Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Keep breathing...

Halloween was pretty fun. We went to a party at that neighbor's house and then H took the kids trick or treating. Unfortunately his ankle swelled up and he was in a lot of pain by end of the night. So then I got to take care of him. He lets me do that and I am fairly mothering so it's kind of a natural role for me.

Not much change otherwise. We are doing a great job of co-parenting. He's so engaged with the boys. Just wish he wanted to be engaged like that with me. That's going to be the big challenge - for him to put effort into making this relationship as good as it has the potential to be.

I need hugs too. RegretfulLA, how can we fulfill our LL-Physical Touch without relying on H or someone of the opposite sex?

After S4 was born I wouldn't look for Hs affection. I felt complete with my little baby. Now that i have 2 kids you'd think I'm satisfied with their little hugs and kisses but I need Hs affection.

I crave it! You know what? I'm going to hug him when he comes in from work today. I'm just gonna do it. I might get a weird uncomfortable look from him or a "what are you doing?" but that was how I was before. Before when I was in love and we were dating. NO EXPECTATIONS!!

Screw it RegretfulLA, LET'S DO IT!

BTW: Have you looked into Retrouvaille?

Well, I have been giving my H physical affection for about a month now, and it's helped... but getting it back is the problem. The day when I said I needed a hug, I just stood there and hugged him even if he didn't want to participate.

My H can be very stoic, so I can lie on the bed with him for an hour or 2 cuddling and that will be the extent of it. No doubt that he enjoys the affection and the closeness but there are times when I need it back and that's when it gets hard for me. Last night, I came home from work and lay down to take a nap (he was lying down too because he hurt his ankle) and immediately his shirt was off and he was looking for a back rub. I think I am going to have to work on getting some reciprocation from him.

I did ask him to scratch my back the other day, which he did. It was truly itchy. Maybe one of these days all of this will lead to something else. I am not sure how he stands it but maybe his antidepressants are suppressing his urges.

Today is H's birthday. We are going to make him breakfast in bed, then he is going to take the boys to the movies and I am going to make him a cake while they are gone. Casual dinner out with the family. Tomorrow night we might go to a friend's birthday party together.

More updates as they happen. Nothing too exciting going on right now.

Well, H's birthday has come and gone. He told me it was the nicest birthday he could remember. I certainly put a lot of love and sincerity into my efforts vs. going out to a fancy dinner and getting him a nice gift, which is what we usually do. I am sure he recognized that.

Somehow it worked out that we all were around today. The boys' school was closed, H took the day off and I work from home on Fridays. Plan was executed as I detailed above - breakfast in bed, movies, casual dinner and cake. H was truly surprised about the homemade cake, since he has complained in recent years that I bake for everyone except for him. I have never made him a birthday cake before so I decided it was about time (it was great by the way). I got him a very small gift, something he needed, and said it was from the boys.

I also mentioned that H has been feeling low because he has this pain and swelling in his ankle. He really hasn't been able to walk around much and we finally figured out that it's probably gout (which he's had for years). So Ive been Florence Nightingaling him with that for the past 2 days.

Tonight we fell asleep cuddled up together on the bed watching TV, but then when we woke up it was business as usual, Regretful gets to pull out the sofa bed and do that whole thing. I did actually lodge a complaint, that it was a hassle and I was getting tired of it, and his response was simply "I know, it's a pain," and that was about it.

So, it's been 2 months since I've been back at home. I was out for almost 3 months. In the two months there's been considerable progress and I'm very happy about that. I seem to have hit a wall though - it's like that plateau when you're trying to lose weight. Sometimes you even gain weight.

H was very pleasant and appreciative today, but I just don't feel love from him. And maybe that won't ever change. It's like when you're dating someone who you're really into and you work and try and think about it a lot and nothing changes, and finally you realize, "He's just not that into you." It's like he's made this decision to stick around and co-parent for the sake of the boys, but he hasn't bothered to tell me about it.

One sort of positive sign is that he's again talking about things he wants to do with the house - the lawn, maybe buying furniture. And we're communicating better about money. I told him that he needed to be in charge of helping the boys keep up their room, a "steward" as it were. I'm sure I will have to continue to nag here but at least now he's officially responsible for something.

This is all fine and dandy but for the first time I really feel like he doesn't love me. He wants to be loved but does not feel obligated to return love. Breakdown says he does not know "how" to love me, but I think he actually does not love me. I have gone through periods of not loving him, but it was not during a time when he was being loving towards me. Maybe I am overdoing it with all the fussing over him which is allowing him to become more complacent.

I remain committed to sticking out the status quo through the end of the year, but I will probably be here every day complaining bitterly about it. Now that the low-hanging fruit is taken care of, my biggest complaint at this point is the sleeping situation. I understand that it's important to let a WAS do things on their own terms, but as I have said so many times, it's a fine line between "giving them space" and being a doormat.

Hi Regretful,

You express yourself and describe your sitch so clearly. It's a pleasure to read your posts because you sound so self-aware.

I know exactly what you mean about not feeling love from your H towards you. When H stayed put years ago after his A, he quite openly said it was for the kids' sake and not for mine. I remember my DB coach saying that it often happens like that and to let it ride and keep DBing. I kept wanting to take the temperature and see whether it was partly for me. She advised me not to go there.

For a while, I had no expectations of H pulling his weight around the house or being involved in the kids. He was depressed for months and slept his way through it. I just gave him a very wide berth. Things definitely improved, albeit very slowly (until I became complacent again).

I think it's great that your H says it was his best birthday yet. That's huge. It shows that you're getting good at his LL. I don't think someone who says that and if very family-oriented is on their way out.

I'm taking it you sleep on the pull-out. Could he sleep on the pull-out and you sleep in the bed and then he'd have the hassle of setting up every night? What happens if you fall asleep in your bed? Would he wake you up to send you out? Maybe you could start alternating who sleeps on the pull-out and it would become such a hassle that the default position is that you're both in bed. I wouldn't expect cuddles in bed at first though.

In terms of what you do for him, I'd just make sure that you do things in such a way that you don't build up too much resentment. Also, make sure you also look as if you have a life that will carry on happily with or without him.

Your H may never love you the way you want but if you think of it as a package deal (H + kids in one family), does it make it worth it? That's sort of how I feel in my sitch. Maybe because I've now witnessed my mother split up from my father and then from her next husband. Although she is remarried (and had 10 years of being madly in love with H3) it really doesn't appeal. She can't see any of grandchildren or her children without having to make sure that her current H isn't feeling left out. I really think she's missing out on parenting and grand-parenting with the fathers/grandfathers of her children and grandchildren. At this point, there is no way out for her because she's had children with her 2 xHs. She's completely out of love with H3 by now anyway. I reckon she should have stayed with H1 or at least with H2.

Have a good weekend, Regretful and I look forward to your next update.

It sounds like your making great progress. Give it a bit more time, Ge may still be confused himself and trying to make sure things are going to work before he becomes loving again.

Time for a new thread. My women's intuition about something being not right is turning out to be true.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2295988&#Post2295988