Thank you. You are right. Unfortunately, he is coming over today to get some of his stuff and to bring dissolutionment papers. I will be civil and cool. I will tell him to give me some time to fill out the paper work. Then, hopefully, I will just go dark.
My son and I need some peace. He raised his fist to me last night like he was going to hit me...he wants everything to be my fault. I just can't deal with groveling anymore to make something work that isn't working.
Well, hon, who said you had to leave the BB? Of course you stay here for support! I was just in some of the same state as you a week ago. You need to drop the rope on the sitch. You need to detach, and take care of you. I think you are trying to hard to make things change around. It's your H's journey, so leave him to it. You just go about your business. Take your time with the papers. No rush.
I heard very similar words, though H didn't get a lawyer involved, he had in his mind what the divorce settlement would be and was not shy about sharing it.
As much as it hurt when he left, there was a sense of peace in that I wasn't being sucked into the drama. Some days I just spent in bed watching junk tv, but managed to keep the kids fed and clothed. But the distance was good, for me to stop the bad thoughts about H and be drawn into the many negative thoughts he loved to share with me---he didn't want to be my husband, didn't love me, etc.
Distance yourself from him. Don't call, write, email, he just is in a place where he doesn't care. Focus the energy on you. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. It seems so small, but it really is a big thing. When you find yourself thinking about him, either in anger (how can he do that to me) or sadness (he is throwing all the good away), use any type of self talk that works with you. I tried to keep reminding myself that my future begins now. I can do what I want. I don't have to worry about pleasing H, only me. It does begin to work.
This afternoon, H told me that he couldn't believe he almost threw this all away and was more in love with me now than he has been in a very long time. I never would have believed these words could have come from my H last Fall. There is hope, but at this point, time and distance between you could just be the thing you both need. Getting Back Together is a terrific book for this stage.
Quote: This afternoon, H told me that he couldn't believe he almost threw this all away and was more in love with me now than he has been in a very long time. I never would have believed these words could have come from my H last Fall. There is hope, but at this point, time and distance between you could just be the thing you both need. Getting Back Together is a terrific book for this stage.
Because my H told me a week ago that NOW he wants a D. And I don't! Now there is a 180! I told him I'm asking for a withdrawal and thoughht it would make him happy, wrong again.
So now I'm just waiting for my Att to inform me if he is going to do it for me.
Hope I can have a turn around like you! Thanks for sharing! I must get over and read your thread!
Alaskangal, as you can see we both can not give up hope! Here is a {{{{HUG}}}! I'll keep checking on you! Listen to jackie, she has great advice, I think I will do what she did!Think I'll see about ordering that book!
H stayed at a local bar/hotel last night. He was drinking alone. I stopped there. Went in. Told him the house would be empty from 8-12pm as I was taking S to see Lord of the Rings' last movie. He looked terrible. I told him I was worried about him and that I loved him. Then I left quietly.
H stayed at hotel. I called this am and asked him if he was still going to take me shopping in Soldotna. He said he would do so Friday. H said he would help take new christmas tree down on Friday. I told him I could not fill out paperwork alone. Would need help. He said he hadn't started his yet. I said ok and got off phone.
Now am just going to wait. I am so tired. Part of me says just give up...the other part loves him so much I can't.
Time to work on me again. Time to set up a plan in case this all really happens. I am so afraid. I just feel like I've lost him for good this time. He is so angry and so cold.
But then why would he agree to take me shopping? It's a 1 1/2 drive there and back. He needs an oil change. He needs to take a stereo speaker in and get it fixed, too. I mentioned those things to him and he said yeah, I know.
Knowing where he is makes it harder. I want to call him and beg and plead with him to come home. I can't do that, though, and I know it. So..no contact until he shows up here tomorrow. And tomorrow, I will look great and act nice. No matter what...I will make the trip pleasent.
I'm tired just reading your thread. So much EMOTION in your exchanges and just so much EMOTION. IMHO...your H is hurting and hurting bad. I would give him space, lots of space...lovingly detach for awhile. Go shopping if H still wants to go, treat him like a friend and keep things light...lovingly, d-e-t-a-c-h.
Take care of yourself and your son, take care of YOU.
Oh, I can relate! I want so bad for my situation to be fixed!!!! I can say I've been where you are too many times to mention on your thread.
You need to explore more in depth the concept that you can not control other people. What does it mean to you to actually let go? Do you see that by doing these things:
Quote: I stopped there. Went in. Told him
Quote: I called this am and asked him if he was still going to take me shopping
Quote: I told him I could not fill out paperwork alone. Would need help.
Quote:
He needs to take a stereo speaker in and get it fixed, too. I mentioned those things to him and he said yeah, I know.
You are trying to control his behavior and thus putting pressure on him. You've got to let up! Back way off, don't question where he is, what he's doing, what he needs to be doing! You can only control what you do, remember?
I was there and as we both see it is not working for your situation nor mine. He KNOWS you don't want the d but has yet to see consistent behavior from you to warrant him reconsidering. (I know you hate hearing how you are the ONLY one working on the m but are your really? With NO assumptions what is H really doing to work on m? Do you notice see any small changes?)
Why were you mad last night? Because you had expectations that were not fulfilled. Let go of all expectations NOW. Examine what your concept of marriage and change the way you are thinking! I mean if the man doesn't hug you but does do laundry...can that replace your concept of a what a good marriage is?
Do you understand what I'm trying to say here? You need to go back to the very beginning wipe the slate clean of all your assumptions, put in what your h does do then build off that...not what the romance, tv tells us m should be.
Please, do this to occupy your time right now. Getting Dr Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" will also help.
I'm praying for you to rethink your concept of marriage and love. Your h doesn't want to be d....you are forcing him to make the decision by having too high expectations of him thus putting pressure on him. You know he doesn't want the d...he looks miserable, he keeps coming back AFTEr he says it's over, he said ILY, he's trying in his own way to fix the m....but because it doesn't match what you are doing you get mad? Do you see this?
I'm sorry to whack you! I only say these things cause I know you truly love your h and you both want your m. YOu BOTH do! My heart hurts for you and hope by relaying this to you it will help turn your situation around...it did mine!! You are right the turnaround will come as you change! Your h has no clue how to do it...it is up to you to make it what you want.
I suggest also that you set up boundaries for behavior. I would list what you will do when your h does x such as "when h raises his fist to me, I will calmly say h this is not appropriate, I'm taking s and leaving and we can continue this conversation at another time"...this is a boundary. Not what h will do to preserve the r but what you will do so you can have the r you want. Make sense?
A male friend of mine from AA just called. He wants to take me and Dillon for pizza. He went through a divorce and drank over it. He's worried about me.
I am going to go. I'm afraid if we run into H he will think it's a date and get angrier...but I can't live in fear.
