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Have a great day Arsene. Happy Birthday.

Happiest of Birthdays to you Arsene... I think a couple years from now, you'll look back and realize that THIS year, you recieved the greatest gift you've ever had... A new you!

Thanks guys. Yeah AT, I just love those homemade gifts!

I went to immigration with W this morning. W was smiling when I picked her up and greeted me with "happy birthday!".

The ride there was pretty quiet, both of us were thinking I guess. Got there but the papers weren't ready so it was for nothing. W said she wanted a coffee so we stopped on the way back.

Had a pleasant chat about D8 and then the rehearsal at my home came up. I simply asked her who the friend was and when she mentioned it was her guitarist and that they could always do it in a studio if I preferred. I told her quite casually that if it was all the same, I'd prefer that, as I wasn't feeling comfortable with the rehearsal at my place and I thanked her. She stay silent, I sensed her mood changed a bit and she took her phone to change her arrangement. I stayed neutral. We then continued casually and pleasantly about a few light subjects and it felt like the mood had passed.

She didn't acknowledge or ask about the reason so I guess she understood. I felt like explaining myself but didn't want to make it an issue so I just dropped it.

We then got talking about D8 school and how we needed to move her next year. I mentioned how D8 misses the school where she was last year, in the neighbouring country. W quickly said:"Yeah, but I couldn't go back there. It was just too small for me."

I'm not sure why she would say that as I didn't say I wanted to go there or that if I was going to, that she was even invited to join us, but I let it pass.

Later, as we were riding back home, I thought about what 25 was telling me the other day so I mentioned that the touristic area would probably be the better choice anyway. W responded by asking if I was definitely thinking about moving next year and to this I said it was always a possibility but it was too early to tell, that many things might happen between now and then.

Then I asked her if she was thinking about it and she said that she had been thinking about it recently and that the touristic area would probably be the right place for her. As we were on the motorcycle, I couldn't continue this conversation and now I wish I'd asked her why she wanted to move. Maybe it's better I didn't. I can always bring it up later.

No new steps forward but at least I don't think there are any steps backwards either. All quiet on the eastern front.

Happy birthday brother!!!! It's my D15's bday today as well, She's D16 now!

Thanks mate! Give your D my best!

Arsene, you managed the conversation about the rehearsal very well. No need to explain yourself.
And there'll be time to talk about a potential move. The last thing you need to bring in now is another source of stress/change. It's okay to start thinking about it, though.
Happy b-day my friend.

Read this over at a different forum


From a former wayward who understands.

Now....imagine that I have watched h suffer over this for EIGHT MONTHS...and still I want some wiggle room to do what hurts him.....just how long does a wayward spouse get to "find herself and figure it out" before the line gets drawn?

This isn't so much about you understanding your wife as it is about the fact that SHE needs to understand what hurts YOU and commit to not doing it.






I know... Your getting there slowly...

Hiya Arsene.
Hope you have enjoyed your birthday. Sounds as if D8 has made it more enjoyable. I too experienced a "left behind birthday." Not easy, but I survived. Even had some fun too with the kids. They are wonderful anchors; and I'm hopeful to have a better one next year.

The spouse that says they prefer to die first, is the selfish one, so that they do not have to deal with the pain of loss. For us DBers, we are kind of priming for that one way or another. 8)

Glad you're trying to remain focused on you and D8, keep the PMA;
and of course I also hope W's "shift" becomes even stronger in the right way for you and your family.

Happy 47th birthday, Arsene.

I've been following your sitch and think you're doing really well.

Keep up the good work.

Thanks Tori, Afa, CB and Wendy,

I had a great Birthday. Lots of stuff happening to stir the emotions. First I got a call to the office at work telling me that most of my students had complained about me being angry in class and being too strict. I went to the office and the boss (a friend of mine) is looking very concerned and uncomfortable while the HR manager tells me some of the complaints. I just couldn't understand what was going on. All of this wasn't true. My students seemed happy after every lesson. Surely they would have told me if there had been a problem. I felt like I was about to lose my job and that my and D8's future were in a horrible place. Emotions were high and I got up to try and talk sense to the HR manager when...

the door opened and my students (all 40 of them) walked in singing happy birthday!

I was in tear. In 47 years, I've never been surprised this way. What a good thrill. I still have the shakes just thinking about it.

I also ended my birthday with a bang! I got home from work only to find W here and D8 informing me that W was staying the night. I guess I didn't mind but I would have appreciated at least a notice if not a request. Nonetheless, things went well till D8's bedtime after which W came out in the dinning room and we had a pleasant short talk about nothing specific.

That didn't last. I did a major backslide and cornered W into R talk.

The details are up in the air but most of it was done calmly and the gist of it is that I told my W how I felt about her and OM and how it hurt me. I guess I just didn't want her to think I was ok with what she was doing. I also mentioned how I was standing for this marriage and how much I love her (I know!) and believe in her and all that stuff I should have kept for me.

She told me she felt like I was trying to control her by standing and I told her that no, I was doing what I wanted to do and if the time came when it wasn't what I wanted to do anymore, I'd stop doing it. I told her I was not telling her what to do, simply what I was doing.

She kept saying I should just move on and get another woman and leave her be. I told her that I didn't need or want another woman. That I was sure that if one day she reconsidered, we would be happier than we ever were and that we wouldn't just have an ordinary marriage. She said she didn't want to go back and that I should stop living in the past. I told her I didn't want to go back either. That I was talking about the future and that it was her who kept bringing out the past. I told her that the man I was then is no longer here and that she can let him go.

She also said many times that it doesn't matter who one is with because it's just a process and we are all one. I told her that if it really didn't matter then why did she have to be with OM. If it didn't matter she could simply come back to her family. I told her that if for her it didn't matter for me and D8 it did.

At one point, she also told me that she fell in love with me because she could talk to me, really talk. I asked if she felt she still could and she said that lately she did. Later she told me that she didn't talk to anyone anymore. That she was satisfied with basic mindless small-talk lately. The deep talks were just too involved and no one understood her anyway and it was too much to think about.

During this convo, I managed to also tell her how I would appreciate if she minimized the use of her phone when she was around. And to generally show a bit more sensitivity when she comes around and try to put herself in my shoes.
I also said that it would be great if she let me know when she'll be around to see D8 or to spend the night. She was quite angry on this one and it became an issue for some reason. I managed to calm her down and eventually she agreed that it would be courteous to do so and would avoid misunderstandings.

Not my finest hour for sure. But if I lost my mind, I never lost my head and stayed calm and somewhat composed and upbeat during most of the convo. Except for on bit where W felt trapped and started fighting, the whole convo was from light enough with the odd humorous comment to serious with the both of us looking deeply into each others' eyes. I was overall able to show a bit of poise and confidence even though in retrospect an outsider might have detected the odd moment of pathos as well.

Anyway, towards the end things calmed down and I managed to bring light humor in the convo once again and even to flirt a bit (I know!).

During this convo, W laughed, cried, was angry, was concerned, smiled, joked and we ended up hugging, during which she pulled me back when I tried to release.

I'm not sure what it accomplished or whether it will be positive or negative but I'll just go back to the plan for now, put extra efforts on GAL, and try to keep my mouth shut for the next little while...

...and DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!!!