Arsene, how many posts! First, what an awesome b-day surprise! Second, I agree with giving your W more space.
This is what my coach would say: she's giving you a message (whether that makes sense or not) and the message is: "I'm done. Find someone else. Don't you get it? What do I have to do for you to get it?" Could she change the way she feels? Of course. But for now, you must convey that you get it. She knows you love her, she knows you want to save your M. Now, she needs to know she's free to leave if she wants to. If she feels this, she'll also be free to come back to the M. Anyway, that's what my coach told me and it makes sense in these sitchs. The WAS is like a kid trying to establish her independence. Look at your W from this perspective.
How about you let her travel her own path without you for a while so that she doesn't feel controlled? So that she can decide for herself what she wants for her life? I'm sorry, but that is the only answer.
^^^I second this notion.
third... so does that make it pass....
Fourth, and I call the question, Mr. Chairman.
Oh, and Arsene: it isn't "intel" when it's the foggy words from a wayward's mouth. That is more like "fogged-out psychobabble" at BEST, and gaslighting DECEIT at worst.
Starsky
Well, I don't suppose I can now disregard such a strong support for this idea. Thanks Denver, AT, CB and Starsky. I know you are right about this. I've been feeling it for some time but now, the last two days have been very painful and I know that it's because I haven't had a chance to detach.
The thing is, I've not initiated that much contact. Most of it was initiated by W and even now, she sent me a text today to ask if I had plans with D8 for tomorrow. Thinking that this was a sign my boundary was being respected I sent a text back to tell her that other than a few things in the morning which could easily be canceled, we had no solid plans.
I expected her to tell me she wanted to spend the day with D8 and that she would pick her up at a certain time but instead, she told me to let her know when we were done with the few things on the agenda and she would join "us guys" for the rest of the day.
It's the thought that if she is with us she isn't with OM that gets me each time. Also the fact that we have a great time together and that it makes D8 very happy. I know it's not healthy right now and I know I really need to follow your advice on this. What Tori says about the message she is sending is also true. She did tell me a few time to "let her be". Then why is she coming around every chance she has, and not just for D8? I don't get it!!! Like Starsky said it's probabaly all wayward psychobabble.
Like Denver said, the first step is for me to make that decision.
Re: Getting a Visa by myself, it used to be possible but they have started enforcing the law and I don't meet all the requirements for a work Visa as a teacher. I've been turned down by my former school because they can no longer get me in. That is why I now work cash in hand for my friend's company while doing a few privates. I am keeping my ears open though as it would be very liberating not to have to rely on W for that.
Thanks you all for your support, AT, Denver's got it right. You've learned a lot and your words are very insightful. Cheers all.
Now I need to get some sleep. I'll write more later.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
What Tori says about the message she is sending is also true. She did tell me a few time to "let her be". Then why is she coming around every chance she has, and not just for D8? I don't get it!!! Like Starsky said it's probabaly all wayward psychobabble.
If it were me in your shoes I’d strongly consider telling W exactly what I expected and wanted, (drop OM and work on making a new marriage together) and then if she refused just go cold and wait to see what happens. I don’t think I could handle all the pain you’ve been going through, and I don’t think your present plan is going to end in a lasting relationship built on respect.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Arsene, just coming by to say hi and see how you are doing.
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I vote for never telling her your plans can be easily cancelled. That makes it seem as though she has all the power, and regardless of whether that's true or not, it's important to not convey that. If she feels she has all the power, she will continue her behavior, bc what's there to lose? Nothing.
Have a good weekend, and keep us posted on what happens.
I vote for never telling her your plans can be easily cancelled. That makes it seem as though she has all the power, and regardless of whether that's true or not, it's important to not convey that. If she feels she has all the power, she will continue her behavior, bc what's there to lose? Nothing.
Have a good weekend, and keep us posted on what happens.
Hey, Arsene! I vote for never telling her your plans can be easily cancelled. That makes it seem as though she has all the power, and regardless of whether that's true or not, it's important to not convey that. If she feels she has all the power, she will continue her behavior, bc what's there to lose? Nothing.
Have a good weekend, and keep us posted on what happens.
Agreed...it's akin to saying you'll "wait for her forever"---or "no matter what",
which is a surefire way to VASTLY prolong the time they take to decide, IF they ever do.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thinking of you Arsene. How are you holding up? All the advice is very helpful but hard to set in motion. Take it one day at a time. Remember we have all been there in some way or another so the advice is very very applicable. Take care.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
