Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

T,
Everything is baking up nicely. Please continue to be patient and sit quietly.

I'm sorry to hear that your wife accidently hit and killed a dog. It is the worse feeling.

I admire you....the fact that you are determined to commute to work via bicycle through all sorts of weather. Go for it!

I'm very proud of you in the way that you are helping others. I've sat here and watched you grow and share what you have learned along the way. That is what our travels are all about, i.e., growing, learning and sharing.

Keep up the good work!

Now, I need a huge favor, Sweetbriar is a poster over on Newcomer's. She needs our help. Can you and/or the posters that are reading this post, please go over to her thread and provide her some support/advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

Hang in there...you are the star pupil!

T you never cease to amaze me, you are an awesome, inspiring person! Keep up the great work!!

Sorry to hear about the dog.... that would be sooooo traumatic.... I get upset when I hit a bird or squirrel, I can't imagine hitting a dog!!!

I find this frustrating too -- one day she is talking about the kitchen, the bathroom, the new heating boiler repainting the living room and the next day she is running to my neighbors house - insane insane --

You always handle it like a champ !! You're an inspiration T2

T^2, I'm thinkin', thinkin', thinkin'. Why would your beautiful W feel ugly?

I do have some similarities with her (SAHM, homeschool, sons) but I don't know her background.

I'm looking in the mirror these days at my imperfections, realizing I may soon be out in the dating game, if I want to be. It is scary, but that's not where your W is at. But maybe she still looks in the mirror and needs that reassurance, within herself (like she IS attractive and could get other guys if she wants -- but she chooses you .... Different than settling for you, if you know what I mean).

I'm not a particularly pretty girl or ugly girl. More like the girl next door. Rosy cheeked outdoor girl when younger, fun-to-be-with hard worker now I'm older. So I may not turn every guy's head, but they usually enjoy talking with me, so it appears. (and as I get older I notice the basics -- healthy weight, standing up straight, smiling, nice clothes -- can really make you stand out in a crowd regardless of your face). Maybe your W hasn't had to think through these things b/c she is assured of your constant love? Idk.

I seemed to always work in a profession where the overwhelming majority doing the job were men. And I could do the job (mental work) as well as they. So I was able to develop a flirty, not promiscuous mode that worked for me. One of my guy friends said "you can be like a guy if you want to be" -- not offended by them, etc.

So this confidence didn't seem to help me at all in the home arena (making food from scratch, raising kids, gardening, running errands) but I'm glad I have it now, as I may need it. does W have any such background where she may have developed confidence?

Also, thinking about how you have described your sitch between the two of you. It seems she has lost the "tigress" when you are willing to be the tiger. The fun is gone out of it? He!!, I guess there isn't ANY of IT?

She needs somehow to rediscover the joy of the chase. Like the days where you flirt all day...words, some playful touching, grabbing, whatever and both of you are wondering, "is IT going to happen tonight? Can't wait!".

To me that's the kind of thing that keeps the spark alive in long term R's. But if she looks in the mirror and only sees her face staring back, it's not happening for her.

I think this process of my H leaving me has seriously helped me re-evaluate myself as a woman. Your W hasn't had to do that, I don't think. And then there are the crazy hormones. I'm guessing menopause is a few years off for her? Is she doing the best for herself physically to balance the hormones (natural means, I mean)?

So...I don't seem to have any answers. Just sharing what's happened with me and questions about her. It's definitely an internal thing. She has to feel sexy and attractive in herself and that kind of sassiness in a way that can drive a guy wild. That'll make HER feel pretty!

I think that telling her she is pretty is good (H never told me unless I asked) but it's obviously not doing it for her. There has to be that drawing of her heart where she wants you. Wants you bad. That will make her look inside herself and she will draw strength of her feminine qualities.

Idk T, maybe it's happening now and you can't see it internally. Like a plant that grows slowly. You can't make it happen for her but you can feed, water the plant and provide plenty of sunshine. I wish so much she could know what a jewel you are.

I'm not much help. Sorry. But I have noticed in my own sitch (sad as it is and you don't want the same ending for sure) the pursuer/distancer dynamic is super strong. All the times I pined for H this summer and now when I ignore him he can't stay away from me! It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so sad. and

Let me know if I brought up anything worth discussing.

P.S. H killed a dog a couple of summers ago while pulling a loaded trailer over a hill with a truck -- going too fast no doubt. He was already well into MLC and was with oldest son. He got out of the truck and the dog owner's H came out with red face and bulging neck veins and and shook his fist in H's face and screamed at him. It must've been horrible. So glad I wasn't there.

RH, I love, love LOVE reading your perspective of things! You are such a confident woman with inner and outer beauty!

And what guy wouldn't be hot for that?

T, maybe this is a good time to try the peeking in the shower/ raised eyebrows thing? Just sayin'.

I don't know if this sheds any light on what you W is feeling or not...

In retrospect (man, aren't so many things clear in retrospect!) I remember my H started saying negative things about his appearance WAY before bomb. I would always tell him things like "I think you're hot" or "I think you're a good looking guy" (because it was definitely true for me!) and his response would be...

"You have to say that, you're my wife."

So, maybe your W thinks you are attracted to her out of love and devotion, even obligation, but not that animal attraction she may be looking for. Realistically, I think a M has all different kinds of attraction, including the animal kind.

I still think my H is physically attractive. It's the personality that is a BIG turn off right now.

Keep being patient with her, and I'll bet she'll come around. And that my friend IS definitely something worth waiting for

Yes, yes, yes, tvs! I had an afterthought after the above post but didn't know if I should post it. Since you mentioned the shower thing...here goes....

Another thought that was great for me....a gift card from a special store like Victoria Secret? Is it not far enuf along to do that?

When I was younger I was thrilled if a guy bought me something from a store like that but now I'm older, I like to pick my own stuff out. I don't want someone else defining who I am sexually.

H got me a card last year and then was very unhappy with what I bought. ("I gave you a card to V.S. and you bought THAT?")

I know you wouldn't do that, T! Obviously what H had in mind isn't who I was at that time!! But you aren't in MLC so I know you wouldn't be that way. (it's kinda funny now....actually at the time I thought it was funny then it was so ludicrous!!)

If V.S is too personal, maybe another kind of thing to make her feel special...massage certificate? (hopefully a girl to massage) Clothing store? Something where she gets to pick out something special for HER but you show her you are interested in who she thinks she is. Idk. Floundering here or brainstorming. Take it or leave it.

LOL, thanks guys (or should it be "girls"?), you're the best!

Don't know where to start to reply, so I'll just start...

Spending any money on her would not go over well, money is one of her control freak issues and one of our long term M issues, with her upbringing driving her to fear all the time, and my confidence that "I can always work more to get more" butting heads...I am meeting her more than halfway as part of my changes. And she has always been one who liked to pick out her own stuff, and she has a drawer full of stuff that I have never seen on her, just the vidchat/cyber/RL(?) OMs have...so...

I have a pro massage table, and know how to use it...:) the offer is tendered weekly, with no expectations. But refused... idk.

I get the fun and self-esteem boost getting noticed brings, when I was an active musician I got it a lot, but it wasn't something I went out of my way seeking, and if I don't get noticed, I really don't care. I do care if W thinks I'm desirable, and as long as she does then I'm cool with not getting noticed. With her it seems the opposite, and as both of you said, it may be part of her dynamic with mlc, depression, etc.

I'm just trying to find understanding for when/if we start getting back to ML and such.

I will re-read this tomorrow, getting late, thank you rH and TVS!

T^2

T,
Have you given any thought that maybe she feels "ugly" on the inside right now and thinks her outer self is just as ugly?
Until she feels better about herself completely, this may be the word she's using to describe herself. I believe it's mlc related and once she's completed her crisis, she'll think differently.

If you notice her wearing something that really looks good, compliment her, but don't be gushy. I think it's safe to start dropping a few compliments her way.

When you were dating, what did you do to gain her attention? Think about this question long and hard and maybe it's time to start just a little bit of that "dating" back into your life, you know, you started out as friends and worked from there. Time to think about recreating some of that magic. Not a lot of magic, but just enough to get her thinking.

Yes, I have, and she even said as much. She felt like this in high school and young adulthood, and was always the jealous, envious, comparing kind of girl then, way too much into the celebrity world. It would raise it's head at times throughout our R.

I get to see that mode first hand, for example, recently with S girlfriends halloween costume...oh the look on her face, you could see "Oh, you think you're sooo hot" oozing out of her head...yuck, that is when she is might be "ugly", and a lot of her adolescent pictures show that same expression. Must be the mlc re-visiting that time to try to resolve it. idk.

I have been doing the low-key, "friend style" compliments, depending on my read of her mood. And this summer I went a wee bit further, but she said it made her feel bad, thinking she was stoking my sexual frustration, which was partially true, but I know she catastrophized it in her perception.

While dating, I would have flowers sent to the office she worked in, or cookies (I didn't know she had an eating disorder at the time...ooops), things like that. I guess I was highlighting my "provider" abilities. I also shared what I was reading (I am a BIG reader), my music and I made her laugh. The reading and music is still there, though she is not really interested atm, into herself. And we ALL know how mlc'ers have NO sense of humor left for the spouse. Though that does seem to be slowly coming back. I have rediscovered that part of me that got lost, the funny, devious, mischievous, and she has said that she appreciates me trying, and she is sorry she is so difficult.

Anyway, maybe this "attractiveness from spouse less meaningful than from others" thing is along what TVS said about duty/obligation POV...or maybe it's something to put in the "I don't understand it, though I tried, but just accept it as what it is" mystery bucket.

Thanks folks again!

Adolescence is such a difficult and tumultuous time, and if she reverts back to that kind of thinking, it's no wonder she feels insecure.

Think about who would always be positive and give us compliments when we were younger - our parents. Whose opinion did we care less about- our parents! Who does our MLCer see us as? Parents!

I am sensing a theme here...

I'm sure it doesn't hurt to continue to give her friend type compliments. Maybe try giving specific compliments to show you are really paying attention. For example, when my H wears blue, it makes his eyes look ridiculously blue and beautiful. If she has a pair of pants that make her butt look especially good, tell her. Noticing things like perfume, make - up, and even shoes are good too.

It is hard when we care about their opinion, but they care more about others. They are looking for that validation from sources they don't expect it to come from.

Hey, I have one of those mystery buckets too! It keeps getting bigger by the day...

Just the fact that she apologizes for things and says that she appreciates your attempts shows HUGE progress. Keep up the great work!


PS- a quick ?... I think you have stated before that your wife now knows she is in the midst of an MLC. How the heck did that come about?