As with so many of these things, it's his problem if he can't let go. My H has done plenty of things that I have difficulty letting go of enough to lower my defenses to give us a second chance. That's a protective instinct, but I know it's something I have to let go of in order to have peace in myself. It's a burden that can easily be spun into an entire conspiracy theory if it gets out of control. Who would want the burden of a grudge that can never be settled? Who wants to live with all of that bitterness? Who wants to be the kind of person who has to blame others because can't own their mistakes?
Don't make his mistake and make yourself his victim. You did those things, and you're sorry and you can't change it, so move on. If he can't move on with you and enjoy the "now" then he's better left wallowing.
My H and I just started couples counseling. He let me have it about how my behavior hurt him so much that he had to divorce me. Of course, I'm mortified and ashamed and sad that I did something to hurt him, but that doesn't make the whole bad-R my fault.
Then there's another angle to consider. He actually has to go back seven years to find something to pin on you. If the best defense is a good offense, then that may be the best he can do to defend his actions. Poor guy.
He showed up today and plowed the driveway with the fourwheeler. Then he came in and started cutting the dog's hair. He was here for several hours...taking breaks, laying on the couch watching tv and smoking cigarettes. I gave him some coffee which he took. Offered him some brownies..he refused. He said he would pick up stepson for school in morning... when he was cutting dog's hair I said we would have to get rid of dog..he said that decision did not have to be made yet.
But that is just because he is letting us stay in house until end of school year, I'm sure.
He looks sad. He looks depressed. He looks closed off from me.
I just kept my distance.
The phone rang several times. He was listening to every word I said while I was on the phone each time. I told him I was restarting bible study tomorrow and writer's group. He just stared at me..that's what the phone calls were..oh, he said. I also told him I was starting my meds again because I was tired of feeling depressed and tired of listening to other people about whether or not I should take them...I talked to the doc and we decided that I need them, so am taking them. I told him I was going to counseling, too, for myself and that I was going back to AA and had called my sponsor because I needed the meetings. He didn't say anything, just looked a bit surprised. Then I said, One of the things you have said is that I don't think for myself...well, I have to now and I think these are all necessary things for me to do. I need to take care of myself and my son. Again, he looked surprised.
He hung around a while longer watching basketball and taking his time trimming the dog's hair. Before he left, I asked if he could run me down to the store ...he said yes. We ran to the store quickly and as he was leaving I told him he could finish the dog in the morning if he wanted. He said he would do it another day...or that I could do it. I said I suppose and thanked him for the ride.
He said he'd be buy to get the garbage and take it to the dump before he went to work ...said he was leaving on Monday rather than Tuesday. Wants to get oil changed. I said fine.
Will see him in am when he picks up son for school. He is just being nice though. He is proceeding with paperwork full bore. Has plans to talk to his HR department about his 401k plan and pension and how that has to be split when he goes to work this time.
I have got to just move on with taking care of me and my son. I let him talk me into going off the meds and talking my doc into believing I didn't need them and I became a basketcase. Now, I am sure that without the meds...I can't function. So, I need to move forward and keep taking the meds.
Quote: I have got to just move on with taking care of me and my son. I let him talk me into going off the meds and talking my doc into believing I didn't need them and I became a basketcase. Now, I am sure that without the meds...I can't function. So, I need to move forward and keep taking the meds.
It looks like your taking some great steps in the right direction. You might want to take his suggestion and finish the dog. Even if it turns out awful you will have done it yourself. Take care. --z
I have bible study at one o'clock today and writer's group at a little after 2 o'clock today. I am starting to get a life. I am going to AA tonight. I am also going to try to go to a rehab for a month to get my self together. I am going to try to do that during the time my son is on spring break or after he gets out of school.
That way he can be with his real dad.
My H said he would watch him on his time off work while I was in treatment, though...which was kind of him.
Thanks..I feel different. I feel better. I feel like I can move forward. I have to move forward. What choice do I have?
God will help me get through this. I have to be a good mother for my son. I have put the focus on my H for far too long. The focus needs to be on me and my son now. We need to worry about us.
I love my H...but H is not happy and I can not make him happy. Only H can make H happy.
Alaskangal..you sound so strong and so ready to reclaim YOUR life...that is great....this whole process is a learning experience..mostly about getting yourself back..
Stick to what you need to do..for you and your son..each day is a new one, and yes God will help you..in His own time..if you let Him..
I like your plans, they all sound positive and about and for you and S. You are right, H needs to find his own happiness as you need to find yours. I'm glad you are turning your energies towards yourself, it will pay off in the long run.
Ok, get this. I called H to ask him if he wanted me to have son plow driveway so he wouldn't have to do it...it was snowing again. H says no, he would rather do it. I say ok, then H asks do I need anything from the store? I say not really..H says grapes are on sale. I say ok, fine. I tell H I am going to 8 o'clock meeting will be gone by 7:15 or so...H says he will be over before then. I say fine.
H arrives around 6:30. H is hanging out on couch again. Son wants to go to town to inappropriate hang out while I am at meeting..I say maybe H would hang out with S til I get home...H says yeah, fine. I leave.
H and S are playing mario golf when I get home. S gives me controller and I play with H for a bit. S goes to bed. H and I watch tv.
H calls his parents and I hear him tell them he is spending night here as it is getting late and he has to take s to school in morning anyway.
H and I continue to watch tv. H is rubbing his feet. I tell him I still have lotion...his feet are dry. H says he doesn't want to put it on himself. I say I will do it for him. I give him a nice foot rub which leads to me rubbing something else.. H enjoys himself thoroughly. Does not really reciprocate for me in any way. H does HOWEVER come to bed and does snuggle a bit with me. I get him worked up a bit more and "climb aboard" ....he is not into it at all...I disengage and say...sorry, I am pushing you ...I snuggle against his arm and try to go to sleep. H goes to sleep.
In the morning, I get up first. Make coffee, eggs, bacon. H showers. I get son up. H eats, has coffee, and takes s to school. I ask what h is going to do today..H says maybe do the taxes if I think that he has gotten all my stuff...I say no, there is one more 1099 coming...I ask if he will be coming back over today...he says he will come over around 6:30 to take s to school function this evening. I say ok and say well, give me a kiss good bye in a low tenative voice...H hugs me and I kiss his neck....
H leaves his levis shirt and t-shirt here and takes a new pair of sweats I bought him for Christmas and a clean t-shirt to wear.
I am thoroughly confused. I have got to stay focused on my son and myself though...can't go getting all crazy about this...
But what do you all think? Was he just using me to get a little? Is he testing the waters? I guess I shouldn't even guess. I should just go on like whatever...
Sunday evening is church. Tonight son has school event. I should go to a meeting today or tonight.
Writer's group was great yesterday and so was bible study.
I am so glad that I am doing both again. Praise God. He is almighty.
Take care. --z
