Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused at Where I am - Part 2

Time for a new thread I guess....

Part 1 here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2292329&page=all


Hardest thing in the world at the moment is to not ask her whats going on with the other man.

I realize I am in no position to ask her to stop seeing or communicating with him and that makes it twice as difficult to be under the same roof as her. It feels like I am going against my own values and beliefs.

Im not even sure that they are seeing each other at the moment after me finding out. I still strongly suspect that this 55 year old guy is simply having a MLC and has no intention of leaving his wife of 22 years.

She is so switched off from me at the moment that even basic conversation is difficult. Does anyone have some tips on how to get around this tension? I'm trying very hard but it feels like I am walking on eggshells to a certain extent.

Im still keeping up with my 180's. In our weekend from hell she gave me the 'you have been trying for 3 weeks, I was trying for 3 years' speech.

Anyway, its a long road. Im not done yet!

Scratch that.

I can confirm they are still in contact. And it appears he has told his wife something but not about my wife or an affair. Probably given her the 'Im not happy' speech....

'you have been trying for 3 weeks, I was trying for 3 years' speech.

Is this true? If so, it will be a long haul. Accuray wrote a great post about affairs on Sweetbriar's thread yesterday. It might be helpful for you.

Your spending a lot of energy focusing on them. It really doesn't matter why they are doing what they are doing or how old they are, each ifs filling a need for the other.

Get busy, GAL. Don't have convos with her unless you have to. As long as she is active in the affair she doesn't want to hear from you. You'll just irritate her.

This is tough an yo are very early on, use this time to gather your power, improve yourself.

Yes that line is true, but I never got the message..shame on me!

She doesn't want to separate until at least after Christmas for the sake of the kids.

We had a good heart to heart this morning and got everything in the open. I know R talk isn't good but this seemed to clear the air somewhat.

She seems to think we could play happy families until the separation. I beg to differ and said that while I appreciate her desire to leave, I could not do the happy family thing if she was going to continue communicating with OM.
She is welcome to do as she pleases when we split but I don't feel I should be disrespected like that in my own home. I said that I would go along with her wishes of keeping the family illusion alive until after Christmas on the understanding that communication with OM also stops for now.

In some ways it feels like I did the right thing, but I am sure that you are all going to tell me I have made a huge mistake here!

I have decided that the nonsense stops here, rightly or wrongly.
Im not going to be a doormat for her, regardless of my love.

I guess I will just have to take the consequences.

If its any consolation, she seems to have some respect for my position and has actually been more responsive to me since then.
Im not sure how it will go from this point.............

Probably badly!

I should also add that I managed to get her to agree that anymore talk about our R was counterproductive at this point and we should just concentrate on day to day interactions.

I do think a separation will eventually happen, but I have a feeling she may get that the grass is not greener on the other side at some point.

I just read the Accuray post, clearly I have handled this badly!

What should I do now?

You didn't break anything, it was already broken.

You think she's being disrespectful I think she's being disrespectful and she does too but she's blaming you.

It got your attention, (the A) didn't it?

What should you do now?

What do you want to do?

Do you want to continue living with her until after Christmas?

Just as Acc says, you control what you can control. Take care of yourself and the kids, change what you need to change.

Become the better option.

I want to save our marriage!

I love her dearly and with my efforts lately I have been changing for the better and working on my issues.

I think it would be better if we stayed together till after Christmas but morally I cannot have her engaged in this relationship with OM at the same time. Am I asking for too much?

I guess I just put all this behind me and continue with the DB efforts?

She did tell me today that if she thought there was absolutely nothing left for me she would have already walked! I hope this is a good sign.

She also said that more than anything, she wishes she would get this 'awakening' where she realized what a terrible mistake she is making and how we can turn this around, but she is just not there.

I live in hope and will continue to be the better me!

I have another DB phone session with Jody in the AM and it will be interesting to see her take now I know about OM.

Good about the coaching.

You have to decide what you are able to deal with as far as the OM. If you make a decision that isn't right for you, you'll regret it.

Have you read other threads here, like Alkaline's?