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If your lawyer is representing you, I wouldn't have my h go along w/me. It is showing your h the way that you and your lawyer are going to handle your divorce against him. You don't want to show your hand to your h because when he seeks legal counsel he will share that info w/his own lawyer and there could be a long drawn out battle over the splitting of the assets and spousal support.

My advice, don't take him w/you as it is not in your best interest. Your h needs to seek his own legal counsel in this matter.

That's what I don't understand. My H is not one to cry!! He cried several times in the days before he left. I just don't get it, if it hurts that much than why not try to fix it instead if running. I have no idea about the L situation but he needs to take financial responsibility at least. That's one thing he can't run from. ((( )))

Soul.Searching,
There is no easy fix for what they are going through. It is an emotional and spirtual journey for them. Just as you grieve the death of a loved one, there is no easy fix to move you through the grieving process.
Eventually the mlcer will work things out within themselves and accept that they were not responsible for some of the emotional hurt that was put upon them. But, it all takes time...some come through the crisis okay and others will remain lost forever.

Here is a link to a thread that I posted many years ago about why they run. It might help you better understand what happened or is happening now.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

Snodderly, I just read your post on why they run. Wow, my H has always had ADD and grew up with parents who always put their drinking friends before H and his sisters and at times were emotionly abusive or maybe neglectful.

I have been lurking on this board since Feb and I finally signed up last week...so I posted my story because I know this is bigger than me and I need help, but for some reason it has not posted Can someone help me with this?

RH, I've been reading your story and I think your awsome at how you can always show your H your love...sorry to hijack your thread.

This is all so sad because we can see their only making life harder and adding more hurt to an already painful sitch.

My H was angry at me saying yesterday if I had only "let" him go, he would be better and already on his way back.

The grass is always greener on the side of woulda, shoulda, coulda! If only so an so, if my mom, my dad, the world, I wouldn't be like this today.

So they compound more onto themselves and take away the best thing in their life, us, the kids!? Is it punishment, disgrace, unworthiness, or do they really believe it will be better.

My h says he knows it would be crazy for him to let me go, family and friends offer him every opportunity to what "get better"...don't do it!

RH: You sound like such a caring loving person, I'm so sorry your going through this. It is the hardest thing to understand and my prayers are with you. I will keep reading, your writing it helps make me think for myself, thanks for sharing you most painful thoughts.

It is sad about your S, I find with my S21, who had the best relationship with his father, that he has to be aloud to feel what he's feeling and with my love he'll come out of this ok!

Snodderly,
I read your post on "why they run" some time ago and it was instrumental in leading me down this path of DB'ing. My W and I have talked about her past and worked through some of these issues with a non-expert counseler. Do you see any value at this point of me trying to talk her into seeking a profesional at this point? She does not trust counselors so she may not even entertain that thought and i do not want to come across as pushing her or not taking responsibility for my share of the M problems. I just do not see her getting through this without a professional that can help her sort out the emotions and internal pain she has buried.

RH sorry for the hijack.. ((( )))

Hopefull2,
I would not suggest she see a professional at this time. Don't try to rush the process. She is still trying to work through her issues and she needs to process everything on her own. If she feels comfortable w/the non-expert counselor, then leave her alone.

You can't fix her. She has to be the one to decide if and when she wants to seek out a professional. Keep the focus on YOU.

Dear RH..they don't call it a crisis for nothing...to those of us who can still think logically, it seems easy. The problems your H is creating are far greater than the ones he is leaving behind. SMH. What a mess. Take care sweet lady. There are brighter days around the corner, I know it.

Hey guys! Anyone can ever hijack my thread! We are all in this together.

Gal, so kind of you to post, since you have something major going on. Today was actually a bright day for me.

Dawnmarie, so much pain. I guess that's why we hafta grow. Thank you tons for support. I'll catch up on your thread soon...just a crisis week for me.

Soul-searching: the crying this has baffled me too. My H is a man I didn't see cry for ten years. And now it's almost every time I see him. The pain must be terrible.

Snodderly, I read the "why they run away" thread. It has helped much with compassion for my H.

Caigy, There us something strange about your posting, but I saw your thread the other day and read it; just didn't comment. I'm so, so sorry for the pain. Thank you for posting here on my thread. Thank you for seeing the love I feel for my H.


Weds.:

Ever a confusing world, isn't it?

H came by to watch S13's tennis lesson with me then we went for a drive in his car.

When we got going he put on some nice rock-n-roll music.

Then...the weirdest thing happened. We were at a traffic light and a new song came on. I immediately riveted to it and thought I had heard it but I hadn't. I listened to the words...and it was the VERY song T^2 posted the words to on this very thread! Times Like These!

NOT a coincidence, if you ask me. Here we are flying down the highway listening to this beautiful song, his hand on my leg, I'm playing with his hair. Wow!

So...we go back to the parking lot. He tells me how good I look. He looks at me like a teenager looking at his first love. We cuddle for a while in the car.

We leave the car to pick up S13 and he puts his hand on my back just like a couple in love who has been together a long time.

Did I say anything about this being surreal?

Next day:

I got to see L half hour early, then H comes in. The L had gotten me a bottle of water and offered to get H one. H & I look at each other and say we will just share. L looks at us strangely.

So we negotiate in front of L. Some tears from each. Hold hands. It's all so calm. H gives me half his take-home salary for 5 years till S13 turns 18. We talk visitation, insurance, house, retirement, pension, personal property; I get half of everything. I'm not pressured into selling the house till I want to. H says he won't prevent me from moving outta state if I want to.

H tears up when he mentions his deceased dad and sister, and the burden our time in a fundamentalist church put on our family. Then (in front of L) he asks me to go for drinks and dinner afterwards.

L tells us the story about when he and his W nearly D in 1979. They got almost to the actual D and decided not to. Why did he tell us that?

I'll put together a document stating what H & I decided on and deliver it to L (after H's review) on Monday. Then L draws up documents, we will sign & then 30 days to D.

H held me in the lobby of L's office while they ran the credit card.

We went out to our cars and H says he wished he hadn't driven his Mercedes, worn his Polo shirt and brand new sneakers and Maui Jim sunglasses! Lol!

He came to the house and winterized our pool with S13 and then we went to dinner at a favorite restaurant. We sorta debriefed over the L visit (H & I used to work together).

For some reason we brought up the subject of undignified moments while drinking. He said he had several recently and since we were drinking beer I asked him if he could share any. He had a blank look on his face and said he couldn't think of any.

So I asked him about a nasty bruise/abrasion I had seen on his upper arm when we were ML a couple of months ago. When I pointed it out at that time, he started to cry bitterly.

Well, he said he didn't know how it happened. I said incredulously, "you don't know?!" he said he didn't remember any of that night. I asked about driving home. He said he didn't. Someone had to take him. I just stared at him. I said I guess he must've fallen then. I didn't ask any more questions about the incident although I had plenty.

I asked him, "is your drinking under control?". He said (in an entirely different voice) "of course it's under control."

He admits posting a lot of pics on his FB during his vacation hoping I would look at them. (I had told him I don't look at FB any more very much.)

Then when we left he gave me the "I'll die if I ever have to let you go hug.". Then he texted to see if I got home safely. (I only had one beer but that's a lot for me...lol!)

He also wants to go with us to a natural history museum I'm taking the boys to on Saturday.

I know I may get some 2x4's for not doing everything just right. Go ahead and Bring It On!!! (that may be the title of my next thread!)

rH,
I think you handled the lawyer's visit well. The lawyer was telling you both about his story of almost getting divorced for a reason. He was trying to reach out to your h in a very subtle way. It's very evident that your h is a confused man and truly does not know what he wants.

They cry because they are hurting so badly and they are very confused and don't know which way to turn. They want to stay and yet they want to run, i.e., nature calls them and it's very gut wrenching for them to have to make a decision of this sort and that's why many of them push us to do the dirty work because they can't do it.

Definitely work up the document and get it to your lawyer as soon as possible. You do not want to give your h a lot of time to think over what he's agreed to, since his guilt is giving you half of everything w/o a fight. It's so sad and I wish I have a magic pill to wake him up.

As for the bruising, many of old timers saw this when our spouses ran away. My xh had bruises on his shoulder and lower back and claims he didn't know how he got them. I think your h does know how he got the bruise and is claiming he doesn't remember. Don't push asking him about it again...the answer may come later.

rH, now it's time to focus on you and your children. You can leave the door ajar for you h, but be careful of his cake eating. Keep your boundaries in place.

Enjoy your weekend.