Nope, not spitfire. Oldtimer with a new name. Not important, really.
As far as Cat, she's got a lot going on right now. But you will find that she will make you think. Sometimes it takes a few days for it to sink in.
You do have a choice regarding this journey. Many turn bitter and don't learn anything from it. Many don't do anything to figure out themselves. Some give up and walk away.
But those who choose to walk this path and do the work, well, either way it turns out you are better for it.
And yep, this is your time. Let him blow in the breeze right now. A few things that helped me was looking at people that I admired and figuring out why I did. I made a bucket list of sorts with big things and really small things on it. Classes I might want to take, places I wanted to go, things about myself I wanted to change.
You are thinking things through. That's good stuff.
I meant no disrespect to Cat regarding the "gone again". I appreciate that she takes the time to check in and ask insightful questions. I know she just lost a parent and there must be much for her to do. Sorry if I caused offense, none intended.
I like the "bucket" list idea. Mine would be 10 feet long. Never could figure out what I wanted to do when I "grew up". Perhaps that should be number one on the list?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
There was no disrespect. I actually sort of laughed at your comment. I have always had cats and you are right, the way that I have been coming and going around here lately, is very cat like.
Urworthy, is also one of the best. She is also very aware of the details of what I am dealing with and simply wanted you to know that I am not trying to leave you hanging, just very involved in family stuff right now.
I can't speak for everyone, but for me (and the oldtimers know this), you would have to say stuff way worse than I come and go, to offend me.
The truth, while sometimes can be hurtful, is simply the truth. And that was all that you stated.
I have thought about the comment, and while my old friend is right, I am very busy right now, I had to look at why I post like that now. Because it isn't just since my current situation started, I have been like this for a while now. I used to be very present in my postings, occasionally taking breaks if I felt the need.
Honestly, I am around. I read. Sometimes when I have stuff to say, I am not at a computer and I hate posting from my phone. Other times, I wait to see if anyone else will post, newer people, who need the opportunity to connect with others and learn from the boards and each other what I learned here. I will wait for a posters response sometimes.
Anyway...
Keep posting, don't worry too much about offending me. I have thick skin.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I reread. First time I thought the question was present tense.
Originally Posted By: cat04
I am curious, how did you express your love to your H?
But I see its actually past.
I/we did
EARLY DAYS
send notes small gifts say ILY pda (manager of BK told us to stop hugging lol) ML talk talk talk listen listen listen frequent phone calls spend as much time together as possible cook for each other
START OF FAMILY my notes went unread, his stopped
(Interesting story here. One time I left a note for H, just letting him know where I had gone and when I'd be back. HE WOULDN'T LOOK AT IT. Because, he said, when his 2nd W left him she had put a note on the bed saying goodbye. Fear of abandonment?)
still ILY for the first few years some pda, but at home. HDA? ML talk H started hating my phone calls, I stopped calling unless absolutely necessary I cook for him & family H starts coaching hockey. 7 days a week.
1st 2 affairs (both physical, 1 a one night, the other a few months) my father dies his sister dies
SCHOOL AGE, TEEN CHILDREN
my mother dies
H's very successful business is shut down under unfounded allegations of wrongdoing. H is devastated, tries several other endeavors but none successful for long. Most recently got fired from his job due to current crisis.
H's parents health begins to fail
no more ILY. I try, but mostly get no answer or a flip answer, so I stop altogether makes it clear he doesn't want gifts from me affection, even at home he pulls away. He mugs this up for the kids, saying "Ew yuck, help me" I told him, in private, that even tho this was done for entertainment of the kids, that it hurt my feelings. I stop. still ML, but menopause started about 8 years ago for me. I'm still willing, but its not the same and H resents this. I cook, but when I had a job H would cook if my work schedule conflicted.
Thoughts?
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H started hating my phone calls, I stopped calling unless absolutely necessary
Originally Posted By: Mrsrjd
no more ILY. I try, but mostly get no answer or a flip answer, so I stop altogether makes it clear he doesn't want gifts from me affection, even at home he pulls away. He mugs this up for the kids, saying "Ew yuck, help me" I told him, in private, that even tho this was done for entertainment of the kids, that it hurt my feelings. I stop. still ML, but menopause started about 8 years ago for me. I'm still willing, but its not the same and H resents this. I cook, but when I had a job H would cook if my work schedule conflicted.
Thoughts?
I see a pattern of your efforts being thwarted so you stopped trying. You were feeling rejected so you avoided situations that would make you feel that way.
Understandable, but the message that it could have sent, instead of one of compliance, was also one of rejection.
Which allowed the pattern of detatchment to grow for both of you.
The idea of the Butterfly Effect is obvious here.
As far as menopause, did you do anything to try to make it's effects less?
I am also a woman who is going through early menopause and it's effects on my M and my life, as I have become extremely emotional, volatile, and unpredictable, were less than pleasant.
Over the years, I have tried different natural things to help me combat it. I have also come to understand it, accept what I need to, aid what I need to, and have learned different ways to deal with it.
I don't allow it to be an excuse. It also requires open dialogue with my BF regarding what I am feeling, physically, mentally, and emotionally all of the time.
Simply being a willing partner, isn't all that satisfying for me or BF.
So I work to make it different.
Thoughts? Any ideas from other women who have gone through this?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Truth Dart: A short statement that cuts through an MLCer’s confusion and chaos, planting the seed of a question in their mind.
Typically you won’t receive a mature response at the time of delivery. Truth darts grow as an MLCer processes the insight. Short statements cut through the haze beneath detection; long monologues may lose an MLCer’s attention or incite too much anger. They aren’t about realizing an immediate change and a thank you for your honesty. Truth darts have no tip, they’re a mirror. They’re upsetting because directing the MLCer to the mirror encourages thinking, forcing them to face the truth and consequences of their actions, whether they like the truth or not.
Paving the Way doesn’t mean you tell your MLCer pleasant things they want to hear and avoid being real. The delivery of a truth dart needs to be calm, firm and cordial rather than curt, rude or demanding. An irritable tone may drowned out the meaning of your words so that your message goes unreceived.
Truth darts aren’t criticisms, complaints, insults or rants and they shouldn’t be confrontational, but sometimes they hurt. An MLCer may feel the sting of painful truth and reacts with Monster. Sometimes an MLCer admits the validity, sometimes the dart is subtle enough that the MLCer doesn’t immediately feel the sting; instead the truth dart may quietly plant a seed and that seed of dissent within the MLCer may grow. It may enable them to doubt their actions, or feel shame and guilt, but they may or may not associate it with the truth dart sent by you since the seed grows gradually and brings their own thoughts and associations. A neutral and detached delivery will have a better chance of penetrating the barriers your MLCer may have built to keep you out.
Yes, I see that H may have been unaware of WHY I stopped some of my efforts.
(But the phone call thing? It was a fairly big deal. At the time the kids were all very little and H was working and coaching hockey so I saw him in the morning (crazy time with 4 under 4) when he came home to eat-dinner-while- changing-for-hockey, and then when he came home for bed which was late, around 10 pm. So, I started calling him at precisely noon everyday, hoping to get literally TWO minutes of his time. I watched the clock so I knew it was only 2 minutes. He was his own boss, so no issues with receiving phone calls. No. He flat out told me HE WOULD NOT BE MAKING TIME TO TALK TO ME. So. Call it avoiding hurt, DBing, detaching or whatever you please, but it was definitely and clearly HIS PREFERENCE. Now, interesting side note, when I was working he would call me several times each shift.)
But, to play to your point, knowing H he would not have expected me to take the phone call attitude into other areas. He would not see it as him rejecting ME, just my phone calls. It was a hard time of our M. Another hard time. H doesn't like babies, and we had a houseful. That's why he did so much coaching, couldn't be around the noise and chaos. And that was ok with me because when he was around he was a surly snarling beast. So he coached with my blessing. I didn't think at the time I resented that but maybe I did? I knew I resented the hell out of the phone call thing.
I have wondered if some of our M unhappiness is me trying too hard to be what H said he wanted me to be. Some of the things are just not in my personality but I tried anyway. H would not think I tried too hard probably, because I didn't/don't do a very good job. There's some sort of saying about only being a second rate imitator, should be a first rate original... but I should have spoken up. Should have said "No. That's not who I am. Deal with it." HAH. Those words would be a 180 for sure.
I didn't mean to use menopause as an excuse. It just made things different. I've tried some supplements but haven't had much success. I told H that I thought some "sweet talk", kissing, hugging etc would prob help get me in gear but he said we were past all that. And then he started getting down right whiny. Would no sooner lay down than he'd say "Guess we won't be having sex tonight. Or any night. Because YOU don't like that anymore." etc. And it wasn't that I didn't like it, or want it, my body just was slow to get on board with my brain/heart.
Oh, and regarding giving offense. I just wanted to make sure I didn't come across as unappreciative of the time you spend with me.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Only have a minute, but, Mrs. I hope I didnt make you feel badly about your comment about Cat. Just wanted to let you know that she was dealing with some stuff.
Trust me, she would not be offended by your comment. No worries, ok?
