Time to draw some boundaries. A simple "Look, I know all about you and _______ -- I'm not an idiot. I can't control you, but I'll be daM*ned if I'll have our marital home treated like a hotel. If you're going to stay out all night, don't bother coming back."
Oh, and when he pulls the whole "deny deny deny" thing -- CUT HIM OFF. Put your hand up in the "STOP" position and say "Just STOP IT. We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to our marriage."
And walk away. Do this every single time that he tries to lie to you.
Panic mode set in this morning. I hate waking up with that feeling. I have been reading DR, but am losing my patience at times. If he thinks I still want a divorce, I feel like the work I am doing is for nothing. I know I feel better about myself and have been creating a better home life for my daughter, so it's not for nothing, but I just want to unload on him sometimes. Tell him I don't want a divorce, etc. Do I tell him that at some point, while setting my boundaries?
The thing is, I don't think he'll ever leave unless I am the one to end it and not because he can live with me and have the OW. I've been in this position with him before, no other person involved, where he has threatened leaving and never does.
Yes, I need to set the boundary I stated earlier, but it blew up in my face before. As soon as he gets defensive, which he always does, I let my emotions get to me and I get defensive. I want to write him an email instead. Is that appropriate and do I make it clear that I don't want a divorce or just let my actions speak for me?
Thanks, mostly just needed to vent, but appreciate any comments.
I just had a slight run-in with H. He was working today, came home, spent some time here, showered and waited for clothes to dry and then got ready to go out. I apparently gave him a look, which I'm sure did, because his response was "Quit with the attitude." I've had an attitude since before he got home, because it's Sunday and he always goes out on Sundays and usually does not return home until the next day. A pattern, he's repeated for the last few weeks.
I know, I broke one of the rules, always be happy, but I just couldn't help it. "Quit with the attitude?" Is he kidding? Where does he get off acting as if I am in the wrong? The longer I am in this, the more I read, the more I understand, but it just it amazing to me that someone is so ignorant and disrespectful. Again, even though he won't admit it, does he think that he has a free ticket to do as he pleases, because I said I wanted a divorce? It's just so messed up. I would never treat him this way.
Hi, first re boundaries, I read this in another thread (If she won't stop the affair) and thought it was worth posting here:
"Your bottom line about legally protecting yourself is a good point that should be taken into account related to the overall goal. And there are lots of ways of protecting yourself legally and still remaining easily negotiable and saving the marriage.
The DBer should FIRST determine their goal.
We should NOT tell someone what their goal should be and related actions should be decided on based on the DBers Goal.
You talk about statistics and 'the majoritiy' without basis. And about boundaries and follow through. Without respect to what the DBer themselves want and without knowledge about what may work for them except for your idea of what their goal should be to move forward on their own and enforce boundaries whether or not this saves the marriage.
DBing is quite the opposite.
First--the DBer determines the goal FOR THEMSELVES. Then--they break that goal up into smaller goals. Then--they work on the most likely outcome to achieve those goals Setting boundaries is AFTER the Last Resort Technique--meaning when all else fails and you are really really really ready to give up the marriage. In NO WAY is this an early on option for saving the marriage and in fact, it may well END THE MARRIAGE.
There are so many options to try first. Some are spelled out in DR and on this site. dbmod"
Second, just found out today that H is back in touch with the old girlfriend he had an EA with in 2008. They are now FB friends. It feels so hopeless now. This is someone who he had a "passionate" affair with, while she was still married, and then dated after she was divorced. She then cheated on him, not sure why other than that's her thing or maybe she got to see the mean side of him that I had seen (I dated him a few years before she did) and that I have seen since. It feels like I have to start this all over again, meaning it feels as though anything gained is now lost. We are supposed to take our daughter to see The Nutcracker on Ice this weekend. I would like to think he is going to be with me too, but I'm guessing he just wants to be with our daughter, and he should be.
I don't know what to do with this new information, meaning how to process it. Part of me says give up and the other part says continue on the path and fight.
Yes, I also think I am done. Getting back in touch with the old girlfriend and then what happened last night when I got home just makes me think nothing will ever change. I can't fix him.
I received an email from my D's teacher saying that my D had said inappropriate words at school. When I got home I asked her about it and wanted to hear her side of the story. Well, my H blew up. Said it was my fault that this is happening, meaning the teacher not listening to my D (which wasn't the case), and sending her to public school, because we live in the city. He wanted to move years ago and it was my fault, "my master plan of living in the city." We had an agreement to live in the city 5 years and then move. He thinks it was 3 years. We've been in our place since 2005. We put it on the market once, but the real estate market was horrible at the time, so here we are. But according to him none of this would be happening if we had moved. As if this would not have happend in a public school in the burbs. Is it me or does that make no sense at all? I might have or might not have. He was verbally abusive, calling me names, in front of my D. He's done it before and it just doesn't make any sense to put up with it any longer. I feel like I failed my D, because I should have left before. According to him, everything is my fault, I'm the blame. He nver takes responsibility. And I get it, because as long as he makes it all my fault, he never has to accept that he's abandoned us, which is what his mom did.
I know relationships and marriages take hard work, but it shouldn't hurt this much.
H2BM, unfortunately when they get like this, EVERYTHING is your fault. Things you really did do, things you didn't do -- even the Great Depression and Stock Market Crash of 1929 was probably your fault.
All you can do is learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries, ESPECIALLY ones like "I won't allow us to use this kind of language in front of our daughter. If you can't discuss this in private with me, civilly, then this conversation is over."
I've always had real problems in my life in this area, and still really struggle with it. The definitive book on boundaries is "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend.
I'm just curious about where your daughter might have learned "inappropriate language". do you, or your neighbors and/or their kids, use such language? or *maybe*, just *maybe* she picked it up from your H? I think that possibility is more likely. no wonder he tries to blame you.
too trusting - She absolutely hears bad language from my H. I have repeatedly asked him to stop. However, in this instance, the boys she was with started it. In any case, he is to blame for that.
After the argument, I spoke with my D and apologized that she had to hear us. I told her that it was wrong and that we shouldn't have spoken that way to each other. I also said that if anyone ever spoke to her, meaning the way my H spoke to me, that she shouldn't be friends with them or date them. She then said, "But then why do you love Daddy?" She's 7. I told her that is was complicated and that sometimes when you love someone you can't always be with them. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but I didn't want to ignore what had happended.
At this point, I don't see another way to go except for splitting up. Unless he would go back to thereapy and take responsibility for what he has done, I can't see us moving forward. I'm tired of giving everything and feeling like I am getting little to nothing back. I want my D to have healthy relationships and need to be an example for her, because what is happening now is not healthy.
