Is it soooooo sick that I'm not ready to say this is over yet!? Why can't I just move on? I mainly want to serve him papers to make him hurt--not that it would.
Part of me still clings to that possibility that he may come round and see what's he's done and be the guy I thought he was.
Can You Say "Stuuuu-pid and Naive?"
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Nope, it's not that you are so kick that you aren't ready to say it is over. You can't move on because you are still trying to find answers and understand what has happened to your h. It's been a shock to say the least and you've not gone through the entire process of grieving.
You don't want to serve him papers to make him hurt. He most likely would be tickled that you did the work for him. You do not want to do anything in the way of revenge towards him. You want to rise above what he's saying/doing. You don't want to lower yourself to his level as to where he is right now and above all else...you don't want to become an angry bitter person over this.
There is also hope and possibility, but my money is on the fact that it could be years from now before the new and improved man surfaces on a permanent basis. Your h is just getting started in the full blown mlc. I'm sorry if I've disappointed you in my opinion of where your h is, but he's really not ventured forth onto the Mother Ship and actually begun his journey into the land of crazy. He's just skimmed the surface. He may get a lot worse before he gets better.
You are not stupid or naive, but you are grieving and you are going through the stages as you should be. As they say, you are right where you should be at this time.
Again, don't beat yourself up...you are very normal and what you are going through in the way of questioning, etc. You just have to learn to accept him for who he is at this moment and not who he was...it's hard to do, but to get through this, you will need to.
Buckle up, the ride is going to be full of twists, turns and bumps along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thread Number 3 Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2293340#Post2293340 Is it soooooo sick that I'm not ready to say this is over yet!? Why can't I just move on? I mainly want to serve him papers to make him hurt--not that it would. Part of me still clings to that possibility that he may come round and see what's he's done and be the guy I thought he was. Can You Say "Stuuuu-pid and Naive?" Heather
Whyyyy I will tell you - you have been with him for over 20 years and it's only been 6 months that this is going on - that's why -- he still is that guy - but his late teen years have re-emerged -- that's whats going on - this is a VERY LONG PROCESS - no guick fixes - you didn't break him - you can't fix him.
If you really want to piss him off completely detach - ignore him -- you serving him to try and shock him is going to do you no good !!!
YOU WANT TO SAVE YOU'RE MARRAIGE - that is the right thing to do - for better or for worse - nothing worth having is easy !!
Of course I am writing this to myself to cuz I feel the same way you do.
Bottom line is you have to WAIT ON THE LORD - GIVE IT OVER TO HIM -- pray for wisdom and direction then wait till you are sure what to do - when you are you will know and have no doubts either way I think you should wait till you get there.
Relax and start doing FUN things YOU like to do !!!
Hang on !!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
What makes you say he hasn't entered the land of crazy yet? I'm not disagreeing, but I read the stages and I don't see him so early in the process. I feel like he's about 9-12 months into Replay. What are you seeing that I'm not?
Gawd, it's terrifying to think I have more Big Reveals. Crap. I've been feeling like the big surprises/big roller coaster hills may be over, but I could be in for lots more of the smaller up and down hills. I guess his increasing contact and eensy-weensy remorse meant he was in the early beginnings towards the end of replay. Not that it was over, but he was steering course in that direction.
I know you have way more info on this than I do. Maybe it's wishful thinking.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
My response to your questions...leave it alone. Your h needs to accept that the dog is in poor health and he needs to do this on his own. Your question/concern would appear very false to him right now since you asked him to pick up the dog and have him put down. Just leave it alone...this is one wound you do not pick at unless he talks to you about it.
As for the comments he made to your daughter about her birthday card, He was very childish and selfish when he said them to her. I would leave it alone for now...there will come a time when you'll be able to say something to him about it.
If you are trying to figure out how to speak to your daughter, sit her down and explain that he's going through something and that she should not feel guilty about not being available to him on her birthday. It was her special day and she spent it the way that she wanted.
It appears that you are "itching" to text him after all he's put you through emotionally today. Why? Stay nc for your mental and emotional well being. You get spun up everytime you see or hear from him...just leave him alone. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, Trust me...he will contact you again when he needs something. He's not going to go away and hide for a long period of time. Now, I will say this, many of them do disappear when a holiday comes around and you've got Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years coming up, so don't be surprised if he's very quiet during those times.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What makes you say he hasn't entered the land of crazy yet? I'm not disagreeing, but I read the stages and I don't see him so early in the process. I feel like he's about 9-12 months into Replay. What are you seeing that I'm not?
Gawd, it's terrifying to think I have more Big Reveals. Crap. I've been feeling like the big surprises/big roller coaster hills may be over, but I could be in for lots more of the smaller up and down hills. I guess his increasing contact and eensy-weensy remorse meant he was in the early beginnings towards the end of replay. Not that it was over, but he was steering course in that direction.
I know you have way more info on this than I do. Maybe it's wishful thinking.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I can only base my thoughts on what you've posted and I hope I'm wrong about where I think he's at right now. So, take what I'm saying w/a grain of salt and store my comments away for another time but...
He's entered the land of the crazy, but he's not gotten up to full speed yet. From your postings, I'm not picking up on any of the really oddball behavior that we see when they are in full blown replay. He appears to be just cruising along and not all h@ll bent on acting out...at least not that you've seen or heard.
You mentioned that he's got some new clothes, lost weight and is tanning. What else have you noticed? Does he look tired? Is he clean and neat or looks like he just got out of bed and didn't clean up? Have you noticed any different habits? For example, he might not have chewed gum pre-crisis but does now. Notice any change in his taste of food or drink? What about his taste in music? I realize you aren't around him much, but these are things to look for. What about his taste in clothes? Younger, more hip? Any changes in the way he wears his hair? Grown a mustache or shaved one off? Dyed his hair? Has he mentioned spending money on himself for fun or on a new vehicle?
BTW, when he gets deeper into replay, most of them who lost weight will regain it and then some.
He might be one of those mlcers that stays to himself and doesn't act all out crazy...time will tell.
Let's see how he is the next time he contacts you. Again, I could be totally off base here and I don't want you to sit around worrying about where he is in replay. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
