Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis From the Ministry of Silly Walks (LoisBThread3)

I've had no physical affection or sex for a year. That is initially what prompted my questions about what was wrong.

I'm with you, too, tvs. No way I would have sex with him at this point, but I don't think that is in the near future anyway, given that he treats me like I'm a leper.

Snodderly I just wanted to thank you for posting those links to your old threads about depression.

Everyone needs to read through this thread! Boy it adds up!

This is what I really need to be hearing and learning about now. I think we all tend to get so wrapped up in the titt for tatt of it all, the nit picking, hurt feelings, that we tend to forget were this really comes from.

I've realized that since I've detatched and healed quite a bit Im able to go back in my mind to 18 months ago and really see XH for the horrific pain he was in! I really had no idea that serious depression can lead to such personality changes. Due to the serious spew and completely irrationality I really thought that the depression was just an act to get away and not real.

Heather,
Are you and the girls okay?

Hi Snodderly,

Thanks for asking. Yes, I'm ok. H apologized on Thurs via text. He said "I feel like if f---ed up horribly. I miss my family and my home horribly. I'm truly sorry." He put the dog down on Tuesday and came by to bury him.

He came over on Mon, Tues and Weds. He wanted to come over on Thursday and I told him NO. I said I needed some clarity on what was going on with OW. I was not going to be a third party or plan B. He said "You've never been Plan B."

I said that until she was out of the picture, then he needed to make other arrangements to see the girls.

So, yesterday, we went on a college visit. He stopped by and let the dog out for us. He left before we got home. The girls were a bit disappointed. He came over again today to let the oil out of the car.

Today, he asked if he could come over tomorrow. The girls are home. D18 was struggling with him coming over again tomorrow.

When he came in the house, I blew it. I told him, for our sake, he couldn't just come over and hang out. If he wanted to have a relationship with the girls, he could make plans with them elsewhere. If he was still in a relationship with OW, then he couldn't come over and act the part of this family. I wasn't opening myself up for more hurt. He admitted the OW was still in the picture and that he spends "alot" of time at her house.

He became defensive and turned. He said he was just trying to help me because he still pays the mortgage. I got upset, by this time, he had said things about still seeing the OW that made me angry and hurt. I blew some-- Said this isn't his house anymore. I pay a good portion of the bills and he laughed. I made it clear I didn't think it was funny.

Then he blew and said, "I tried to come over and fix things and I got dumped on again. Maybe I will come over tomorrow with a trailer and take all of my stuff."

He said more--it won't sink in until later. There were things he said that I think were between the lines stuff that he said giving a hint of what's really going on. He did apologize to D18 and he did say he misses his family.

He never says he misses ME.

I'm so confused. I feel like I screwed up. I was doing OK until today.

That's the scoop.

Thoughts?

Heather

He also said--after he said he could just come over and clean out all of his stuff... He said that was "not what I planned on or wanted to do?" Something like that?

I think a part of me was hoping he had broken it off with OW. It's clear he hasn't and it hurts and I feel let down. I know I'm not supposed to get my expectations up and all that...it's just soooo hard. It was the first time he showed some real remorse and actually said he wanted to come home. It was nice feeling something other than complete despair.

Oh, and D18 kept pushing him to introduce her to OW. I think she has some revenge plan in mind or something. She kept saying, "Why don't you want us to meet her?" Like pushing him to say 'because she is a skank." I don't know. But, he seemed to actually consider it at one point which hurt like hell.

Thoughts? Yes, many.
Here's the thing. He is conflicted. You didn't blow it by having your emotions. You just lost sight of what's going on and you're human and have needs, emotions, wants.

What you may want to try and do, although it's not for the faint of heart, is to not fight about it. But rather to just listen and validate at this stage. He needs a safe place to express these emotions and you should be that safe place. This is a critical point if you ask me. This is where the connection can become very strong with you. But it doesn't happen quickly. And it doesn't happen smoothly. But if you can listen without expressing judgement, I think you'll find he'll open up even more.

I don't think you should let him back into the house to live at this point. He may try to push it, but stick to your guns. If he really wants back, he'll make the sacrifices to make that happen. Otherwise, it's just more of his conflict.

Let your daughters work out the relationship with their father as they do. That's part of his journey and you can't be part of that right now.

Make sense?

Hang in there. It gets bumpy from here on out

AJ

Thanks for the support. I get what you're saying about being a safe place for him.

Having him move home isn't the issue right now. I wouldn't dream of letting him back in the house. But, do I allow him to come over and help out with stuff? Isn't that cake eating? If he is still thick in MLC AND with OW--and it seems like he is, then I don't want him around. If he had broken it off with OW, then I'd be ok with him around. But, as it is, it just makes things worse for me. I can't handle the flirty stuff, knowing he is leaving to go home to her.

Heather

Heather,
I'm in total agreement w/AJM about you and your home being a safe place for him to talk. I know it's difficult to swallow what they say, but just listen and validate whenever possible. You are only human and you stated your thoughts to him, now let it rest.

I would not suggest that he return home because he's not faced his issues and resolved them. He's not learned the lessons that he needs to learn, in other words, grow up. If he were to return home half baked, I can guarantee he will run again and it would create more emotional turmoil for you and the girls. Besides, he needs to show you the respect that you should have as well as earn your trust back. He's not done that thus far.

It sounds to me like he does miss the family, but he can't have his cake and it to. I would suggest that he plan to take the girls to his place or out somewhere for visitation. Your home is not grand central station, whereby he can come and visit all of the time. After all, you don't go to his place and do that.

As for doing things around the home, if they are things that you can't do or have someone do, it's okay, but I would suggest having him come one day periodically do them. In other words, line up all of the work for one day so that there is no excuse to continue coming over there.

As for talking about coming and getting all of his stuff...temper tantrum of a 2 yr old. If he can't have his shovel for his sand bucket, then he wants to pack it all in and go home. Poor man/child.

Your daughters are old enough to work out their relationship w/him. Who knows, maybe your daughter is curious to see what the ow looks like so that she can see what her father saw in the woman to leave his family. You just never know w/teenagers!

Hang in there...it's going to be bumpy for a bit.