Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The crack in my separated life...

Thank you Thank you for everyones support! I have read and re read all the posts to really take in the advice!

Yes, my D is already in counseling weekly, but Im not so sure that she will bring this up with counselor. The thing is, that if I mention anything to counselor, she will refuse to go again. I dont want to risk her not willing to open up to counselor. Maybe I will call her so that D doesnt know I talked with her and counselor can pry it out? I did talk a lot to D tonight, but I did not attack or bring anything up directly..YET....

I do NOT want her to know about the journal, as I agree with some advice that she needs to have faith and trust in me. I am watching her like a hawk right now and plan on slowly bringing up things throughout the week until it can be discussed. I am not taking this lightly and yes, even thought of Birth control. I must say, that D is a GREAT kid and not into anything bad...has good friends, etc..so this stuff I read is very out of the ordinary...which is why Im so scared! I never thought that she would even consider this...guess the friends and things she is doing arent so great:( I do know that kids experiment, but I never did and still to this day have never smoked cigs or pot...so I guess I just cannot believe that my 14 year old had tried this:(

I so know it must be taken care of, and I do not plan on letting these issues slip by. It did open my eyes a bit though that I have been so caught up in ME and H and I need to refocus. I have not by any means neglected or not taken care of kids..and I have addressed any and all concerns with the kids and really kept them busy among all of this..so this was mind blowing to me to find this. My priority is them and this pregnancy....

Did get another text from H this evening about the "what do you think about me staying there once a week" text. He asked if I had received the previous text since I had not answered. I let it go..have more things on my mind today and will give him a kind but NO answer tomorrow or next day. I will have to see him tomorrow (maybe) when he gets kids for dinner, so I would rather not have to answer face to face.

I have no doubt that not letting him come here is the best decision. I know that I will never be able to heal and detach if I know he is sleeping in the other room once a week and like someone mentioned, possibly texting and talking to OW while here! I cannot handle that and honestly, its not fair to kids either...

I do have some happy news today. I applied for a part time postiion where I sub teach and I got the job!! I love being a sub teacher, but its very inconsistent and I thought that even though Im pregnant, I could use a part time job to get out everyday and have something to look forward to! So, I got it!! I will start working 4 hours a day, 5 days a week! Im very excited..a small step in the right direction. This will not be a job I can live off of later, but for the rest of the school year and while Im preg it will be nice! And I can save the money I make while Im living off the money H gives me!

Both girls got a call tonight from H...only one D answered her phone and he just said he wanted to hear her voice because he missed her so much. 3 min convo with her....wow...what a great dad!

It must really suck to be the WAS...especially when kids are involved and they cannot see and talk to kids everyday...I would be dying without my girls...

I will continue to update on my sitch...

I cannot thank you all enough for the support...not sure what I would do lately without this site!

Would like to text H back soon, before he gets kids tonight...this is my thought on a response:

I want to help facilitate a great relationship with you and the girls and I also am looking forward to seeing what my future holds . To me, that means no looking back, no regrets. In order for this to be a healty, happy and exciting transition for me and the girls, I dont want any false hope or for it to look and feel like our marraige and family once did. If I hear of anything the kids would like to do, I can happily give you suggestions.

what do you think? Shoud I not add the part about not looking back? I want to be nice but firm. Any help is appreciated...Im still new at this nice and firm thing!

and..I dont want to completely close all doors to R, although I dont know if that is even an option...

If this is your boundary I think all you need say is "H, I've thought about it and you coming to the house for visitation with the kids isn't doable."

No matter what, leave out the 'healthy, happy and exciting' part.

And congrats on the job! You have a lot of spunk for a pregnant woman with 2 kids whose H left.

Mama Bear protecting her cubs. Keep that mojo.

Less is more, in my opinion...

"I want to help facilitate a great relationship with you and the girls, but having you stay here would be giving mixed signals."

or something like that...

It's crazy what they come up with, isn't it? When my mlc W was going to move out, she had this idea of coming by the house to clean and cook dinner for the kids while i was at work, and then leaving when i got home...she got a big "That is not acceptable" from me. I still shake my head thinking of it.

I am still catching up on your whole sitch, one question I had about H's meds, how where they changed? Different med? My W was switched to a med that happened to coincide with both of her affair/mlc/replay runs beginning, so curious.

Hang in there!!


T^2

I agree with bug and TS, it's too wordy and it's also vague. You're missing the part about where you don't want him spending the night Maybe "I've thought about it and I don't think it would be a good idea for you to spend the night here." If he asks why just tell him "you and I both need time and space to sort through our thoughts and determine what our futures are". What this does is injects a little mystery into it. He'll start to wonder why YOU need to sort through your thoughts (when up to this point it's all been about HIM), are you slipping away? Could he lose you? Plus you're setting a new boundary when he is anticipating that he can make all the rules and you'll happily accept them. Good DB'ing all around.

I ended up responding this:

Me: I gave your question some thought and I dont think that you coming to the house for visitation is doable. I want to help facilitate a great relationship with you and the girls, but having you stay here would give mixed signals.

This is H response:

H: So that leaves me without a place of my own and without the ability to have my kids...I really should have considered my generosity a lot more carefully

Honestly, I cant imagine he thought I would say yes to this request...but maybe he thought I was considering it? Who knows, but its his problem to deal with...he had his chance to come back and make things work...and see his kids every single day...he chose to not take that chance...

I did not respond...

Good for you Hun, you are strength personified!!!

He will try again...probably the poor me how can you be so cruel?

Stay strong and just stay with your original statement. No accusations, no " well duh you left, you blankety blank". Just words about how you would like the girls to have a great relationship, but no mixed signals

Nice response.

He's had every opportunity to make this right and now it's up to him to put his big boy's pants on and find a place to have them visit w/him. As for the veiled threat of his generosity...well, the courts will decide what he should provide...

I think I need to go buy a crate of tissues. This guy is going to be crying the poor me for a long time. Welcome to reality dude!

Hang in there. You did good! Stay strong and keep your boundaries in place.

Im trying to stay strong! Hard...not gonna lie!!

Does hitting rock bottom financially ever make them consider what they have done and want to come back? All he seems to be thinking is how he made a mistake giving me so much money..not a mistake leaving his family:(