deb - sounds like your applying all the db principles we have been giving YOU lately! LOL
pib - ya know, that could be - the one thing about my husband is that he has NEVER been alone, he went from living at home to marrying his first wife, divorcing, living with his brother and sil, marrying me - maybe he needs this eh as a chance to prove to himself that he CAN do it - but maybe he will also find out he doesn't WANT to! i can hope right???
ellie - i will be heading to outside sf, between sf and sac - i have posted in the just for fun forum about the northern area db get together, so hopefully i will be able to meet some, gosh i would LOVE to meet you in person, your my heroine
as far as the intimacy? it's been that way since the bomb, and the few times we have discussed it since then he has reminded me "that he doesn't feel THAT WAY towards me" - "doesn't want to give me hope" - "doesn't want to commit to the marriage again" - "wants to give me my freedom if i should want it" (this is because in our religion if we consumate our marriage after adultery, that means i forgive him and then i am not free to divorce)
he is still going thru many issues, so i just leave this one alone, and have for the last 3 months - and if you keep up with my sitch, it seems he is getting a bit closer as days go by
so in answer to your ? - i can't jump his bones, as much as i would like to!!!
Quote: 1) he really WANTS me to go (get a break from me) He really does not want you to go but wants to show you he trust you - I have done the same thing with C when she wants to do things with her family or friends, (albeit not for 7 weeks) 2) he will figure out while i am gone that he really doesn't need me and he won't want me to come back Think "as if" - he will figure out while you are gone that he really does want you back 3) he will find comfort in the arms of another (stupid i know, we are not intimate - he could do that now, and when we were intimate he was having an affair) True - but then confort and intenmatancy are two different things. If he was having an affair with someone else while still being intimate with you and he is still showing positive signs and steps then he is starting to get that picture and will come to realize that true confort is with you 4) i will find out that i really don't need HIM and wont want to come back home your detatching will actually pull him closer to you 5) that if something DOES happen then i will be blamed by friends and family - well goodness kitti, you were GONE for 7 weeks, what did you expect??? Who cares what others think - you are doing this for you and your R - sure you could make a mistake and there are always monday morning quarterbacks - you make the best decision you can and know in your own heart that you did your best
Quote: so in answer to your ? - i can't jump his bones, as much as i would like to!!!
Have you tried the midnight BJ? Might be worth a try if you think you've seen signs of his resolve softening. Does a BJ count in your religion? It's kind of too bad there's that overlay, may be preventing him from intimacy where he otherwise might go fo it.
right now, he has too many issues he is dealing with, and i for one cannot have sex without love so i will continue to wait. i will not force him into anything he is not ready for
and plus, i don't think i am ready for the rejection, should there be one
i will not jump from not even getting a peck on the lips in the last 8 months to giving this man a blow job, sorry, but that is not in my psyche
i think i feel more comfortable to letting him lead this dance, even tho i complain about it a ton (if you follow my sitch) i know deep in my heart i want him to ml to me only when he is good and ready to commit to me and this marriage
Okay, but don't forget - women want to be close to make love, men want to make love to be close. Are you still holding him to things he said months ago? Does he even know you are still interested? When my H was withdrawing from me during the affair, he was still willing to "help" me with my problem of sexual frustration - maybe H would start back up again if you presented it to him that way - as just a way to help you deal with your sexual needs? Guys seem to understand that line of reasoning - and since it doesn't carry such an air of "commitment", it's not so scary.
The way you've both got things set up right now, there'll be no sex until everything is fine - but how can you get to that point without the positive bonding experience of sex???
ellie, i really appreciate you spending time to help me thru this
as a matter of fact, yes, i am still holding him to things he said months ago, because there have been things that i have tried since then that shows to me that he is not ready (in his head) to commit to me. if you look back on my last thread there was even a period of time where even my slightest touch would send him realing.
so i have been trying little things here and there to see where he stands, but he is way too messed in the head to venture into this land yet. we have only just recently developed back into good friends where he feels comfortable telling me things, that is a great big improvement
awhile ago (sept/oct) he had a problem with a bladder stone, he passed it and had a conversation with his dad about it and his dad told him go get his "jewels" checked cause some serious damage could have happened
he made the comment to me after he got off the phone that he wanted to tell his dad, "i hope if falls off cause the damn thing has gotten me in so much trouble i don't need it anymore"
so you see what i am dealing with? the man has issues, long and hard and deep issues that really don't stem from ME but he has to work them out on his own
btw - he is bipolar, and not on meds (another thing is that the meds are to blame for his affair according to him, that they made him so blase that he didn't care)
so we are not dealing with generalities at this time, so all i really have is time with this guy cause i believe he wants to do the right thing ultimately, he just has to work things out in his head before we can cross that bridge
