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Jen have you spoken to a lawyer? I think you need to ASAP. Let him intitiate the contacts and when he does listen and validate. But you should not initiate any contacts unless it is for logistical purposes. You have to LET GO and work on you. Gal and all the other things DB talks about.

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
...
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

Hi jendp, I'm sorry things happened this way...I understand how hard it is! Me and my H don't have any children either and he completely shut me off his life now after my not so successful DB...I'm not even sure if I DBed at all now seriously....I don't know what to do either, he's not contacting me, and I know that he is having an affair, sometimes I don't even know why i'd even want to fight...but then I start to remember all the sweet moments we had and how he was a good man.....well....Just wanna jump in and tell you that I understand this is so hard, and I hope you will find the right way to save your marriage, and all the advices that I've read on this post so far are really good! I wanna thank you all too for sharing your thoughts.

Hi jen, sorry you are going through this. How long have you two been married? How old are you both? How long have you known each other? Why did you have one foot out the door two months before he decided to leave? Knowing this info would be helpful to those of us on the board who have gone through this before, it actually is all very pertinent.

The letter thing. I sent my ex a letter, and looking back, it was very detrimental to my sitch. I believe sending it was the straw that broke the camels back, because up until I did so, we were making very, very slow progress. The letter pushed her over the edge and caused her to move away, because she said that I obviously was not listening to what she was saying, and that I was still trying to control the sitch.

I would suggest that you find a good therapist and talk to him/her about your sitch. Also finding a good divorce support group was very helpful in that I was able to meet people who were in the same situation and I remain friends with some of them today 1 year later.

I am sure he already knows how you feel, that you dont want the d, you have told him on a number of ocassions, so stop reminding him. Work on you, be pleasant to him if you do interact, and always ask yourself when communicating if what you are doing/saying is furthering you along to realizing your goal, which is no d. If it is not, stop doing it, or dont do it.

Just my two cents, I wish you good luck!
Gunny

M: 38yo, H: 44yo
Together:10yrs
Married: 6yrs
No kids

Thanks for the comments, it is very helpful to get another perspective. Here is some more background info that led up to my current situation, sorry it is pretty long.

My relationship started in a very stressful time, during my last year of med school as I was interviewing for a surgical residency. H was loving and supportive, I was the one who was at a distance, not sure about our relationship and very scared about the future. He was always sure of our bond and wanted to get serious early on, but I told him that he needed to hang around for quite a while and decide whether he wanted to be with a surgeon because life was sure to be an extreme challenge and I would likely change a lot – this all turned out to be painfully true.

He hung in there and we did get married my 4th year as a resident although things were never perfect, mostly due to my insane work schedule, severe depression, and constant exhaustion. I was not completely ready to get married when we did, but I discounted my doubts because residency had beaten me down so much I was emotionally broken and didn’t know what I actually felt or wanted. I knew that we loved each other and thought that would see us through anything. I decided to pursue a second residency that lasted 3 more years, so overall I did 8 years of a very difficult surgical residency. Just before our wedding, H got a job that required travel. At first it was 4-5 days a month and quickly increased. I was proud of him for finding a good job that he excelled at and made him happy. At the time, I was glad he found something to occupy more of his time so he wouldn’t resent me and my job as much. Meanwhile, our marriage never really had a fighting chance. We both loved each other and just kept waiting for the end of my residency when we were sure everything would magically get better.

I feel H gave up on our marriage at least 2 years ago (just before my training ended). I had one foot out the door this past year because I was completely miserable with the status of our relationship. We had drifted so far apart that we were like roommates that couldn’t stand each other. I pleaded for years that we needed to spend more quality time together and build our marriage, but this never seemed a priority for him. If I had a free weekend or evening I would save that time for him, but he would usually plan something with his friends or work instead. He avoided me for years and I felt completely neglected and abandoned by him. I can’t blame him completely because I was not really a fun person to be around at this time.

There was a tremendous amount of hurt and resentment on both sides. I felt abandoned and he felt I was critical, cold, and demanding. Our sex life was almost non-existent because I was always physically and emotionally exhausted. This eventually took a great toll on him and our marriage. Even though I could see I was hurting him, I was so unhappy and depressed that I just couldn’t get myself together and change. It was a vicious cycle with each of us hurting one another. By the time my residency ended, it seemed too late. He was distant and stopped talking to me about anything real. He used work as a way to stay away from me and time together was never a priority for him. He was gone at least 3 weeks a month and even when home, he wanted to be with anyone but me. He became a different person completely: short-tempered, negative, angry, and distant. Then he had a close friend die, and his father died about 5 months later. At the same time my family was falling apart (financial crisis, sickness and death) and I felt the need to carry them all through.

When I finally snapped out of my depression (just 4 months ago), it was way too late. I had a true awakening at that time and decided to go all in for our marriage, realized I absolutely did not want a divorce. I got aggressive about saving our relationship and of course this pushed him away and out the door.

In summary, we never created a good foundation to build upon and were always on shaky ground. I know that I have a huge part in this problem because of my long-standing work demands and depression, and I blamed myself completely for this for many years. I now realize my faults, which are many, and I’m working on forgiveness for myself. I realize also that I am not completely to blame, we both contributed to the demise of our relationship.

I have made a huge amount of positive personal progress since he left, I feel like I have found myself again. Definitely GAL and happier than I have EVER been (this is because of my personal positive change that was a long time coming). This awakening has given me my life back, now I know what I absolutely want -- to save my shattered marriage that was never given a real chance. This may be impossible, but I’m not going down without a fight.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Perfect!! That's great DB'ing! You're working on yourself, you're fighting for your marriage even though you know it's an uphill battle, and you sound like you're realizing you're going to be fine whether you save the M or not. That's awesome progress Glad to hear you've been able to emerge from depression too.

Thanks for the encouragement. He called last night (only the 2nd time in 2 months) and we had a pleasant conversation. He told me my voice sounded so good, he could tell I was happy. He said I sounded like a completely different person -- which I am. He also said he was proud of me making positive changes in my life and that he wished he could do the same. His voice sounded awful, so depressed and down which is unusual for him. I felt so sorry for him, I think he is in a very bad place in his life. He wondered if I noticed he moved some of his stuff out, I just said yes I noticed (maybe he was waiting for me to bring this up or get a reaction from me). I suspect this may be part of a midlife crisis, but maybe it is just severe depression.

He said he is trying to set positive goals in his own life, but hasn't made much progress yet. I tried to give him encouragement and validated what he said. Overall, I am thrilled he noticed my positive changes and will continue to GAL.

He also brought up again that he still wanted a divorce and asked me how I wanted to proceed with it. He previously gave me the option of the "less expensive and nicer way out (his words)" with mediation, or doing it the "super expensive and difficult route" with lawyers. I told him that my feelings have not changed either and I am sorry he feels this is necessary. I said that going forward with mediation was in my mind saying that I agree to getting a divorce and I'm OK with it. So mediation is out because for me divorce is not an option, and he can proceed however he feels is necessary since this is his choice (maybe I shouldn't have said this, but he brought up the topic and I went with my heart. He seemed displeased but not mad, I know the thought of giving lots of money to lawyers kills him. Said he would do some research and let me know. Didn't sound like he had a plan yet, so I'm taking that as a positive.

Anyway, I was pleased with the call and consider it a positive interaction. Feel like the communication lines are more open, so I'm happy.

I'm glad he called, and noticed your positive changes through the phone! I'm still wondring if my H would call at all!!! So, I'm glad for you and your changes and attitudes!!!

Honestly, I don't know how I'd handle the conversation about the D. Looking forward to hear some advices from others here

Keep up the GAL and I'm happy for you

Thanks Nina. I read your thread and posted on it. Sounds like we have similar situations, so keep me posted.

GAL and work on being the best person you can be, the rest is out of your hands. Try not to dwell on H and OW, those thoughts will poison you and it will be harder to move forward. Stay busy to keep your mind distracted. Every time I thought about H, I would force myself to go to the gym. Now I am 12 lbs lighter, feel awesome, and I'm addicted to hitting the gym because I love the way it makes me feel.

I wish you the best.

Hi Jen, I got your post. I feel the same that our situation is similar..... I'm trying to stop snooping on H and OW now, I can't really get any information actually but I kept thinking I know something new, which is bad just like you said! Poison!! Thank you for pointing that out!

I need to think of something to do when I think about H Your way is pretty good, 12 lbs! That's a lot! Good job you! I'll keep on working out too, hope to get some lbs off Best wishes to you as well. And thanks for understanding.

Having a really bad day and hope is dwindling quickly. H snuck in while I was at work today and moved more of his stuff out, about half of it is gone now. Sent me a text after saying he will be totally out by the end of the month. This just happened after we had two pleasant conversations by phone and several texts lately about business matters and the hurricane (he was in Atlantic City when it hit). I was just beginning to have serious hope that I might have a chance, now this slap in the face.

What really hurts is the way he is doing this, slowly and painfully over the last month. It is like he is trying to make this process as hard as possible. I have been so nice and accommodating, trying to always sound positive and flexible about everything. I haven't let him in on my feelings that he is being cold and hurtful by his methods of moving.

I am considering a difficult 180. I feel like this is torture and if he wants out I just need him to do it already so I can move on and mend my heart. I don't want any of his furniture and I don't think he plans on taking anything other than his clothes. I am considering telling him that if he is "completely moving out" as he said, then I expect he will take all of his furniture as well because I do not want it. Also, that I need him to finish the job because I need to move on. Of course I still want him back and do not want a divorce, but this is awful. Anyone have success with this type of 180, seems risky but maybe he needs to get a jolt of reality.