Thanks Brian. I think so too. I am still angry today. Haven't talked to H and I'm assuming (mind reading I know), that he has a pretty good idea I know about the meeting and is keeping his distance until he feels the coast is clear.
I really feel he has no concept of how THIS act is going to change the way he and I relate. I talked to my IC about this as she wonders why this particular event is affecting me so deeply. She feels it may have to do with the whole situation finally becoming "real". I kind of feel that it's the dragging of S and D into the mix with the GF that is pushing me to this point. Like if it was just ME dealing with all of this I could handle it but bring my kids into it and it's a whole new ball game. This definitely requires more introspection on my part.
I was so angry when S told me that both H and GF told him they understood how upset S was when they met and that they had "gone through it too" (I'm assuming GF's parents were also divorced) I wish I could tell H that if that were true then he would want his children of all people NOT to go through it. How stupid to say something like that to a child to alleviate some of your guilt.
But no, in spite of this, I want my marriage and family and as such need to come here to vent. No mirror can be held up to H as he would not see his reflection right now anyway. I am just so tired.
I am dreading the next time I have to see H and am already making plans to not be there on Saturday when he comes to get S. I am afraid if I am there I will not be able to hold my tongue and will set myself back even more.
On a brighter note, I have really been trying to tune into S and D even more these past few days. Took S to practice last night and had a fun time stopping for dinner afterward, talking and watching the baseball playoffs. D is a little more closed off. I'm sure she's sharing more with her BF so I'm glad she has him for an outlet. She did come and lay her head on my stomach the other night while I was in bed watching TV. Gotta say, even at 18 I love that she still wants to do that. Especially at 18!
Just feels like I had my footing there for a bit and I've been thrown off course.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
One thing to keep in mind...I know you want your H back, but this man ISN'T your H! Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with who he has become? Don't just remember the good and who he used to be...that is something I did. Create your boundaries of what is acceptable to you and stick with them! You are a wonderful woman and deserve more.
Thanks Brian, You're right. I don't want to be with the man he is today. I think that's part of the reason I am so so anxious about even seeing him. He's a stranger in my H's body and I'm unable to predict how he's going to behave or what's coming next.
Sad (but much appreciated) that it takes relative strangers on a support board to validate the "goodness" and "worth" in each of us. Something we should be getting from our spouses anyway. I am so thankful to be able to come here and get your words of support and encouragement.
How are YOU doing??
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
As I'm feeling a bit better for now, I thought I'd come out and see how the rest of the troops are doing.
Sorry to hear about your S meeting OW. I know how you must be feeling right now and I understand you. It's like it spells out clearly that your kids' family is now a different entity. I fear the day when this happens in my sitch but somehow, I have a feeling that it will because my W has been as sensitive as your H when it comes to D8's feelings and ability to cope.
I keep telling myself that W is bound to come out of it but how long will it take? We can't just sit here and wait for it to happen so what do we do? We take care of our kids the best we can and show them that there is still a family to rely on. We show them the strength that perhaps our spouses lack and let them know that not everything in their world has gone bananas. That we are still here for them, just the way we always were.
We need to give them something they can still trust in the middle of all this madness which is upsetting their world. You sound like a strong woman FIO, and a woman any man would be proud to call his wife, and the mother of his children. Don't let the man your husband has become affect that beautiful person I know you are.
Take care of yourself.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene, Now you've got me all teary! Thank you for your kind words. They really do mean a lot and keep me going.
I do hope one day to either continue to be a GREAT W to my current H or if it's in the plan, a GREAT W to someone else. Either way it will need to be someone who appreciates me and what I have to offer.
Like you, I have that thought in my mind that I know this is not the end for H and I (apart from the relationship we HAVE to have because of the kids). But I'm wondering more and more if that's just wishful thinking. I know it's OK to "hope", and I have no expectation.
You are absolutely right about our children. All we can do is be there for them and show them true integrity and strength. That will give them theirs...
I am SO glad you are feeling better!! Did you get your medication yet? It has done me a world of good. Can't imagine doing this as long as I have been without it.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
I'm glad I could help. I did get my meds and took the first one this morning. I hear it might take a few weeks for the effect to kick in so I'm bracing myself. Until it does kick in, I'll rely on good old exercise, good diet, plenty of water and lots of GAL to see me through.
Something you said cheered me up this morning.
"(apart from the relationship we HAVE to have because of the kids)"
In fact, this relationship we HAVE to have is what might in the end save our marriage. It gives us the famous "gift" of time. We know they aren't going anywhere, that they'll be a part of our life for as long as the kids are around so, IMO, there is always hope if one wants to look at it this way.
Now, the problem is to detach to the point where we're not affected by every thing they say or do (or don't say or don't do) in the meantime.
That is where GAL comes in. And if in the process of GAL, something else (or someone else)comes along which is more interesting than WAS, we'll know and perhaps, won't care so much about WAS anymore.
Of course, that is exactly when they will start caring about us and try to get us back . Who knows? Give it a year and maybe your H and my W will be having this same discussion on this very site!!!
Have a good day FIO!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Week 3 of not seeing H. I remained upstairs when he came to get S yesterday and today when he dropped him off. S did return with a new skateboard however and D was given some $$ before he left. He stayed all of about 5 minutes.
I know I would miss out on "real" life with them if I was able to act like he was but it makes me so angry he thinks the $$ and things will ease his conscience. I don't know, maybe it does. He's able to swoop in once a week like santa with gifts and money never bothering to worry about the other days of the week. The homework, practices, doctor appointments, etc. Then return to his 20 something year old GF who I'm sure thinks he's just the best dad ever.Ugggg.
I'm starting to question my reasoning for pretty much having nothing to do with him these past weeks and could use some advice. Initially after finding out he took S to his new place and then the following weekend introduced him to GF I was just so disgusted and angry I didn't want to see him and say anything I would later regret. I am now wondering if I am just doing it to punish H. He's given no indication other than the text last Sat. that he's even noticed ("are you mad at me is that why you weren't here when I got here"). Prior to this we were getting along really well. I was somewhat irritated he would decide on HIS whim to stay at the house rather than take S to his mother's house prior to the big introduction with GF. But when he did we had a great time as a family. He would communicate with me if he was unable to take S to practice during the week. The past 2 weeks he's just not showed up. What would you all do? Am I feeling this way because I just want to have any interaction with H he sees fit to give or am I ruining the bit of good interaction we had? I don't want him to think here's the same old FIO, punishing me like a child. I'm trying to figure out how to protect myself without pushing him away farther without letting him have his cake and eat it to. Darn this whole process is madness! Thank you for any words of wisdom you might have!
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
I have read through your entire thread here tonight. I have a few comments. 1. Whatever he agreed to- hold him to it. Seriously. Use that time wisely. If he is to be there to pick S up then you be dressed to kill and act like you are heading out for a big time!!! Seriously. Make him wonder. I don't care if you just go to the grocery store and back home. He doesn't have to know that. 2. I really hope you changed the keypad and got the garage opener. Limits. Your H does not seem to respect you and unless and until you provide boundaries and stick with them he isn't likely to start. 3. Heck no, don't go out of your way to talk to him. You can address any issues with the kids, be polite but don't go out of your way. Be vague with any questions about yourself. Don't volunteer a thing. Nothing. Not about the kids, not about anything. If he wants to know something he will need to put on his big girl panties and find out himself. You have two children already. Don't need another. lol
Sorry but in many ways your H sounds like mine. He pretty much put me in the role of caretaker then had the audacity to complain and say I was too controlling.
Arsene was dead on and honestly I didn't think about it until just now and reading it, somehow, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You have years still. No worries. Think about it, how much has your life changed in the last 5 years? No telling where you will be in another 5.
Even if you do not feel like GAL much -- Fake it until you make it. Certainly do not let your H know. From the sound of those previous texts he is definitely the jealous kind. So let him sit and stew about that for awhile. Maybe that sounds mean. Really it's not.
One thing that is really striking me about your sitch is your H doesn't seem to really be feeling any consequences or at least none that are really hitting him very hard. I can you too, in my experience 20 somethings don't get off on someone else's teenagers putting kinks in their plans or that sort of thing.
I know when H left the first time and my kids were still so young, I briefly thought to myself that were it not so upsetting for all of them I should have sent them over for the weekends. Nothing else can be more irritating that someone else's wild kids non stop for a few days! :-) Of course, I didn't ever agree to that.
Sorry for getting so winded. I really wish you well with this. Don't let this girl and sitch change things for you. In actuality, nothing, has really changed with the sitch except now you do not have to lie or cover for your H. He didn't tell them before because of guilt and because in his mind somewhere he knew this wasn't right. Now let him deal with the natural consequences. Better for you. There comes a point when you cannot shield your children from the truth. Sure you can try but sometimes, they need to learn for themselves. It's hard and it hurts. Just continue to be the awesome mom you have been! I will be praying for you!
I have read through your entire thread here tonight. I have a few comments. 1. Whatever he agreed to- hold him to it. Seriously. Use that time wisely. If he is to be there to pick S up then you be dressed to kill and act like you are heading out for a big time!!! Seriously. Make him wonder. I don't care if you just go to the grocery store and back home. He doesn't have to know that. 2. I really hope you changed the keypad and got the garage opener. Limits. Your H does not seem to respect you and unless and until you provide boundaries and stick with them he isn't likely to start. 3. Heck no, don't go out of your way to talk to him. You can address any issues with the kids, be polite but don't go out of your way. Be vague with any questions about yourself. Don't volunteer a thing. Nothing. Not about the kids, not about anything. If he wants to know something he will need to put on his big girl panties and find out himself. You have two children already. Don't need another. lol
Sorry but in many ways your H sounds like mine. He pretty much put me in the role of caretaker then had the audacity to complain and say I was too controlling.
Arsene was dead on and honestly I didn't think about it until just now and reading it, somehow, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You have years still. No worries. Think about it, how much has your life changed in the last 5 years? No telling where you will be in another 5.
Even if you do not feel like GAL much -- Fake it until you make it. Certainly do not let your H know. From the sound of those previous texts he is definitely the jealous kind. So let him sit and stew about that for awhile. Maybe that sounds mean. Really it's not.
One thing that is really striking me about your sitch is your H doesn't seem to really be feeling any consequences or at least none that are really hitting him very hard. I can you too, in my experience 20 somethings don't get off on someone else's teenagers putting kinks in their plans or that sort of thing.
I know when H left the first time and my kids were still so young, I briefly thought to myself that were it not so upsetting for all of them I should have sent them over for the weekends. Nothing else can be more irritating that someone else's wild kids non stop for a few days! :-) Of course, I didn't ever agree to that.
Sorry for getting so winded. I really wish you well with this. Don't let this girl and sitch change things for you. In actuality, nothing, has really changed with the sitch except now you do not have to lie or cover for your H. He didn't tell them before because of guilt and because in his mind somewhere he knew this wasn't right. Now let him deal with the natural consequences. Better for you. There comes a point when you cannot shield your children from the truth. Sure you can try but sometimes, they need to learn for themselves. It's hard and it hurts. Just continue to be the awesome mom you have been! I will be praying for you!
This is good stuff FIO ^^^^
My thoughts are with you.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thank you MK and Arsene, For you MK to read through my entire thread is so appreciated. I know I ramble at times. It just seems I have so much to get out!
Knowing my H as I do he's probably of the mindset that since there is no "official" settlement in place he's going to finesse things as he can. He knows I'm angry and is staying away. I don't want to have to act like nothings wrong just to get him to pick up S for practice or drop him off on Sunday's at the time HE came up with.
You know, I think/thought the same thing. Why would a NORMAL 20 something y/o want a man who is giving most of his income to his "old" family, who up until recently spent 90% of his weekend and 100% of his holidays away from her? I know it's not my problem but it's so darn confusing.
I would LOVE to get my 18 y/o over there for just a day. I don't think she would have any problem living up to her full "brat mode" if necessary and would definitely ask some pointed questions. She, however, reiterated yesterday that she has no desire to EVER see where her dad is living or spending time with.
I did put a GAL "idea" into H's mind when he picked up S on Saturday. I had been invted to a friend's Halloween party and although I knew if I ended up going I would not be spending the night I made sure my usual overnight tote (that H is very familiar with) along with my makeup bag were front and center next to the door when he came. I also made sure some of my costume choices were kind of spilling out of the top of the bag. Figured that would give him something to think about on the drive to GF.
Back to the whole "gift of time thing"...Thank you for reminding me. It's only been 3 weeks since I've really shut down on him. I know it's not going to take overnight for him to even begin to see the repercussions of his actions. One step at a time.
Thank you both for putting things in perspective for me. Sunday nights are always difficult for me. Even more so now when S comes home and I know where he's been. My mind gets the best of me and I think about whe a great time the 3 of them must be having. I know logically that's not the case.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
. Who knows? Give it a year and maybe your H and my W will be having this same discussion on this very site!!!