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Hi ya rH,

Wow, what a surreal time with the L and all...

Idk, I see a recurring theme through your threads regarding H, his external locus of self.

All the "things" he buys that end up not making him happy, the status symbols, his seeing "other couples" that have some "magic happiness" that he doesn't see with your M, etc.

He hasn't figured out that the things, the status, the 5% BF, etc., don't make him happy because he has no true sense of self that is generated from within...he is still looking for outside to fix inside. We are in that boat together with our spouses, my W does the same thing right now, and always has to varying degrees. Sadly, the family and M almost seem like "things" to them and maybe to a lot of society at large, like the motorcycles H bought, etc. He doesn't see those magic happy couples actually have to work at it sometimes, and getting through that "work" is what makes the magic. W doesn't get this fully yet either, but it seems to be working it's way in...maybe the reality of what H is doing now will help this seep in more, and faster. Time will tell I guess.

Just out of curiosity, does H have problems letting go of the past, mistakes, missed things, etc? Did/does he always seconf guess himself, and do a lot of "if only...."? Just curious, trying to wrap my head around all this and understand.

Guess I will have to find some new song to learn and post, like "Baby, pull your head out" or something....lol.


Hang in there!!!

T^2

just to be clear rH, the new song to find is directed at H....

Man, I just don't get it with him...here you are, on the eve of D, and you're driving around hand on leg, fingers in hair...that was a rarity in my M after the kids came along... wth? I want that again! Laughing at myself again...

Hi rh,

thinking about you, and hope you had fun at the museum today. You know, your comment about H got me thinking about some bruises I got since BD, on my legs, twice. I just ran into stuff in the house, just being very distracted with everything going on.

So RH... How was today???

I want to hear all about it!

Keep on keepin on girl

Tvs, thanks for asking. Your journey is getting pretty crazy right now too. Just after Gal has had a big change also. I'm hoping my big change is something OTHER than D! Lol!

Snodderly, I'm so glad you think the L visit went well. Me too. I'm struggling with how much to allow H to see me. Are more visits making him see how much he is missing? It seems unbelievably delicate right now.

MissA, I'm so sorry about the bruising. I know what you mean about being preoccupied. I almost lost my car keys when I was out the other day. I'm trying to treat myself VERY tenderly and forgive, forgive forgive myself. I advise you to do the same!!

T^2, I'm laughing at what you said too! Of course I knew the song was for him...but so kind of you to make it clear. Writing words down sometimes can lead to some misunderstandings.

I haven't noticed a theme of "if only", regrets, second guessing until MLC. My H was a pretty happy-go-lucky guy till then. If we made a financial mistake, we would hug each other and say, "it's only money". But last week (the depression talking) he sat on the bed with BIG tears in his eyes and said "I guess you made a poor choice with me". It broke my heart to see him this way.

And you are spot on about him searching for happiness. He's one miserable dude.

Journaling:

Looking over the past week since H got back from vacation, I see he texts every morning around 9ish. How did I sleep? How am I? Etc. And more texting me throughout the day.

He called Friday midday and then couldn't remember why he was calling. (!!)

He called yesterday but I had been crying (about him!) I had done the document for the lawyer and a budget for myself. I wanted to know if he wanted me to email the document or just go over it Sunday. He didn't seem too interested. More interested in wanting to come over and "nap" with me. We decided instead on what time to meet at the museum.

At the museum he was waiting outside. He reached out both his arms and grabbed S13 with one and me with the other! We had a pleasant time there. I took some pics of him and S13 which he posted on FB and tagged me.

He constantly had his hands on my waist or back or was drawing me to himself. S13 seemed really happy.

After the visit he asked what we were going to do next, something I hadn't thought of. I said it was too cold probably to go to a park, assuming he was going to HP next. It was obvious he wasn't, so I finally said I was planning on watching a movie and making popcorn with the boys and he could come if he wanted.

He explained he had nothing to do so he would come. When S13 realized this, he explained H was planning on coming Sunday to the house also. S13 knows H NEVER comes both weekend days. H just said "yup!"

So then S13 asks if he can ride with H and is delighted.

So H stayed till 8:30. He can hardly keep his hands off me. I asked him if he wanted to grill outside for lunch on Sunday and he said yes, he will bring the chicken to do so. I hugged him goodbye and he asked if he could come by at 11 am.

I said "whatever works for you". It almost sounded like he was choking up. Idk. The stars were SO pretty outside and he had an hour to drive to his dingy, mildew-smelling apartment.

He asked if he could have my extra lava lamp. And he offered to help me with fixing some issues with our driveway (long graveled lane) with the tractor.

It's so hard not to have hope. I'm trying to keep him at arm's length emotionally.

He tried to open a checking account for me at his credit union in a convenient place for me to bank but they said I had to do it. He said he will put $11K in it November 1 for me. So I guess he's planning on going through with the D, although I've stopped asking.

The attention?

A) guilt? Doesn't want to feel he's the "bad guy"
B) boredom? Comes here when he has nothing else to do
C) lonely? Life isn't as rosy as his Maui Jim's sunglasses show
D) love? He can't bear life without me

Who knows?

The craziness continues....

rH,
Continue as you have been. It's okay to have hope, but keep your expectations at zero.

The way that you have described your h's behavior, it almost puts me in mind of someone who is spending as much time w/family before he disappears, or in many instances, dies. Now, I'm not saying your h is going to die, but he may be "absorbing" as much of the love and good values for when the divorce is final and he can go off on the Mother Ship for a bit. I hope that I am wrong, but I've witnessed this behavior before.

If he does come over today, be yourself, but try not to raise any discussions about the divorce or your relationship. Keep things light and airy for you want him to go back to his place w/good memories so that he can dwell on them for a period of time.

Good luck!

hi rh, i have been reading your posts for a while. I see a lot of similarities. Snodderly i like what you said about 'absorbing' before going off on the mother ship for a bit.

It describes a lot of what I see with my H. Great family times, then poof...he is gone.

Hang in there rh. Keep on keeping on! :-)

Yes, snodderly, I get where you are coming from. H's behavior is so baffling.

I took your advice and we had a great time today. H came well before the time he said he would; went to the grocery store for me and everything. He wanted to cuddle and we did way too long, probably.

We made lunch together, he hung out with the boys a while, we napped, we washed cars together, he took S13 to town to play tennis. H really seemed exactly like his old self. Very little phone usage, and only at appropriate times. He was kind, funny, patient, everything he was before.

He did some chores around the house and helped with a parenting issue with S19.

I made pumpkin cheesecake for us, something he asked for a couple of weeks ago. It came out fantastic! Dreamy & creamy!

Before he left, in the evening, he asked to look at my document for L & budget. He agreed to everything while we were laying on our bed with my head resting on his chest.

He hugged the boys goodbye. No tears today, just family feeling. I gave him a nice hug and said I had a really nice time with him today. I wanted him to leave with that good feeling.

I'll keep in mind that this could be the prelude to running away. (thanks for the insight, busting) Just trying to keep an open mind to it all.

RH,

Sounds like a great day! I'm sure your boys enjoyed spending some quality time together as a family.

You are giving your H plenty of happy memories to take with him if/when he goes on his outer space adventure. Maybe they will help lead him back to earth/reality one day...

Keep up the great work, you are one strong lady...

Who also makes a kick a$$ pumpkin cheesecake! They certainly don't have that on the Mothership!

Tvs, thanks! It sounds like you are back to your same happy self! I like that!

I am feeling more grounded today than for a long time. Not like there's not a terrible ache deep inside but I'm trying to ignore it!

After our family weekend, last night I was laying in bed around 10 pm and it seemed ever so dark. So quiet. I had H around all weekend and the house seemed so empty without him.

So, I texted, "u asleep?" I know, not s'posed to do that, right? But it had a happy ending. He texted a few times and then called even though I told him not to. He had gotten home around 8 pm, had 2 mixed drinks, then called a friend of ours that we used to work with in Florida, who is now here and is renting a mile away from H.

This friend was a super nice guy, but fired from our federal job for drug use and is now working with H for a contractor. He has four daughters and is D and POOR!

So H was at this guy's place drinking. H doesn't usually call me when drunk but he was slurring his words and having a hard time following the short convo with me.

It was such a moment of clarity for me. H can be family man all weekend but here he is drunk on a Sunday night.

THIS IS WHO HE IS RIGHT NOW!!!

I have to accept that.

Also, I dropped by L's office first thing this morning and managed a ten minute meeting. L said I am exactly on target with H. He said "just looking at him, you can tell he is totally flipped out.".

He asked if he had always looked that way. (hair, designer clothes, expensive sports car, working out) I said no, he hadn't.

L assured me that I couldn't do better in court than the agreement we came to. He also said that he doubted I could get more than half his take home salary, and only once in this L's career (all in this county) had he seen 5 years of alimony. That's the biggie.

So.,.I'm feeling relieved, somewhat. L said he expected that I will do very well in any job I pursue, and that H was walking away from so much. Shaking his head sadly.

He thinks we can be done by December 10 or so if we don't mind it just before Christmas.

H is so sorry for himself with the $. I showed him my budget yesterday. He basically is giving me 30% of his gross salary which I have to pay taxes, health insurance and all of our living expenses for three of us. Next year including private school.

He takes 70% and is sorry for himself that he will hafta file "single" while I get "head of household". And he can tell all his friends I took him "to the cleaners". Good for him.

Trying not to be bitter. I'm certainly NOT angry. But it's the bitter part I don't want to control my life. Trying to let go, detach, breathe deeply, and move ahead.