Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Oi, mine is special...

Ok, got it. Gotta have my kid with me.
I have a "visit" tomorrow, and a "visit" Monday. Will send an email after the Monday visit, asking to have the toddler on the week-ends first as a transition phase. Then every other week.

I can tell you already that this will disrupt all the baby steps I have been making so far. Suppose it works, because she doesn't have a choice anyway, she will be very cold to me. Big time.

Do you realize I will lose the two visits a week that I had with her (it will become a simple exchange of toddler afterwards). I used these two visits to show myself upbeat and happy to see her, ask about her week, etc... I will have no more of it !
How am I supposed to recover the road to reconciliation from that afterwards?

I empathize with your feelings Bruce. I really do. Been there, done that. It was a huge mistake on my part.

I didn't want to push my W further away. The reality was, I couldn't push her any further. I waited to lawyer up and fight for my rights as a father and it could have been very costly.

I won't lie to you. It got ugly once the gloves came off. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have dropped the gloves early on.

To give you an idea, we dealt with the courts beginning in June '11 and it went into August '11. During that time, a reconciliation didn't seem possible. Almost a year later, my W and I agreed to reconcile.

Point is, don't risk possibly sacrificing your rights as a father for a relationship with your W, that isn't a guarantee. It isn't worth the gamble. Members on here told me the same thing in my sitch and I didn't listen.

LITB and others,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
Saturday I have my very 1st DB coach session and I will the coach how to ask for the toddler without jeopardizing everything.

Today I had an "accompanied visit" and it went well. I said hello and touched her arm, then I played with the toddler, then we (her mum, her and the toddler)went to Tim Horton's for a coffee. We spoke about stuff of no importance, she didn't avoid my eyes, and even smiled at a couple of jokes I cracked.

I wish, oh I so wish I had more time before she could file for D...
It took me 4 months of baby steps to soften her heart, and I'm about to get through and I have to throw that bomb of asking 50% custody and make sure I lose my visits and close her spirit now for good, back to square one?

Oh my, oh my...

Plus you do not want to get back together with a woman who would keep you away from your child..... Now a woman who wants the father to be actively involved in the raising of the child. That is a woman you would want to get back together with.

Think of it that way.

This will also begin the process of building some respect in her eyes.

Which she has none of towards you.

I'm glad to read that you are utilizing a coach. Your coach will undoubtedly be a great resource to help you wrap your arms around your sitch.

Take your time and be patient. Patient with your sitch, patient with your W and patient with yourself.

Keep us updated. We are here for you.

Hello my friends LITB, chatterbug and others.
Got a chat with the DB Coach. Basically said yes, I should ask for the toddler BUT :
I have to do it as smoothly as possible, because obviously she will be sore pissed-off at me.
Forget all the baby steps, I guarantee you she will be very mad and sulky.

Apart from my visits twice a week with her (almost like dates) I don’t have much more to lose, it may make things move at least, because now it’s D full steam ahead.

Also, my situation is so strange, (that my wife so fast and so intently wants a D, she refuses to meet to talk about us, refuses to go to counseling, let alone consider reconciliation) the coach suggested I asked if there was somebody else….

Frankly, I’m afraid of the answer. I’m trembling just thinking if the answer was yes… but I gotta know…
What is the best way to ask this? Any ideas?

Don't ask. Focus on the immediate goal. Your child in your life.

This other stuff can come later.

P.S. the situation is not too strange.

Next time you are with her and she says she wants the D.

Ask her where the paper work is? Then present to her a full schedule of a 50% 50% co-parenting plan. Alternating holidays etc... until the child is 18.

She is trying to get you to give up your rights by using your own fear against you.

Bruce,

I agree with chatterbug. Your W will gain more respect for you as a man for standing up for your rights as a father. Undoubtedly, she will be fired for now going along with her plan. So what? That isn't your problem.

I realize that your goal is to save your M, but are you willing to take that gamble at the expense of your parental rights? For for thought.

At the end of the day, you get to choose what is best for you. We want you to save your M and see your child everyday.

Hello my wise friends,
So, I shouldn't set her aside for 2 minutes and ask : "I won't be offended, I just need an honest answer, is there anybody else?"

How will I know if there's an OM involved if I don't ask? Is she going to take it bad? Or not tell the truth?

Also, what do you think about this email :

Hi A,
It must be so difficult to be so busy all days with both work and school, I always admire you for being so dedicated.

Little Brucie is growing well, he’s lucky to have such a good mom as you. As a father, my priority is my family, and to rear Brucie in what I believe is the best possible education and values.
Because we’re both important in his life, it’s time for me to become actively involved with my son, and in order to make a smooth transition for him, I ask from this week on, to have him over on the week-ends, from Friday night to Sunday night. Then, when things are adjusted, we’ll extend it so he’ll stay the whole week with me every other week, which is great because I love housework and taking care of children.
This will also alleviate your schedule and I’m sure you understand how I feel. If you want to meet to discuss any details, let me know,
Take care,
B

Any suggestions? Thanks, I appreciate your support deeply. More than you know.
B

If you have to know if there is OM, you can ask. The likelihood of her being completely honest with answering that question is NOT very high IMO. For some people, this is unforgivable and there is no turning back. Perhaps this is you. This is something only you can answer.

As for the email....you have good intentions, but I think it is too soft. What do you plan on doing if/when she says to buzz off? No matter what you do, she's going to be upset. She is going to be reluctant to divert from her desired path. I think you have to send a strong message that demonstrates that you mean business.

So find out what your rights are and ensure that you protect them.

Don't allow fear to be your guide. Fear will guide you directly to regret.