Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers There'll be no white flag above my door-not yet La

Hi bug just wanted to say hi. and i am curious which aspects of communication you think you need to work on...? I personally think you have amazing communication skills. I mean that.

Hey Bug, just checking in on you. How're you doing as the week goes on?

Got your holiday travel all set?

About my communication problems, I do really well writing out my thoughts and feelings for the most part.

Here I can delete, paste and copy, stop and think.

I can't do that in live conversation. And when it's an emotionally charged conversation I tend to say too much, keep digging for answers, sometimes lash out (hurting people hurt other people). I'm also uncomfortable with white space or silences in conversation. I feel like if I don't keep talking, the other person will leave and my chance is gone.

My brain freeze consists of not being able to process what I'm hearing and then respond appropriately. in. the. moment. I'm getting much better at it, believe me.

It's work but I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to become better at communicating with others. It was a great source of anxiety for me.

Clay, in this instance I don't think it's about me doing things right but improving something that creates distress for me. I want to be able to clearly communicate my needs to others.

In the past, I expected people to mind-read me and just know what I needed. When I didn't get it, I felt rejected and became resentful. That builds up and piles on and somewhere down the road, there's a blow-up.

It's a stress and anxiety filled way to live.

I don't want that anymore.

Thanks for making me think about it and clarify what I need.

Hi ces,

It's been a good week overall. Some blips and bumps but nothing I can't handle.

I do have my travel plans made and am looking forward to the holidays this year. Life moves on and I'm only stuck in the past if I choose to be.

Thanks for stopping by, my friend of almost a year now. Amazing, isn't it?

Bug, I just read through your "talk". I don't think I have anything earth shattering here, but after the amount of time that's elapsed, the part of avoiding initiating an R talk doesn't matter anymore. You just have to let it rip and let the chips fall where they may.

I did something similar a few months ago and I have no regrets. At least my W knew where I stood. I haven't done it again yet, but I may at some point before this ride is over.

BTW, loved that post from the DB FB page you shared.

Grand Canyon???

bug-

thank you for clarifying it for me too. now i get what you are saying. i can really relate to that. i too expected people to just know what i was thinking or needing. its kind of odd that we are talking about it. last week i was talking with my sponsor about the anxiety i get from this. how i would feel like people didnt care about me or my needs. way stressful for me. he told me something that made me think. he said,"have you ever tried asking for what you want or need? not demanding or telling people, but simply asking?" of course being the dense guy i am the answer was no. never dawned on me that asking for things was an okay thing to do. it doesnt make me weak, just honest.

i totally understand the way you feel about brain freezing. it still happens to me. i like that you recognize it and are taking steps to improve it. its a tough one cuz i feel like it is a whole new way of doing things. not so much active listening, but actively participating. i get muddled up when stuff comes at me i wasnt expecting. i get caught up trying to make the right response, and end up not making one at all sometimes. this is something i need to think on..thank you for that.

the white noise thing..as a guy i am super comfortable with that. women i notice aren't as much. way i see it is, if the person is still there, its cuz they want to be. sometimes people are comfortable just being aound someone. i know i am. im not saying i am right, just what i think. let me know what you think. as always i love your insights.

Clay

DB talking isn't easy, at least not for me. It's not what i'm used to. My DBing text are okay but when it comes to actual conversation, it's harder. Your making progress though on yourself and that's the main thing.

Thanks for stopping by, jb!

Yes, letting the chips fall, that's what I came to.

It's interesting that as we go on with this we begin to see that our Ss haven't changed much, they are just more of who they always were. We just didn't see it or they smoothed the rough edges more. Or we made excuses. At least that's what I'm feeling more and more.

And they might think the same about us.