My husband and I have separated in Sept 2011 for 4 months. That was "my" fault according to him. We didn't get along and he had to leave me. We began trying to reconnect in December. Just before New Year I got the call from the OWH. Long story short they'd been having an affair since March. He came back we did marriage counseling and he left again in April 2012. We tried or at least I tried to save our marraige. We dated each other and spent time together and in June he said he would get rid of her and come back. By the end of June he'd seen her and decided not to come back because he still has unresolved feelings. By the second week of July he had cut me off. I was so hurt and upset and confused. I was then getting myself back together and hardening my heart when he texted me again, and alot saying Hi and complimenting me and trying to keep in touch etc then I made the mistake of pushing to much and we're back to where we started. He said he loves me and is not 100 percent sure he wants to walk away but does spend time with her and does have feelings for her and he refers now to his feelings for me as "had" and "was" like it's over. In my heart I know this is a fog but that does not make it hurt any less. Now at this point I am sure I am going to lose him for good. What steps can I take? I am trying to heal myself but this is so hard. I want him to want to come home but I dont know how to do that.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Explain to him this is how it "feels", that it is just feelings. The question he needs to ask himself is this : "Yes, I am attracted to this new person. But looking back on myself, would I have liked to have left my wife for someone new just because I'm attracted to them?"
This is a good question to ask. People get trapped in the affair and think they can't go back home safely. He also needs to know that what he is doing has a very low rate of success as a primary relation. So they break up the home with a new relationship for nothing, because they are going to end up single and hurting too.
He needs to look at the law of the averages of the position he is in.
Rubysgem, your sitch is somewhat similar to mine, except that my H actually ended the R with the OW. But he did move out once and moved back in too soon. I didn't know it, but he continued emailing and chatting with the OW while I was trying to heal from finding out about his affair. I think the key is "Too soon." You've got to let the R with the OW end before trying to heal your marriage. This affair will end--soon. It's true that they don't last long. So be patient and do the DB techniques: GAL, don't initiate contact, and do 180's so he sees what he's missing. The DB book talks about "The Ultimatum." It's quite scary, but might be the solution. Read about it. Good luck. I know how hard this is.
You made the all-too-common mistake of letting him back in too easily. IF he says he wants to come back to the marriage (and it sounds like he's really just waffling so far), then say "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore." LET HIM WORK AT IT . . . if he is sincere, he will move Heaven and Earth to get you back.
Frankly, he doesn't sound much like a man of character that is worthy of you, but that of course is your decision. In the meantime, GAL, GAL, GAL.
Your sitch is simuliar to mine as well however H has not moved out but does talk about it. He's been having an EA/PA for several months. H says he has ended the PA but continues to communicate with OW via text, phone calls and FB. I recently found out that H & OW had dinner just a few days ago and was spotted by one of my neighbors. No evidence to really support he has ended the PA. (Believe 0% of what you hear and 50% of what you see). It's extremely tough and I've fallen off the wagon a couple times but I get back up and resume DB. Since I've been GAL and distancing myself, ((I)) feel much better about me. I want my H to stop communicating completely w/OW but I cannot control what he does but I can control me so I decided to do a few 180's and not ask about his R w/OW or our M, no more questions about his whereabouts, avoid calling and texting, not wear my emotions on my sleeve, not offer advice or suggestions on ending R w/OW or anything else (motherly syndrome), no more snooping (not healthy for me and doesn't change anything) I'm not so available to ML and I keep my pocketbook closed. Sometimes it's hard and I feel malnipulated when he's nice just to get what he wants such as an invoice drafted, bill paid or clarity on a job bid. This behavior makes me feel used and I do not want to be seen as his business partner but his W. Hopefully with me backing off, he will get an assistant to help with the secretarial aspects of his business. I can focus on me and at some point he will see some old and new qualities in me that he loves and not as the the care taker.
Thanks everyone. I cried all weekend long. At some point the tears dried up and I decided I can't do this with him. I told him I will not be any part of his life as long as she is. I told him I will not compete with her. I said this has gone on too long now and he spends nights at her house and this is so degrading and disrespectful he may as well pee on our marriage certificate now. I told him he is always lighting me and giving me false hope then blowing me out and crushing my heart. I said I don't know what I will do but I need for him to just leave me alone now. He texted back that he is staying with his mom now (wow, first actual admission he lived with OW b/c he denied denied denied) and will give me a few days. I said while he was giving me space I wanted him to figure out how to answer a few quesions I have: 1) why tell me you love/miss/think of me? What am I supposed to do with that if you want to stay with OW? 2) Why did he continue to reach out to me when I clearly told him I was in a better place and if all he was going to do was the same thing he's been doing then just leave me alone? 3) why he can't just choose her and move on with his life and let me live mine? I said to please answer these with more than an "I don't know" and when we do finally talk (I am NOT ready to do so and may not be for a few weeks tho he figures a few days) I do not want a single mention of his "new relationship" this is about me and him not her. That if at any point he references her or their relationship the conversation is over and I am hanging up. I have been silent for days. He texted: how r u... I said... I will be fine but I can't do this right now. Please honor my request for space and time. I will contact you. Do not contact me until you hear from me first.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
An interesting thing happened over Labor Day weekend. He left her. He said he was going back to his wife. Of course I did not believe a word he told me. I've been listening to his crazy talk for so long I stopped thinking he cared what was truth or not or who he hurt and it was all about him.
I was done. I left several voicemail messages that weekend. I told him how done I was. And since I actually WAS done it probably came across in my tone. I don't even know for sure all I said but I do know I meant every word of it. I know I said I didn't want to ever hear from him. I know I said I would be filing for divorce as soon as I had the money for an attorney. I know I wished him well in his new life and that I meant it sincerely. I also said I had to cut him off totally because it was just too painful for me. I know I said I did not feel the same about him anymore and he was no longer the man I married and I was said it was over... I was ready to walk away for good now. And I did. For a few weeks.
Then he began contacting me. I refused to answer. I didn't want to hear it. All lies is what I thought (maybe I still think that in a way). He told me he left her. I was skeptical. He said he wasn't dating her anymore and he moved back to his mothers. I was skeptical. I am still skeptical. This has gone on so long and just kept getting worse and worse and he kept justifying his selfishness and making it like oh well had we worked out I wouldn't have met her but I did and I have feelings now so take care of yourself, wait for me and I don't want a divorce. Something in me snapped. Like that "done" point just came crashing to me and I meant it all. I was (might still be) done.
Since then he gave me a birthday gift. A diamond heart pendant. A far cry from the cheap anniversary gift he gave me a couple of months earlier. For our anniversary he left me one of those plastic (but crystal "looking") angels you see in Hallmark next to the register that are about $5 and a bouquet of carnations. CARNATIONS. He spent LESS than $20 total and I was supposed to be so grateful lmao... NOT. Oh and since he still had keys (I took then back AND changed the locks after this) he just left them for me. This time he was nervous. Fidgety. Got me diamonds!
He invited me to a weekend upstate to see if we can reconnect. He calls every day several times. He goes out of his way to let me know everything he's doing. He even tries to make me feel less threatened by what he did and tries to convince me he won't do that. That he's being sincere. That he is not playing games anymore and is not doing anything shady. He tells me the truth. And I've been able to confirm it. Much to the OW's chagrin I suppose...
I went to a wake and came face to face with her. LITERALLY. Shes disgusting. In everyway. Such trash. A definite downgrade from me... She did not approach me but watched me. Creepy, no? A mutual friend (did not know will have to rethink that friendship now) told me that WS broke up with OW. That he said he was going back to his wife. BUT that she was done with him anyway. He was getting on her nerves and did not want him anymore. LMFAO. I know that was a lie to save her pride. She was glorious when he left me. She was elated when he moved in with her. She thought she won. She told everyone how she "stole" my husband... NOT. lololol... I even told that mutual "friend" that I told WS that the OW can have him now. And I found out that weekend I left all the messages? That was when he left her. So she called him the night of the wake to say she saw me there and I was talking to her friends as well as several men. HA HAHA... why do you care who I am talking to if you don't want him anymore? And then the next day she called him as well. HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT. I bet she didn't count on that. I bet she thinks he still lies and hides her. I told him... if he talks to her I don't want to try with him. That (he is a recovering alcoholic so this analogy was great)I told him that to keep in touch with her is begging for a problem and I will NOT put up with it. I said I TOLD you that I will have NO part of you if you keep in touch with her. He was confused. But we don't see each other, I don't understand... I said she can't be in your life PERIOD. I said it's like having an open beer in front of you every single day and telling yourself you will never drink it. Eventually... you are going to drink it. I think he got that. He hasn't said he cut her off (we are not reconciled yet so I have not given him my conditions to return yet) but he does tell me he is not hiding things or playing games and has told me those 2 phone calls from her... so I am hopeful he woke up... but still skeptical.
He is not being affectionate with me. RED FLAG. He is not being intimate in anyway. RED FLAG. Yesterday I mentioned I noticed that. He told me not to feel bad about it and he hoped I didn't think it means anything b/c he just wants to go slow. That until we know what we want to do (and not sure if we are waiting for me or him - I did say I no longer love him like I once did because of all this) he wants to go slow. Not sure what I think honestly. I am still trying to figure out what changed. In just 48 hrs he went from "I have undeniable feelings for OW and want to see how that goes before I see if we can fix things... to... I left her, I will not ever be going back... )... do WS just wake up from the fog? Could something I said have slapped him hard enough to realize this was not a game and I was not going to wait while he did this to me... Can other WS that have reformed tell me what it took to wake you up? And what I should look for to be sure he's sincere?
There's more... but I will wait for responses as I am sure things will be pointed out to me or questions asked of me... I am still stunned... not sure what to make of any of this...
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
I want to believe him. Another site has told me I have to go dark and do plan B. I am not sure I want to end my marriage. If I do that now, we are ending it.
I wanted advice on how to save this from here. Did not expect to be told to cut him off completely.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Keep on the filing path for D. Keep on being tough with the love.
Do not let him back.
If he says he wants to come back and work on it. Say that you will have to think about that based on prior actions and that you are still moving forward with the divorce.
If he then says I will do what it takes....
Then think this over....
Lay out your boundaries and conditions that he will have to do to work his way back into the marriage.
(Tranparency,No Contact, MC with a pro mc who deals with adultery, expectations, post nup ... what ever you need here )
Do not state it on this conversation. This happens when his actions match his words and they are consistent over a length of time.
Remind him here that you are still moving forward with the D.
End the conversation.
Then you need to really think this over. Without any contact with him. Or dark and plan b as per hartley or SI.
The goal of this conversation is for him to realize that his actions are actually ruining the marriage. That he does not have the ability to choose you as an option.
This is one of those moments where you can teach him how to treat you. What is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
He is either going to learn the lesson and choose to treat you with respect and as a husband should treat a wife.
Or
He is going to continue treating you with disrespect and ignore your boundaries.
That is his choice. But in no shape or form should it alter your boundaries and what is acceptable in your life.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Agree with Chatter. This man has lied to you -- repeatedly -- and should not be let back in easily.
If you can afford it, I'd suggest hiring a private investigator to confirm whether or not he's really ended it. Because if he HASN'T, that makes your path clear. And even if he HAS, you should follow Chatter's advice above and GO SLOWLY. I usually suggest living apart and dating each other exclusively for a period of 6 months or so. You'll soon find out whether or not he is sincere in wanting back into the marriage.
Remember, the words "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore." They are your friends.
