Good on you for GAL . Im sorry about your mom bailing. You actually sound pretty detached. Not letting your H pull you in.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Later he asked if I was ok,...... He seemed really annoyed by that......He looked really displeased and made a comment about that not being very safe.....he actually asked where I was going
Idk, hrm, sometimes men when they show annoyance and displeasure can actually be a display of caring, usually when we don't know how else communicate it, or are uncomfortable communicating it. Well, at least I know I have done that in the past with W and the kids, seems it usually would happen when i was concerned or scared. W acted the same way months ago when I would be "late" from hiking or biking, or take longer than she expected on my weekend "man errands"...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T~ Sometimes at work we get on the subject of religion(spirituality, whatever you want to call it) which is touchy for a few. I have one co-worker who doesn't want there to be anything after this, she just "wants to die and be put in the ground and that be it. Anything else sounds like too much work." Yeah,sad I know. I laughed at her when she said it, I couldn't help myself. My one other co-worker who I have been becoming closer friends with (the one I brought home from the hospital) is on the fence about things regarding God and such. Well she was talking about some stuff going on with one of her sisters she wasn't happy about (and rightfully so) and some other issues and she made the comment, "Yeah I just don't understand why all of this stuff is allowed to happen if there is something up there. Why doesn't God stop all this bad stuff??" At the time I didn't say anything, I just ponderer her comment as I sat there rocking a baby.
Ended up thinking about it all day.... and it hit me... my epiphany.... something I think people may misunderstand, and something a lot of us inadvertently sometimes try to use God as (I know I have).... here is my thought.... God is not a magical wish granting genie. A simple thought I know, but think about it. I did, still am in fact. How many times have I prayed thinking/hoping/etc God will give me exactly what I want... it doesn't work that way.... God gives me exactly what I need. It may not be what I think I want at the time, and I could throw a toddler fit, but God always provides me exactly what I need. I didn't rub some lamp, he didn't pop out and say you have 3 wishes, what do you want. This life isn't meant to be easy, if it was wouldn't it be Heaven, and then what would the point be of being here?
I know I have thought I have been praying my butt off this entire year plus and it seems like H is still stuck! So my question to myself is why do I think I'm automatically going to get my way, just like that? My answer is, I don't know, but I'm changing my thinking. I'm still praying, and still want my marriage to be restored, but I'm not getting bent out of shape about it anymore. God has a plan, and whatever his will is will be, and his timing is waaaaaay different from my timing. I've always been patient, but this MLC is even testing my patience.... but I will continue to "be still in the Lord and wait patiently." (Psalm 37:7).
I have this strange picture in my head, but it works for me. I picture God up there looking down, but when he looks down he can see everything from beginning to end in each person's life, and who knows, maybe something far worse could have happened with H (or anyone else's spouse) if this MLC crap didn't.... but that's not for us to know, as hard as that is to accept.
Another scenario I have in my head.... some day when I die and I have to answer for everything, not sure how that works, but let's just say we have to review our lives. I want to know I did the best I could and I want God to say, "You were given a lot of trials, but you didn't give up, you handled them well, well done...." Something along those lines..... anyway, I think things like that when H drives me totally crazy.... of course my yelling at him the other week, not my most shining moment but, hey, I'm human. lol
Been thinking some other stuff too T, but that will have to wait till another time, I feel like I'm typing a book! LOL And it's getting late. Any thoughts on the strange workings of my mind?
Snodderly~ I'm glad to hear everyone made it through the storm safe and well. H has continued to watch tv with me in the evenings, and have normal conversations, it's been nice. I still have no expectations, but I'm enjoying this while it lasts. Monday night he even said to me, "I had a good time watching tv with you." I thanked him and said I enjoyed it too. Last night he actually told me he may not be home until late tonight. I thanked him for telling me, and informed him I wouldn't be home until late because I had a parent event for work tonight. I said I would probably be home around 8 or 9. He said he would be later like 11 or 12. I said yeah, I won't be that late, and thanked him again for letting me know. He hasn't done that in months. He also took it upon himself to vacuum the living room rug and sweep all the floors upstairs one day earlier in the week. IDK what tomorrow holds, but this week has actually been, dare I say, nice...
Oh and totally unrelated, I'm totally caught up with Once Upon a Time!!!
You sound like me !!
I don't know if this is good or bad - but lets face it - when we were really married and had all facets of the relationship - lets face it OUR SPOUSES DROVE US CRAZY SOMETIMES - I sepent the whole day with my darling wife yesterday - went to church - got bagels - went to home depot (we are redoing our kitchen - exactly what you should be doing when you are divorceing right -- LOL)Went to Kohls, went to BJ's then we went home and I made dinner
By like 4 o'clock I found it very hard to listen to her - she was complaining so much about everyone's driving something she always did - but I guess I used to tune it out now that I am trying to listen and take in everything she says I - I know this sounds mean but it was hard to listen to the negativity.
My therapist said when the thought of being without them think of those qualities or characters defects that used to make YOU think of DIVORCING them - I mean - I wasn't completely head over heels happy in love when this happened - but I thought we were commited to working together no matter what.
I have been praying my butt off as well - this is the thought that keeps me going - lets face it my wife was SOOOOO adament about divorceing me but it's been 7 months and she hasn't even seen a lawyer - MAYBE if I wasn't praying so hard (BTW my family and church friends are all praying too) I think the fact that she is still home is because of this - now I can be delusional - but when I get really despondant I just say
I BELIEVE THAT GOD IT WORKING - I don't care what it looks like, I don't care what it feels like - I believe that God is working in me, in my children and in my spouse. I am gonna keep pressing on and pressing through and outlast the devil - AMEN
Thanks for your words and candor - they give me a lot of strength !!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Snodderly~ Thank you for the birthday wishes!! My birthday is today btw. I'm feeling much better today, thankfully!! Yes, the fresh air hiking was nice... apparently didn't clear the head very well since we made that bad decision to hike in the dark! LOL
My friend and I had a lot of fun shopping, definitely out of our element though!! I'm definitely a country girl that's for sure! LOL I did get to go to the only store I really wanted to go to, which was Fredrick's of Hollywood, never been to one before, had a blast there, the sales clerk was awesome!!! The store was also on it's last day of 50% off of everything! What great luck for me! I did get some stuff for myself (which was difficult because they never make that stuff for women with big boobs, but I found some stuff, I know TMI, sorry), never hurts to look extra good parading around the house LOL, going with that whole "look like a fool for leaving", which he already would, so this is just a bonus. I did get what I got for me, NOT him though, so go me.
Soul Searching~I am trying really, really hard to be detached, I'm good mostly, but have some moments, getting out and doing things helps a lot!!! Also not reacting and just kinda being like that's his choice, whatever, helps too. Of course the day I yelled at him was also very therapeutic for me.
TVS~Thanks it was a blast!!
T~ Thank you for the man-spective (yes, I made a word up, I do that sometimes), I appreciate it. In the past H has showed concern by being annoyed/ displeased, so I looked at it as a good thing. I would think if he really didn't care he wouldn't have really reacted, but IDK. Anymore man-spective would be greatly appreciated!
Sunny~ Of course re-doing the kitchen before divorcing makes perfect sense.... if you're having a MLC.... lots of things make perfect sense that leave us in Normalville scratching our heads and saying...um, ok.... LOL
I love Kohl's, btw, I know that's really not relevant to anything, but you mentioned you went there so I thought I would throw that in, sorry strange mood today, probably too much cake!
I really loved what you said, "I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS WORKING - I don't care what it looks like, I don't care what it feels like - I believe that God is working in me, in my children and in my spouse. I am gonna keep pressing on and pressing through and outlast the devil - AMEN" When I read that yesterday it was just what I needed.
You are welcome, and thank you my friend.
updates~ Ok, this is one of those disclaimer moments, make sure you are sitting down before reading this.... ok, you've been warned....
This morning when I was getting ready to leave for work I picked up my phone and saw I had a missed call and a text from H!! The text read, "Happy Birthday. I hope you have a good day." I took a chance and called him back, he answered. He said nothing was wrong, he just wanted to call me and wish me a happy birthday, and hopes I have a good day. I thanked him and told him that was sweet of him and I appreciated it and hope he has a good day as well. He thanked me and said that was all he had wanted. I did also reply to the text just because he sounded so happy when I told him to have a good day too.
Tonight when he got home my dear friend was here. I told H we would be getting food from the local pizza shop after running to the store (to pick up an ice cream cake), I asked if he would like some pizza. He actually said yes and gave me $10. When we left my friend had forgotten her purse on the kitchen table so I ran back in the house to get it. I said sorry didn't mean to scare you L isn't used to carrying a purse yet and forgot it. He actually laughed and told me happy birthday again. I thanked him and gave him a hug. When we got back with the food he ate downstairs and watched tv down there so we could use the upstairs tv. He went to bed at 7:45.... perhaps the depression was knocking at his door, too much normal?? He actually spoke to my friend a couple of times again.... IDK, but living in the moment it was a nice birthday, all round. My co-workers remembered and one of them made me a carrot cake (wow, I've had a LOT of cake today!!), family and friends were texting me birthday wishes all day, it was nice, and I was surprised by a couple of people remembering it was today.
I don't know what tomorrow holds but today was good. Even in this crazy mess I am so blessed.
hrm, I am so happy that you had a good day for your birthday. I love the Fredrick's of Hollywood! They have some funny, unique and sexy stuff in that place! Good for you in finding something for you!
I hate to say this, but I'm proud of your h for wishing you a happy birthday. Many of them don't say or do anything for the spouse. Sounds like he's starting to mellow out just a little bit and feels safer to say and do things around you. I pray that this will continue.
Hang in there...from where I'm sitting, you've had a lot of positives in the last few weeks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did get what I got for me, NOT him though, so go me. 
