Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ANGER THREAD - How do YOU deal with it???

the UF- How do you deal with it now? How do you address it?

MKB - thanks for asking - I'd like to know as well.

I know that if I work through the anger, my head will become more clear again, and I can try to adress the issue in a better way.
I know that if I let my anger take control it will makes things a lot worse. I do/say things I regret.
More so, I'm terrified of letting my anger take control, that's probably somewhat why I manage to handle it.

If I need to, I'll leave. Force myself to do something else until I'm able to adress the issue again. It's not easy though. It's been really hard. Because...well, you don't want to calm down. You want to act out.

Before I would feel like, Why should I have to be the one doing the right thing when I'm the one who feels wronged.
I would feel like a doormat for "letting it slide", you know?
Probably I had some issues with low self-esteem.

But at least for me, it helps. I calm down eventually and then I can try to adress the issue again in a better way. And maybe the respons I get will be better too.

Great thread KG! I've noticed so many women on here mentioning how angry they are. Anger is definitely something that is hard to handle but we need to know how to make the most of it.

My H thinks that I am a very angry person. Just yesterday when I found out that he was going out with another woman and I got upset about it, he said that my anger makes it very hard to be married to me. My issue with that, and maybe some of you have also experienced this, is that I don't think my H can handle anyone being angry at him for anything. Certainly I was justified in my hurt and anger but it's still unacceptable to him.

H's mother was kind of a raving lunatic so he has some very uncomfortable memories of her yelling. She abandoned the family when he was a young teen and he has never dealt with it - causing all sorts of problems for him and for us now. Certainly seeing this in my H makes me want to be the best mother that I can so my own children have a fighting chance. Unfortunately, I am a yeller and I can lose my temper easily. I try to give a warning but the kids can push and it's very easy to lose it.

I know that during the last few years I have been more angry than is probably ideal in a marriage. I'd chalk that up to resentment and stress. Like you, Labug, I walked around with the impression that I did everything and my H did nothing. In reality, that wasn't really true, but I was comparing him to my own standard, which is to be doing something at all times. Let's say he's not intrinsically motivated to do much other than lay on the couch or the bed. At this moment in fact, he is sleeping (9:15) and the kitchen is a mess because he hasn't cleaned it up from dinner.

Anyway - this behavior x 365 x 11 years of marriage definitely wears thin. Sure, he'd do as I asked but I was carrying the responsibility of the kids, the finances, running the household and working at a demanding full time job. Add "emotionally unavailable" on top of that and you have a recipe for disaster.

So how do I manage my anger? Meditation and exercise help, as we've all said. I'm not big on either but I'll take the dogs for a walk just to blow off some steam, and meditation can be a very focused way to just exorcise some of the anger and negativity. The other thing that I've started doing, more as a reaction to anxiety but it works for anger too, is cleaning. Yesterday I cleaned the baseboards in my guest bathroom and got out a rag and cleaned the corners and the bottom of the toilet. It is actually a good physical way to process the energy. A few weeks ago I completely scrubbed my stove and felt much better when I was done.

Hi RLA, I think finding the root of the anger is helpful, really digging. My anger was mostly based on abuse as a child. Once I was able to deal with that my anger became easier to let go.

Of course, my H has been gone, too. Hmmmm

If you are married to a man who is underfunctioning and you are angry about that, what can you do about it? Maybe you could answer this on your thread, so as not to hijack.

Hmmm....I have often toyed with the idea of destroying the really good crystal...so I packed THAT away

Exercise, yelling in my car, having a really good cry when no one is around. Otherwise, I think I would take it out emotionally on my kids and that is something I am really trying to stop. I must say I have been fairly successful in stopping myself when I am going to yell at them for whatever little infraction. I ask myself if it is really about the garbage not being taken out? Usually not lol!!

Yes, I think it's good practice to stop and say "What's this really about?" when we feel that heat rising from within...