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Agreed. You have to be firm, and that will sometimes mean raising your voice. No yelling though. If need be exit the room for a bit to cool down and come back later.

Your request for a little time was not unreasonable. You do have a say in these matters.

No, I think it was a totally reasonable request. She drops the move bomb on you and then expects you to be ready to negotiate furniture and visitations without even giving you time to think about it? What you did was fine.

Regarding her moods, on the one hand she's confused and in turmoil inside and that's going to bubble up now and then. On the other hand she's excited because she thinks moving is going to solve ALL her problems and make ALL her dreams come true. So she's going through a wide range of emotions and you saw a few of them. You'll no doubt see more coming up too. Just try to remember to focus on you and not her, you are the lighthouse and she is the storm and raging sea. You are solid and immovable while she is all over the place. Try to visualize that when she's losing it next time.

I'll just throw this out there as a thought from my own sitch- when W moved I wanted to keep my home as "normal" as possible both for me and the kids. So when we started negotiating what furniture she would take, I offered instead to buy her new furniture. She liked the idea a lot so that's what we ended up doing. I spent about 5 grand and went over to her place and assembled it all for her. Some people were telling me "man, I can't believe you're helping her like that" but for me it was worth it to keep my house looking like my house and not like an estate sale had just blown through. Besides, I probably would have had to spend that to replace whatever furniture she may have taken anyway. She did take a few things, but nothing major. I can't stress enough that for me, keeping my home (and furnishings) was paramount to keeping my sanity in this. I think the kids felt the same. It's home base, our anchor.

Hi guys, thanks for the confidence vote.

AS thanks for the info re your S. Don't think I cld stretch to 5 grand but I agree with ur method and will explore this with W.

It wld be difficult for me to have S during the week, but if poss I wld like him friday night into monday morning as keeping the house the same is a great idea. I have decided I won't offer to help her get house ready, move etc. For me that is up to her to do. What I will do is look after S why she gets organised.

Re W moods thanks. I am getting better but she gets so personal! But I guess that's all part of the script.

Messed my db coach session up cos of the clocks going back in the uk!!!! Re scheduled for tomorrow.

Journal/update,

So after yesterdays blast, I had a nice civilised conversation with W re her moving out arrangements and how we would care for Son going forwards. I remained calm but assertive in what I wanted. My main concern was living arrangements for S.

W was taken back when I said I wanted S Friday night to Monday morning when I would drop him at school. She said I did'nt think you would want him all weekend and I could tell in her face she was not expecting me to ask for that! She said it would feel weird and stuttered a bit looking for a reason to say no. When I said that it isnt really negotiable, that it would make sense given I do so much more with him now at weekends and that with work, it would be difficult for me to spend quality time with him in the week, she agreed.

Truth is the old me probably would'nt have asked for this - his special needs mean he is a handful at times. But the last few weeks relationship with S has blossomed.

So I achieved a 180 without trying

It is also likely that step son will stay with me more when he is home from College as our house is nearer to his friends and girlfriend.

So my worry about an empty house has gone. I also get to keep the dog

W agreed with me that our house should stay the same (thanks AS). She would only like to take the TV, 1 wardrobe from eldest S room, dining table and S bed. I agreed to the TV and dining table (easily replaced). I said I would pay for new bed (for S)and wardrobe for her place as it would prob cost more to move them than buy new. She has also managed to get some 2nd hand furniture from various friends which she will make do with for the time being. Oh she also wanted bedding and towels which I agreed to!! easily replaced.

W then started to talk about her place needing lots of cleaning, work doing etc. I said sorry but she is on her own with that one. I could tell she was waiting for me to volunteer given the conversation was going so well (the old me would have done). She looked a bit shocked at first but then said thats fine and asked if I could help with S whilst she sorts her new place. I agreed but also informed her of the dates in the next few weeks when I have my own plans so would not be around. She said absoloutely fine and she could work around that.

Its the first civilised conversation we have had since BD. All in all I felt this was a good step for me personally and W did seem to show me more respect in her interactions with me.

I'm glad that you were able to be strong and that your conversation went well. It's a great feeling when you're able to maintain control during a tough situation and not give into your emotions. I'm happy that W showed you more respect.

You're quite welcome, glad it helped!!



Excellent! Despite the difficult subject matter you did fantastic! Sounds like the conversation in itself was a 180! It just goes to show that even in what some would perceive as the darkest hour of the marriage there is opportunity to show 180's and progress

Thanks all for the continued support.

W was much more open today about her whereabouts and what she is up to. She also said she could not do this without my support! I thought this would be a good opportunity to clear the air re financial support and I said I hope she realises that I do support her decision, but I am not in a position to support her financially and that I have to do what I think is right for everyone. She agreed! and said I know and understand your stance. She re-iterated her need for support with caring for S whilst she gets the house ready and continued support when she leaves. I said I am enjoying spending the time with him and that it is no problem at all.

I cooked dinner and she said it was yummy and thanked me. She even made a joke about how good I would look with an apron on. I suggested why doesnt she go early if there is work to do at the house and I will get S ready for bed etc then she can get back at a decent time and relax. She accepted, thanked me again and went.

Am I being overly nice now? I only ask because I do know one of my tendencies is to swing either way between stubborn/awkward and overly nice! and not always getting the balance right. Not one of my best traits and another thing I have been working on.

I am going out tomorrow night. Again, I had not been telling her full details (wanted to try and work on a bit of mystery) and she has never previously asked. Tonight she asked where I was going tomorrow night and who with. She followed it up quickly with 'you dont need to tell me if you dont want'. I told her - I was meeting an old work friend for a catch up who I have not seen for a few months.

Again, I must stress that I am trying to keep my feet on the ground as I know how the moods can change. But this all seems to be much more positive interaction.

Finally had my first DB coaching session. Thought it went well. Given the time I have now put into these boards and the good advice I keep getting for you all my coach said I had made good progress so far and seem to be learning from my mistakes. Coach made a good point re making sure I continue to 180 W negative expectations about me. More for me to work on re communication so the positive interactions continue.

Coach asked for more detail about W behaviours and confirmed that it was MLC. Even though I prob knew this it was good to get confirmation. I know I should not get hung up about a diagnosis but the research I have done on MLC has helped me curb some of my frustration.

Coach explained that W will likely be building up a support network (OM is part of that and that is where the old friends have come back into the picture). Coach said a trick will be making sure W sees me as part of the support network as opposed to an outsider. Coach said if I had it in me to champion OM (re her leaning on him)and do a complete 180, there is a chance W barriers may come down and she could see me as part of/let me into that network. Not sure if I could do that but I will give it serious thought.

Coach said it is important that she feels loved by me (even thought I am not to say it)and that in MLC she will look for that even thought she may never acknowledge it.

That the anger she expressed noticing the 180's is common and means she has noticed and it is making her question her own thoughts/perceptions of me.

Making W feel loved is still an area I need to work on a lot. Especially given her main LL is words of affirmation! this could be difficult but I will keep trying.

Given I was dreading full separation, now that it is here I finally seem to be getting my act together!

Lots to work on and lots to think about so v productive session and glad I did it.

Thanks again everyone who continues to follow my sitch.

Sorry another quick Q.

Is there any info on what % of M survive MLC especially after S?

I am getting confused.

W was out doing jobs at her new place to get it ready last night. I went to bed before she got home.

Middle of the night I stirred and woke. Guess who was in bed next to me - W. Could she have just forgotten that she has been sleeping in the spare room for the last few weeks, had slipped through habit or what? Could she be testing me? could the fear of moving out finally be hitting home with W? I have no idea!! and I know I shouldnt dwell on it.

But has this happened to anyone else just before W moves out?

I did not mention it in the morning and dont intend to.

Given she is moving out in 2 weeks I just thought it strange (but nice). I thought I was dreaming at first!

Things continue along the right path in terms of my DBing - communication remains better with me and W and she seems to have dropped the secrecy at the moment.

Happy halloween everyone

Good, it's important to clear those issues up as early as possible.



I don't think so, it all sounds good so far. Once she moves out you might consider going more dim though.



Great response, still somewhat vague (man? woman?) without actually dodging the question. Mysterious!



Hmmm, that's interesting. Don't think I've ever heard that before. Most people of course are inclined to do the opposite- trash OP at every opportunity. I'd be interested in hearing how this goes if you follow that route.



Excellent, that's usually how it goes. Once you realize the limbo is ending and you're actually in a position of taking control of your life back it can be pretty liberating. Also you lose all those fears of the unknown, because what was previously unknown becomes known and part of your "new normal".