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Your right Mr.Bond, I'am working on changing my behaviors. I have had difficulty regulating my emotions, I get into this cycle where I try to please her, then she doesn't respond, then I get angry, then I verbally dump on her, then I feel guilty, then I try to please and on and on.
We spoke tonight and I feel that if I'am able to regulate my emotions, not react to anything with her, I may have a fighting chance at saving our marriage.

This sounds familiar. My H did same thing. The problem was he was not speaking my "love language" so I had no idea he was trying to please me. As it turns out, he felt like nothing he ever did was good enough, but in reality, he was just doing the wrong things. And, on top of it, he suffers from depression which was fueling his violent outbursts. Does that resonate with you at all?

I do understand the need to separate as well. Our M had also been in the crapper for years and the time apart was great for perspective's sake. However, I'm a firm believer in the WAS leaving, unless there is an affair in play.

If you do separate, please do it thoughtfully. My H kicked me to the curb and it was all very upsetting for everyone. I would set a time limit if you can. We've all told you not to move out to try to force her hand. That hasn't worked. Maybe you can put a time limit on the separation as a condition of you moving out.

Hi Regretful, I don't think I suffer from depression, I do have depressed feelings sometimes, but not in a major way. My w is quite verbal and if I listen well, I should be able to speak her "love language".
I was told that woman are more sensitive then men when it comes to volume level and intensity of sound, so I really have to be aware of that when I converse with my w. I tend to get very intense and loud when my emotions kick in. I'am not violent, but I have had moments of dealing rage.
Neither of us had or is having an affair. This is about my w grieving our past relationship and me growing stronger.
Last night we spoke and ended on a softer note, so I'am reconsidering my move out today. I'll try again to give her more space and not react emotionally to anything she says or does and Ill try to be more patient and wait it out,
It's a great challenge!

I saw a lawyer today, she told me that I should initiate a legal separation( in house), make a budget, go over it with w and tell her to start paying some of the bills. She said my w needs to start to understand what things will be like if we go forward with separation and divorce. How do you all handle the money aspect of these situations?

So , I had to start a new thread. How do I link the old one to this new one?

I think this is how I link my 1st thread .....


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...238#Post2278238

Mr. Bond, I think my last reply to you was misunderstood. I have stepped up as a father and as a husband as far as doing a lot of domestic tasks around the house. My w responds to it by saying she notices and she appreciates my efforts, but that she expects me to act this way and won't give me any props for it. She just says that I should have been this way in the past, thats all.

We went to therapy yesterday together. I stated that I want to reconcile, she stated that she wants a separation again. The therapist told me that i need to be more compassionate to my w, and not fight with her or give her a hard time, just to honor her request for space.
Then he told her that she should try to work with me more to try to heal the past with me, whether we divorce or not. He told me that she needs me emotionally, that there's a hole in her that I need to fill.
After the session, we drove home together and talked. It sucked. She just said she wants a D, that I had a very narrow window where I could have changed her mind, but that I messed that up by not leaving and giving her her space. Also, my emotional outbursts pushed her over the edge, and now she is totally done and will not even consider trying to patch things up. She just wants me out, and she want me to do the right thing and leave the house to her and the kids.
But she is afraid that I will do everything wrong by hiring an attorney and fighting her tooth and nail. Another reason she thinks I'm not for her she said.
I feel lost.......I don't know what to do, where to go, what to say.....
I don't even know if therapy is going to do any good, she seems so closed minded to anything except what she thinks, it feels like a dead end.
I'm VERY sad and confused about what to do now. My kids weigh Heavy on my mind and my thoughts.
Can anyone chime in and give me some feedback please?

She's trying to guilt trip you. As we said in your last thread, she very likely had no intention of reconciling and your leaving would not have helped anything and likely would have made things worse.



That is the "right" thing for HER and HER ALONE. It is NOT the right thing for you or for the kids. SHE is the one that wants to end the marriage and break up the family. The RIGHT thing for the family is for the two of you to stay together. Breaking up the family is WRONG. If SHE insists on breaking up the family, then SHE needs to go. She's trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.



It's quite simple. You don't do anything, you stay put. You don't say anything, you act "as if" everything is fine. If she talks, then you listen and validate. If she tells you to leave then you smile and say "no, that's not going to happen, I'm committed to keeping our family together but if you truly think you need to leave to be happy then I will not stand in your way, I support your decision."



MC rarely has any value when a WAS is one foot out the door. MC is good for piecing, but not at the stage you're in.



As well they should. That's another reason you need to stay put- for them. Remember what I said in your other thread, whichever spouse leaves the house will be perceived by them as the one that abandoned the M. You don't want that to be you.

Thanks Stander, I guess I need to hear this stuff repeatedly from you. I appreciate your patience and understanding. I feel reinvigorated to try once again, but this time with a one week goal in mind. I think that will help me to achieve my objectives better than without a timeline. This morning was successful. We were nice to each other, didn't talk about the R, got the kids up, fed,dressed, and off to school. I didn't approach her for a hug, she gave me one on her way out to work. I'll leave her alone tonight, will not bring up R.