In my opinion, no it doesn't make them consider what they've done. In order for them to completely hit bottom, they have to have lost everything, right down to their own self respect.
You need to start thinking of you and your children as your family and plan as if he may never return. It may be years before he gets to a point where he's sorry for what he's done and want to reconcile, but there's no way of telling if that will happen or not. Some will regret what they've done, but pride will stand in the way of them trying to reconcile. What you have to do for now is keep the focus on you and your children. I know you love your husband and want him to return, but it's not going to happen any time soon, if ever.
Besides, if he were to return just because he hit bottom financially, that wouldn't stop him from being out on the streets w/the ow or searching for a new one. You do not want him to return for the wrong reasons and then later on leave again. That would be far worse or you and especially your children. Your h needs to grow up and learn responsibility the proper way and that's not going to happen until he's had many hardships and learned from them.
Focus on you and your children. Allow God to have him for as long as it takes.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You did wonderful with that statement. His response was a head spin, trying to guilt you into giving him what he wants. Don't fall for it. Be prepared for him be having some big adult tantrums every time you keep your boundaries firm.
It's good you didn't respond. It's very hard when they react like that and it makes your blood boil!!!
Xh went banannas on me when I wouldn't lie for him to a low income apartment complex about how many days a week he had the girls. I almost did it but changed my mind the last minute and said no. Ya right Im going to tell those people he has the kids 50% of the time so he can have low income housing after he's stashed 1000's of dollars in the bank??
Good for you Sweetbriar! That was a great response and I really do think it was the right decision. Also good for you for not pointing out that he can just work on reconciling.
Sometimes I just feel like I need to let loose, and one thing I've learned to to draft what I *really* want to say in an e-mail, and then save it in my drafts folder, sit on it for a while, and then give a DB response. Sometimes if you don't work out the anger and/or sadness it can make things worse and for me anyway drafting the non-DB response can help. You can also look back over your drafts and see how your thinking changes, and how what you feel in the moment and assume you'll feel forever actually tends to change pretty quickly.
Snodderly is right, you need to move away from the "will this make him reconsider, will that make him reconsider" type thinking. There is no single event that will make him reconsider, just as there is usually no single cause that prompts them to leave. It's a hugely complicated system. Humans like simple cause and effect relationships, if I do X then Y will happen, but relationships and emotions usually don't work that way.
Nothing will make him reconsider while he has OW in his life. He's not thinking that way now. He's thinking that you're preventing him from being happy by making him feel guilty, poisoning your daughters against him, taking his money, etc. etc. Your goal right now is only to try to keep things from getting worse between you by continuing to DB. Getting him to open his eyes, or waiting for the "fog to clear" will take months to a few years before it happens and that is very unfortunate and difficult. You have to take a long term view.
One other thing to prepare yourself for -- he may tell your daughters that he asked to stay with them one night per week and you said no. You may want to discuss this and why you responded the way you did so that they are prepared. I can't believe he would expect a pregnant woman to move out of her house each week and find somewhere else to stay -- what's that?
Agree with Labug too, stay strong!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
H: So that leaves me without a place of my own and without the ability to have my kids...I really should have considered my generosity a lot more carefully
Generosity?????? Wow, these MLCers and WAS's can really come up with some doozies. As far as not having a place of his own and no ability to have his kids, well I guess he's finally waking up to the reality that he has created. You did the right thing in not responding, no matter what you could have said he would have twisted it into something ugly.
I want to echo what the others have said. Well done on the response.
Accuracy-I like your strategy for emails re: non-DB and DB responses. Very helpful and will keep it in mind.
I can't believe he would expect a pregnant woman to move out of her house each week and find somewhere else to stay -- what's that?
Its mind numbing unbelievable what some of the WAS's are thinking.
This will take a long while. You will truly learn the meaning of patience. Focus only on YOU and your children. Congrats on the job.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I agree with all of the above. A week ago that would have blown me away that he could even ask. ((( )))
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
H took kids last night for dinner...uneventful...thank God! He did not come to door this time for either pick up or drop off. Its really easier that way!
As far as me moving out once a week...was never gonna happen! H actually wanted that to happen if he stayed here on weekends. He was okay with my staying here if I allowed him to stay one night a week during the week...but that wasnt happening either.
Soon, it will be my fault he never sees his kids because he has no where to take them. In his mind right now I have taken all his money and he cannot see his kids and IM THE ONE who isnt making it possible becuase I wont let him stay here once a week. UGGG...
Its weird..he acts totally normal when he is around the kids and Im sure his parents and OW. He also carried on a normal conversation the other morning with me...sounding very sane and fine..but then he has these random requests and get angry so quick. I guess that is why no one else may think he is crazy at the moment. He is able to come across to some as completely sane. Is this normal? That they only act crazy around the LBS?
He mentioned to the kids he wants to "hang out" this weekend with them and they will have to come up with something to do....he also told kids that he had no money and that he may be working part time at wamart:) Im sure this was a joke, as he is very intelligent with computers and could get a part time job working with computers making good money any day.
Is it totally bad DB behavior to be a bit happy that he is now seeing some of what he has done? I know this isnt waking him up at all..he still has OW to run to on weekends and get comfort from..but at least he is feeling some effect finally...as I feel it everyday...especially when my baby is kicking and I am sad that he isnt part of it. It really still baffles me...the more I think about him being gone during this pregnancy really has affected me more than I knew. He was SOOOO involved with my other pregnancies..and my girls..and now, NOTHING. There is no doubt in my mind that he has some kind of MLC going on...for someone to just change in so many ways...to not care about the things that were so important to him just 7 months ago...what is that all about?
7 months ago we were still his world...until OW entered it...I still cannot wrap my brain around how these WAS's and MLCers can just up and leave...and leave their worlds behind them...I have a baby coming into this world now...and he will hardly know his dad:(
Just rambling this morning...sorry...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
T^2..I wanted to answer your question about meds...
H was on 40 mgs of Celexa and 0.05 mgs of klonopin for depression and anxiety...I had never seen him better...
When my dad moved in was about the same time doc took him off of the klonopin because he complained about not sleeping well and she put him on ambien that last about 4 nights and he never took it again because of how it made him feel. He never went back to his anti anxiety (Klon) and stayed on celexa.
Then, he got new doc and she put him on wellbutrin and celexa but lowered the celexa to 20mgs and wellbutrin went from like 150 mgs to 200 mgs to now 400 mgs daily. So, he is currently on 30 mgs of Celexa and 400 mgs of Wellbutrin. I have only asked ONCE, many months ago if he thought he meds were right and he said yes. So, he doesnt think he needs any change.
I can tell you, that I noticed this all coincided with the crisis and him leaving...but I am aware it isnt all about the meds..but the change, I personally dont think, helped at all and if anything could have hurt..
I know that changing meds wont change his mind, but I think it helps to be on the right ones with the right amount. He has been on meds since I met him...always for his major depression and lack of self esteem.
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
About the meds, dosing is a balancing act but after all these years your H should be a good judge of what's helping and what's not. We don't know what he is telling his doc. Maybe H is saying he hasn't felt the good in years. "The fog is lifted, I can see what I want."
Doesn't do any good to go down that rabbit hole.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
