Lois- I really do understand the pain you are going through. It is so unbelievable that they would do such a thing and the pain is so raw.
MLC is a complicated thing, which looks like it could be so simple - 'get therapy and work on the marriage' Sadly most of them don't. And it isn't up to us.
If you think of them as addicts, utterly hooked on something that in their few lucid moments they know is destructive, it can help us to make sense of what otherwise seems like unbelievable rejection of us and their family.
Your h is conflicted, but he isn't going to stop seeing OW and even if he stops for a while he will very likely either go back to her or find someone else. As Snodderly says, if the crisis is interrrupted before it is dealt with by them, it will resurface in weeks/months/years. I say dealt with by them because it can involve them seeking therapy and outside help. But it rarely does, so I would not pin your hopes on it.
I believe that the roots of MLC lie deep in their past, and represent a part of them that was never permitted to grow and express themselves. I also think it is a crisis of identity. We did a lot of their living for them, becaue of their damage, and they are feeling a loss of personal identity. On another level I also believe it is a crisis of left brain vs right brain thinking, where they construct an alternative reality, rather than dealing with the life they are in. But they are all paths to the same point.
It helps some people to understand more about MLC in order to deal with it - it did for me. Others will say -what does it matter, this is the reality you are dealing with. Both points of view are useful.
This is the time in your life when you will have to dig deeper and draw on resources you did not know you had. It is a time of huge personal growth. There will be many times when you feel like lieing down and never getting up, and this person, your formerly loviing husband is doing it.
Sadly there is no choice. But like any huge endeavour, when you finally work through it - you can look back and love yourrself for getting there, your friends and family for walking with you, and those who hurt you for their damage and their own pain. For me working through MLC has been an explosion of love for others It isn't always consistent, and I don't love everybody all of the time [I am very human!] but I do believe I have more love in my heart, having been hurt so badly.
I wish we could have a glass of wine and a talk, but I send you a virtual hug, because I so recognise where you are today.
Bea, Your posting is spot on and comes from the heart.
Heather, As Bea pointed out, it does help people to understand more about MLC. When I was slammed w/an mlcing h, I immediately began doing research to see what may have been the problem. When his brother told me that my h needed to find himself, I knew then life was never going to be the same for me. I actually took time and "studied" the mlc monster and continue to do so 12 years later.
Bea is correct in saying that mlc is complicated and there is no quick fix for it. Some of them will seek out therapy and they get bored w/it and others will try AD's and then stop for whatever excuse. But the bottom line is that we weren't the "root" cause of the problem and only they can fix themselves, just as addicts have to hit bottom.
Today, I'm a different person, i.e., more compassionate, understanding and willing to actually step back and allow others to fix themselves versus me supplying the answers to how to go about it.
Bea, I'm right there w/you, i.e., a nice glass of wine, a warm fire and plenty of time to just sit and talk as a group sound like a wonderful idea.
Heather, the pain you are going through is horrible and yes, unbelievable, bit I promise you, it will lessen in time. Right now, you are in the early stages of your journey and it's going to take some time to find your balance...but you will. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over your body and then let it go. Usually when the pain is the greatest is when we are learning something new about ourselves and we grow from that pain and experience.
Hang in there. We are all here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, Your h may be offering to do them because he feels guilty and by doing them, it helps to alleviate some of his guilt.
I was on another forum this morning and there were some suggestions there about repairs, etc. to the home and your xh wanting to come there to do them. The suggestions that was posted was to check out your neighborhood or the local paper and see if there are people who do the type of repairs you need done The local schools may have students who are interested in doing hands on learning about certain things and the last one, which I have seen being used is bartering. The person comes to do the repairs and you may be able to do something for them, a basket of cookies, a hot meal, sewing, etc.
Just food for thought...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Feeling pretty low. Had a good cry last night. Taking it easy today. I feel irritated by everything.
I told him today wasn't a good day to come over. I explained I needed my focus to stay on me, the business and the girls--I was honest and said that after our visit, I couldn't focus...could only think about how he laughed at my financial contribution, the reality of his relationship with the OW and the fact he was most likely with her right now... "I HAVE to keep the focus on me. If you would like to visit the girls/help next weekend, let me know. Hope you take care of yourself."
No response.
I'm not sure how I feel about him helping around the house. I know there's an element of guilt, but I also know he misses us and prob misses putzing around the yard. So, part of me says too bad Bucky, you left...another part of me sees at as his way of reaching out to us and stepping back into our lives. Don't know what I will do about that...yet.
Seems best for him to see me as little as possible. My gut tells me that communicating via phone and text is ok as long as he initiates it--or I am only starting the interaction with kids/business info. My gut also tells me that his true feelings are rising to the surface. I need to be a bit of a phantom and only allow him over once a week or even once every two weeks. He can imagine what's going on with me in terms of my GAL.
Part of me feels like a one night stand is in order. He needs to see this doesn't work just one way. Obviously, that's prob the hurt talking, but another part of me isn't sure I could ever accept him back if he didn't experience how it feels on some level-if the playing field wasn't level. Night after night, knowing where he is and who he is with. This is pure evil, the darkest hell I've ever known and the hurt part of me wants him to experience it. Sick but my truth today.
I have awesome neighbors and friends. I don't really need his help. I have put together a great network of support for jobs around the house. It's working really well.
Need to get over this hump. I can't believe MLC. Two days ago, he was telling me I was the one and only. He had made this horrible mistake and now he's back making it.
shi-.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh and thanks for the warm fire, glass of wine and hugs. It means more than you can imagine today. I'm blessed that I have friends who would drop everything to come over for that if need be...
This week was so weird. I couldn't even post on here because I couldn't wrap my head around what he was saying...the good stuff. I think I was partly afraid that I would over think it or jinx it or whatever. Just weird after all this pain to have this little oasis in the desert.
It really DID feel like he peaked out of the rabbit hole like you all say. The real H. It was nice to see that he's still in there.
Need to take this slowly. Build his trust. Focus on me. He's such a teenager right now. We were teenagers together and he was actually nicer back then. This adolescence he's a jerk.
Thanks for listening to me digest all this. I will be reading "Why they run" AGAIN today. Helps.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, They do go back and forth w/their feelings/emotions and that's why it is so very important to detach, go nc and let them go. In a way, when they say you are the only one, it is keeping you stuck in one place while he's out there playing the explorer.
About wanting him to experience the hurt and suffering he's caused you...he does and unfortunately it's not something you can see because it's internal. But, they do suffer in ways that we can't even begint to imagine. Some do share their thoughts as they travel the mlc path and others don't.
I wanted to share a little tidbit w/you because I about died laughing. The other day, my xh posted that he was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Even after all of these years, he's still stuck and wallowing. He's been visiting old, old family haunts the last few months and that most likely means he's just now starting to think about things. He's lost a lot of family members while in the mlc tunnel and his w's health isn't good now.
Even though my xh drove me totally crazy w/his insane behavior, I have to say that after I finally got my sh@t together, I have found the mlc disease fascinating. Why? Because once you can step back and look at the behavior, you come to realize it is truly mind boggling or them and yes, you get to see what your spouse was like as a child and young adult. But keep in mind, I've been on the path for a very, very long time and can now laugh about a lot of the behavior and yes, I'm still educating myself on the disease each and every day. There is always more to learn.
Now, about the repairs, if you can get someone to help you, then do it. Your h needs to learn to miss what he had and he can't do that if he's coming there quite often. You are now starting to get the hang of the one step forward, two steps back.
Always remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are the best Snodderly! And Bea! Wonder how many women and kids you've helped?
My mom has 36 years sober in AA and I've watched her "serve" others over the years. It's like God reaching out through people like you. But, it takes it toll. Hope you take good care of yourself too.
It is mind boggling. I do believe what goes around, comes around... Yes, it may take 12 years, but the truth won't stay hidden forever.
My Dad did this same thing to my Mom. He ended up marrying the OW, making millions and living this life others may only dream about. I always had a hard time with how things turned out. My mother jumped into another marriage that was disasterous and abusive.
I saw my Dad the other day. He's been with us every step of the way through all of this. Our car had broken down and he stopped in and I told him the latest in the soap opera.
My Dad started to tense up and, instead of taking it personally and feeling defensive about his tension... I was able to see it for what it was. My Dad was worried about me. He has hurt watching all this and it probably hurts more knowing he did some of the same stuff to his own kids and wife.
God truly works in mysterious ways. I see that in your story about your XH. How sad.
Here's my funny story. H was over this week and I was telling him about a close friend who lost her job because she has MS and applied for disability. H made some comment about disability and I responded about how a mutual friend had a friend who slept with the psychologist in order to get disability (the OW). I'm like "can you believe that, sick. this woman had sex with her psychologist for disability." He was oblivious, and answered, "Really? wow, that's horrible." dumba$$
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Haven't heard anything. A bit disappointed. Feeling a bit recharged for the week though. Glad I told him No about coming over. I need a break. Still seems unreal. I think he was sincere this week.
Can someone remind me the role of the OW in all of this? Why he needs her instead of me? It's so damn hard.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The ow serves as a bandaid to his pain and suffering. She is there to support him, validate and provide affirmation while he's going through this. She provides the fun and thrills of crisis for him in ways that we can't. Generally she is a weaker individual, the opposite of us. She is there to look up to him, stroke his ego and yes, she doesn't know him the way we do. Mlcers generally affair down, so the ow will not be of the same moral class that we are.
BTW, she will not know about all of his life like we do. We would "expect" him to act a certain way and live his life the way that he use to. The ow, doesn't care how he was and she does not "expect" him to act pre-crisis. All she cares about is that he is w/her, spending money and having a good time.
The mirror image of what he use to be, therefore the op will most likely be the exact opposite of what you are or what he would have been attracted to pre-crisis.
Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
