Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Back again thread #2

I agree. Ironically we really didn't start fighting until we split up. Even my S14 mentioned this. We were actually doing fairly well or seemed to be improving until early this week. I need to go back I guess and try to also figure out what has triggered this latest animosity. I think it goes back to the conversation on Tuesday the 30th when he told me he was still talking to xw1 and sort of felt he had found his true love again. He said - i sort of thought so. Since then he has been ultra confrontational every time we have spoken. He also did the whole revision of history spiel. Of course I did argue back and tried to get him to I guess acknowledge more of the reality than what he had convinced himself. I also sort of shut down and didn't complete the normal pattern of fighting on the phone.
There was a point on Friday where things were fairly calm and I told him I was not willing to work on anything so long as he is talking to and seeing OW regardless of who OW was. There have been times when I wondered if he has blown up r with xw1 to simply antagonize me. I could be wrong though. At one point he did say I'm not with you and I'm not with her. I'm not with anyone. So I have no idea and really it doesn't matter except that I am trying to figure out why he became so nasty.

As far as custody/visitation I have asked repeatedly about a schedule and he has rejected that. My thoughts are perhaps ow schedule is not quite so open and he is concerned about being stuck in a schedule and not see her. Of course this my guess. I have no way to know if it is true. Obviously he is not forthcoming. As it stands now he generally has been very good about coming when I ask or need him to. Frankly that is pretty rare though. And they need to see him more than that. My impression really is that he wants his weekends to himself.

So. What can I read that explains validating better? I always felt as thought hat meant agreeing.

Oh god. Oh god Oh god. Had to call H because of issue with his Father. He wasn't alone and it hurts. I didn't say anything. Didn't raise my voice. I had thought I could do this. I am not sure. That just hurts. Really really hurts. I'm not surprised. Not at all. Again, my thoughts are how desperate must one woman be?
Obviously not a REAL woman. Or one that is secure. One he can control though. I guess that is what he wants.

MKB, you mean that he was with the OW? Do you know who this person was?

As I've said before, you two need a serious time out from each other. When you want to call, find an outlet or someone else to call.

I know how hard this is. I'm sorry you have to go through this. NO ONE should have to go through this.

((((())))

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I am trying to read some other posters here to see if I can help out. I don't have much advice now but it almost sounds like I wrote this thread. I have this same issue with my H as the things he says and how he always makes something out of my words to make an argument over. I haven't figured this one put either except that it's best to just not respond when he does this. Which is actually a 180 for me and may be for you too bc I usually feel the need to keep clarifying it for him and just end up digging myself a deeper hole. I hate that someone else is feeling this confusion and pain.

Yes it is his 1XW. We do need a time out. Problem is during our time out he is with her. There is no way we can ever begin again if he continues to see her.

Oh goodness, I just read an earlier post from you and I am also in the same sitch about visitation. My h doesn't want to agree on set times and I think it's because of the same thing you are saying his time with the ow. I will say that the last times I used DB to help me that when this happened before with a different ow I just dropped the whole talk about the m or his r with ow and I took control of my life and boy did he call and chase me. Everytime I got to this point and followed DB principles things changed and we were back together in less than 3 months after I "got it". Hang in there

Well I am tired of being nice. Seriously. I sent a text for Son. I am fairly sure it was her that responded. I responded back. Oh did I.

I am grateful for the help you guys give and I get the whole detach and GAL. Maybe you guys consider it making excuses but we have only been apart for 6 weeks at this time. There are so many things that are in limbo.

Every time I try to get any sort of clarification on anything I get crapped on. To top it off, he has taken almost everything out of my house. I tried to find a screw driver today he even took those. He stole baby pictures. I would have given them if he had just asked. It's almost like being robbed. Now he has cut off all money knowing I have no job. So that leaves me about 680 bucks a month. No lie. What now?

Sorry but I am at the end of my rope.

Hi MKB,

I got this from Denver a while ago. I know it's geared towards men but have a look and see if it helps.

Rough - Learning to validate is a bit difficult for men who are fixers and a bit controlling. That was me... and something that I still have to focus on not doing EVERY day. But...

Validating means to truly just be her friend. If I came to you with a problem and asked you if you'd be willing to listen, what would you say as I described the problem to you? If you cared, you would probably listen intently, not interrupt, and probably not try to solve my problem.

Be a shoulder to lean on.

Actively listen = Listen intently. Look her in the eye. Don't interrupt. Don't be watching t.v., listening to music, using your smart phone, etc. Don't allow other things to interrupt, such as your phone etc.

I think that your list of responses is right, but you have to be sincere about it.
That must be really tough.
I am sure that's very stressful.
I can tell by your tone that your really mad.
I can imagine.
I want to make sure I understand what your saying.
If I hear what your saying.

The first time that I had the opportunity to practice this with my W I was TRULY amazed by just how much she had to say. I realized that I had never just sat there, let her talk, and listened. I realized that when she would tell me about a problem, or the b!tch at work, or whatever, that my mind was always looking to solve it, calm her, tell her that she shouldn't do this or that.

Women like to talk about what is going on their lives. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist or like I'm stereotyping. But I think that its true. They just want us to listen to them. Put the damn football game on mute, and listen to them.

Figure out how to let the love you have for your W come out in just being sincere with her, and letting her be her.

Make sense?

I also think that validating has to do with the other person's feelings. It's about acknowledging what they feel. You don't necessarily have to agree with it but at least understand that they do have these feelings and that, perhaps in their views, the have a right to feel that way. Sometimes we are irrational and we just want someone to listen to us, not to be told that we are irrational.

Good luck.

"Now he has cut off all money knowing I have no job. So that leaves me about 680 bucks a month. No lie. What now?"


now make an appointment with a lawyer and get his responsibilites (custody, support) made legal instead of voluntary. you must protect yourself and your children.

I agree with SS. Legal advice is your next step, MKB. Do that today.