MKB, does the L know of the domestic violence? Are there any records (police reports)? I am so sorry you had to experience that. Prayers and hugs for you and your children. A bit of cliche but has merit in saying...You were able to survive, take the time (and necessary steps) to thrive!
Yes she knows. That really is the only incident of violence. Mostly he was verbally and mentally abusive. The walking on egg shells to keep from angering him. That is what I meant when I said it was a relief. There are both police records and of course medical records. She basically said not to mess around if he shows up and acts crazy just call the police and we will get a protection order. I really don't think it will come to that. He is completely ignoring us. Like we don't exist. Even doing that with his father. So I don't know. I figure if that's what he wants to do that's okay too. As I said - we all need the time away from him. Kids need to try to work through some of their feelings. For me it is accepting a lost cause. I'm still not thrilled about it. Part of it is just that I was caretaker for so long. That probably sounds dumb. It's like watching a child or someone just make mistake after mistake over and over and not being able to help. Truth is it isn't that I am unable but that he is unwilling. So it is what it is. I'm actually more interested in S reaction and why he told me that when I specifically told him my concerns. He knew or I believe he knew, what that would mean in terms of seeing his father. So my gut instinct is that he also wants him to be held accountable and forced to get the help he needs. After our conversations he also understands that our M is over and that although he may be able to have a R with him I may never be able to do much more than try to be polite for their sake. In some ways I think S is more upset with me for putting up with it. He is much closer to me than his dad actually. all those years we were basically on our own helped foster that but also of all my kids he is most like me and even has the same LL so we communicate very well. I always thought it was ironic H wanted to spend more time with him rather than D's because S could literally be a mini me. And yet he doesnt even like ne. Just ask him! Lol Thanks everyone for your kind words. Yes it was traumatic but I had dealt with it. It wasn't until I realized S was still thinking about it that I became so concerned. Sort of dumb on my part it just goes to show how long things can fester. Boys have it hard. This lack of intimacy and "feeling stuffing" starts early
I really am lucky to be here. Or rather i like to think my job is not finished yet. God bless all of you! Night.
So I am just journaling- It is interesting to me that despite all of this I am still stuck in the same cycle of regret, and despair at times. One would think that once you have accepted the inevitable it would be easier. Also, this ain't my first rodeo as they say. lol Still today has been difficult. Perhaps, it is just a delayed reaction from yesterday. Still no contact from H to anyone. I briefly worried that something had happened to him and resisted the urge to call. Typically though bad news travels faster than good so I figure if something had happened I would have heard. I still keep praying. Keep journaling. My emotions are so erratic and all over the place at times still. I have decided I am going to be neutral when I have to speak with H again. Not really friendly because frankly he's not my friend. Obviously. But I will be business like. That is the best I can do. H has not seen kids since the 27th of Oct. when he was with them about 5 hours then again on the 2nd of Nov for about an hour. And has only called one time. That's awful. I hadn't checked the calendar but seriously that's terrible. I have just quit saying anything about him at all and let them initiate conversations if they want to. My wedding anniversary is next week. I am dreading that. Our twins birthday is next week too. I can't help but wonder if he will even acknowledge them. Maybe I am being narcissistic but it almost feels like he is avoiding them to hurt me and that just [censored]. You would think a phone call wouldn't be too much to ask. Can you tell it really bothers me? Not sure why I am taking it so personally. I guess maybe I am invested in it too. Which means I need to detach. No news there huh? I have times though when I feel amazingly detached. Today has been bad. Lots of anxiety. Also, what in the world do I do if he calls and doesn't respect the boundaries I stated before? Do I just say no?
So S14 just told me his dad texted him this morning. He told him he loved him and his sisters too and that he missed them. Then he said " he hopes he gets to see them soon." nothing to me though and nothing asking to actually make plans. I guess it is a start though and I am glad it made S14 feel better. I just still don't know what to make of the hope business. Like its out of his control somehow. It's ridiculous. And it makes me angry. Not screaming raging or anything just I guess it feels like that is an insult thrown at me. At the same time the only one really interfering is ow. Argh!
Still feeling anxious. Don't care for this. Although spending time with kiddos is awesome! Homemade pizza night. Dancing and loud music. :-( not feeling it. Smile not quite reaching my eyes. I feel like a phony. I know it is important for them though. Hope you guys are faring better.
That is ok MKB. Don't have to pretend to be happy for an evening. Though pizza would make me smile A tough few days you just had so allow yourself to be human.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
MKB - just caught up on your thread. That gun episode has to be the most scary moment of your life, right? I'm glad the memory came back to you and has helped you to take another step away from this. Your feelings sound totally normal to me. Fake it 'til you make it, today. Tomorrow, it just might feel real
MKB, you've been through hell! Remember that at some point, this will only be a bad memory. For now, keep praying, journaling, meditating, and spending time with your kids. They need you.
Don't focus on your H not calling. It's probably best that way--at least for now.
You guys are so loving and giving of your time and energy I really find this to be a true blessing.
As I said, I really don't know enough about guns to really be sure that was what happened. I thought it was. H always denied it and still to this day does. I guess I thought that in the chaos maybe I was wrong. Also, I knew that he was very very very sick. His mind was fractured not working properly.
I still am not wanting a D though. I know that sounds incredibly stupid. Things simply do not feel finished. I dunno. Maybe it is just fear of the unknown. Maybe it is fear of being alone. Fear of success even? Mired in self doubt. It's like having concrete feet. That actually reminds me of a song called Nowhere man. I'll include the lyrics just because it sums it up better than I can. I guess it is essentially GAL. Having a hard time with this in several ways. Just trying to not feel as though his treatment of the children is really rejection of me. And I guess, just really accepting how flawed he is. I never in a million years would have believed he would do this again. Really. Yet, he has. And really cannot come up with any real reason as to why. He just ran. It got too hard, too many responsibilities, too many feelings. Sigh. I better go to bed. I took the anxiety meds and shockingly I have been away for 3 hours since taking them! Woot. That's a record. Night lovely friends. May you have peace at least in your dreams.
Artist: Brandon Rhyder Song: Nowhere Man
Staring out my window I feel the need to get away for a day Find myself again Find out what makes me tick What makes me go 'round and 'round
I feel like I'm walking in circles with a pair of concrete feet Trudging along the best I can tryin' to keep up with the beat But I ain't goin' nowhere fast, call me nowhere man
I put my whole life on display For everyone to see, look at me But I've been on the shelf for a while My cup is rusty, I'm out of style They call me an antique
I feel like I'm walking in circles with a pair of blinders on my eyes But I cover it up the best I can with my legendary smile But I ain't goin' nowhere fast, call me nowhere man
Bridge: I'm surrounded by a bunch of people dont give a damn what I have to say But lately I've been giving less of a damn about what those people think Nowhere can be a lonely place if you let it get inside your head But sometimes I think I'd rather be here instead.
Just another thought that has come to me. Do you guys think one of the reasons I could be hanging on is that DB did work for me in the past and I am having a hard time letting go because it worked so well? Not sure if that made sense? Like I know it works therefor I am still hopeful when I should be moving on?
I gotta say though I am pretty hopeless as far as OW is concerned. S14 and I had a conversation about it earlier. He is plotting. I have told him repeatedly to do nothing as it will have to fall apart on it's own. Then they will blame anything on me and it just reinforces the negative opinions right now. So I dunno. I wish she would just poof somewhere else. Up and disappear. Or better yet, her own H would show up on the scene. That might be good. I have gotten pretty creative with some of the things I have thought up. lol Sick.
I did see a quote on another thread. I can't remember which one it was. I believe the quote read -- Hope is not a plan.
That resonated. For the obvious reasons. Now I really am going to bed.