but its still confusing.

I have been switching my new phone contacts over and stuff from my old phone and I made the mistake of going through some old texts from him. Back in the end of July and beginning of Aug he was still writing how he loved me and then at the end of Oct he was writing that he fell out of love with me a long time ago and was just too cowardly to leave. These things hurt the most when I start to think that maybe he didnt love me and that he was living a lie.

H did admit to kids at dinner last night that he didnt know why he sent them the picture of the celebration at his moms and that he was just sad they werent there. I hope he saw his brother with his wife and kids and remembered the family he has left behind. How can he not be at a family function and not feel sad that we are not there anymore? Does this man have any feelings left? He said he didnt mean to upset them. He also told them that "your mom" gets all my money now. Does he really not think of what I use that money for??? Our kids and to live....its not like Im out spending any on myself:(

He did try calling the home phone yesterday before he came to get kids and I didnt answer...and now he has no way to text me. I guess it will just be harder to get a hold of me now if he needs to...his problem.

I want to have a nice holiday season this year and Im scared that I wont because of all of this. Some days Im super great and just think that this is his mess and Im moving on and then other days, I fall apart...I saw how upset my kids got over the little celebration they missed out on with their dad...I can only imagine how they will feel for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I wonder sometimes if he even feels anything anymore? He seems so numb and withdrawn...its really kinda scary.

Ditto. My H left. I never knew that he was unhappy. I think he says that just to have a "reason" for his crazy selfish behavior. If you're a real adult, you try to work thru things, especially if you've been together so long and have kids. You don't just turn your back on your wife and kids and walk out. It seems like its so easy for him. We're the ones trying to get thru everyday. We're the ones that hear the kids anger, see their tears, and watch how his leaving effects everypart of their lives. This all done to them by the man that was supposed to love them unconditionally.

I love my H. I hate thinking about us not spending our lives together. But, I only have control over mine. It's not fair that we have to suffer from their idiot, selfish choices.

Oh Sweet Briar...

I can totally identify with you. Completely.

I wish I had the answers. I don't understand why we get such mixed messages. I got them quite simlar to what you've gotten.

It seems like there's a million answers to why these things happen yet none of them really make any sense. I think the hardest part is the anger that is aimed at us and the mixed messages and lies.

Id rather be hurt with the honest truth then to be comforted by lies. And if you speak the God's honest truth to someone, there really is no point in spewing all the time. Just lay the cards on the table.

Do you have plans for Thanksgiving? You're doing really good sweetie, you really are. Doing this with 2 kids and one on the way? Just remember when you're feeling really really down, you have no idea just how strong you appear to others!

yes, I do have nice plans for Thanksgiving...have done the same tradition for my whole life and now my kids lives. We head to my grandmothers (kids great grandmother) house and have dinner there with my entire family. She is 74 and this is something she loves to do! It will be strange there without H this year...its usually when we take a picture of us for our Christmas card..which will just be the girls this year!

I have another question for everyone out there....

Is it normal for WAS/MLCer to completely throw themselves into work? H seems to be at work every Sat, all day, and told the kids its because he can just blast his music with no one there and just do his work. Now, he seems to be there late at night...tonight he called at 9:30 and was still at work. He does NOT get any overtime for this so its not for extra money. I know its a good way to not be at his parents house, which he hates to be stuck at, but he has never been so into work, EVER. Wondering if this is just another way to escape and if its normal?