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Awww. I can picture this....

Sigh... I need someone to take care of me for a change...
ME TOO!!

you're moving forward. time. give it time.

For a while, my W pretty much limited anything that she felt created a connection because she wanted distance, and she said some "clarity" to think thru things. Once in a while we'd ML and then I'd hear the "don't want to give you false hope" routine. To work around that, I pretty much started referring to ML as "meaningless sex" so that there wouldn't be that guilt factor for her (and it still creates a connection, regardless what the other party thinks). I'd have to go back and read thru my old threads to really get a sense of how long this went on, but I'd say 5-6 months minimum. Really, to some extent, it was limited ever since 1st BD, which was about 18 months ago, so probably 15 months...

Since W moved back in (almost 3 months ago), we ML often and as good as things seem most of the time, there is still some limiting going on. We're gradually kissing more, but we still rarely say ILU. I've got a short list of things I consider baby steps towards more intimacy and some have started happening and I'm still waiting on others. The walls come down very slowly....

So I guess the short answer is...a long time, but baby steps along the way and some ups and downs.

Rough night and morning. No reason really, but i'm definitely hormonal and at certain times of the month I get super fragile and feel like you could knock me over with a feather. Last month at this time was our last big fight, when we ended up ML after.

Yesterday H told me he might have plans with his best friend tonight. I said I'd like to see him since I hadn't seen him in a long time. H said he wasn't sure what the plan was, so paranoid me, I assumed that he was lying and covering up a plan to go out w POW. I did verify by looking at his phone (bad idea), but just enough to see a text from his friend saying "Friday night". So I know he's not lying.

But then I felt so anxious that I had to take half a Xanax. And then I felt loopy. And then I fell fast asleep. I wasn't feeling very well and laid down with a heating pad and seriously crashed. H said, so unlovingly, if you are going to sack out, go in the den. I couldn't even move I was so tired.

Finally I woke up and rubbed H's back for a while and then went to bed. But I had a hard time waking up today. I was supposed to be at school early today to help set up for something, and of course it was already done when I got there.

Just feeling extra bereft today - I do have a big problem w H withholding affection, and it affects me much more around this time of the month. This is how I get into these situations with OM... I so want to break the cycle...

That's great that you see the pattern, and make the effort to break it. I think that's key.

I go thru the roller coaster regularly myself. Even though there seems to be no negative movement with my M, sometimes I just get hypersensitive or impatient. I just try to recognize it and think thru it. A lot of it leads back to my wanting to control things and when I see that, it's easier to get back to my normal self.

Hang in there...have some fun this weekend.

Well, today went fine. I notified my H that I was feeling extra sensitive due to my hormones and he said he hadn't noticed, but thanks for the heads up. Probably he hadn't noticed because he's not all that interested.

I had an interesting conversation with a different woman at school. This woman is D and she makes it a point to tell anyone considering a D to WAIT. She was actually married to a fairly well known celebrity but rushed into a D thinking she was just done. And one day, she woke up and realized that SHE needed to change. So she went to Al-Anon (even though there weren't alcohol problems in her R) to get the support she needed.

She gave this spiel to my H just after I moved back - Labor Day weekend - and of course, now we know that he ignored her and called his lawyer one week later. She did say that she felt like he was very strongly attached to his own narrative about what had happened, but she also felt that he did want to stay together in his heart - it would just have to be on his terms. She told me that she asked him how he might have contributed to the situation that led to me betraying him, and the way that he answered her made her think that he hadn't even considered that before.

This is kind of shocking and kind of not. It's shocking in that he is so attached to his story that he thinks he couldn't possibly have done anything wrong, and shocking that no one else bothered to point that out to him. On the other hand, he chooses a cohort that is not going to challenge him and tell him that he had a part in it. And of course, I haven't seen any evidence that he takes even a shred of responsibility.

Anyway - the rest of the day proceeded normally - I made a really wonderful clam chowder for dinner and H said he liked it, but then at 8 pm he trotted out the door to meet up with his friend, without lifting a finger to clean up from dinner. I know for 99% sure he was meeting up with this friend, or else he had a fairly elaborate decoy plan in place - the friend called just before 8 and I spoke to him. So I have to believe that was the plan. This friend of his and I have always liked each other a lot (and his wife has kindly reached out to me) so this was a little difficult, but I managed.

However ---- after H left and I went back downstairs, I was pretty annoyed that he'd left all the dishes. He did say he'd wash them tomorrow, but he hadn't even cleared the table, and as you all know I can't stand dishes around. PLUS - I was in the middle of making a cake for someone and couldn't exactly work around the pile of dishes.

So I decided to call H on the phone - and I said, "You know, it just wasn't cool of you to leave without washing the dishes." I was very calm, not angry, not b!tchy. He said that "he didn't feel like getting all sweaty" and "he didn't feel like leaving later than he already was" blah blah. For my part, I was glad having said my piece to him. I'm still a little resentful but not as much as I would have been if I hadn't said anything. I'm not sure why he thinks it's appropriate to just go out and leave a huge mess, and in our new M, I'm going to be brave and call him on his BS.

Realized something very important this morning.

As I was taking my shower, I realized that the sadness and emptiness that I've been feeling lately aren't unfamiliar. I realized that my H has been putting up emotional walls and shutting me out for a long time, and this is directly why OM1 and OM2 happened. Because I have a need for emotional love and connection that was not (and is not) being met, and I chose the wrong way to get the need fulfilled.

The feelings of loneliness and emptiness can be so overwhelming. I don't always feel the pain so acutely but I realized the holes have always been there and the level or the depth just varies over time.

H's argument is that he did this and that for me, loving acts of generosity and kindness, so there was no need for me to look outside the marriage. I should have been completely fulfilled. My response is metaphorical: you could feed someone fruit and vegetables all the time, and fruit and vegetables would be healthy nutritious food, but without protein, you are still malnourished.

I came to the conclusion that H's walls are probably a direct result of his mother's abandonment, which he's never dealt with as far as I am aware. Until he resolves that, he will never be able to fully love me or any other person. And if he can't give me the emotional support that I'm so desperate for, I won't be able to stay in the marriage. Even if I did, we all know it would only be paving the way for OM3 to make his way in.

That is the dealbreaker for me, and that is what we have to work together on in MC if we ever get there.

I would rather be financially bankrupt and divorced than emotionally bankrupt and stuck in an unhappy marriage.

I think that is a huge revelation LA. I'm afraid that your H is never going to realize that he needs to work on himself under the current circumstances.

Agree. I don't know if he'll get there on his own, if at all. I'm not seeing a lot of personal growth progress in him, quite frankly. He still hasn't openly acknowledged his role in any of this.

However - he said a couple of things today that were kind of encouraging:

Some friends came over to pick up S6 for a sleepover. H said we'd have to have them over for dinner soon - so now I guess we're entertaining as a family again.

Secondly, we started to discuss a project for one of our rooms. We didn't get very far on the discussion because we just can't agree on it, but he did say it was pointless to talk about right now because we wouldn't be doing it for at least a year. At least he didn't say it was pointless to talk about because we would be D in a year. I see that as improvement!

Next week we both got invited to a friend's birthday party. She invited me first, but checked with my H to see if he would want to go as well. (she's great and I think she is a wonderful model of how to 'stay classy' when friends are going through tough times). She knew I wouldn't mind if he were invited too. Ball is in his court I guess.

This woman also said something encouraging to me. She said to look at as a relationship as a living entity that is always expanding and contracting. So, hooray when you have some positives (an expansion), but a contraction may naturally follow just because that is the natural order of things. Of course she is right about that. She said thinking about it this way instead of as a roller coaster is a lot more gentle!

Still no update on the birthday plans. He has not committed to any of his 3 choices for the evening - eat at home as a family, eat out as a family, eat out as a couple.

Also I'm happy tonight because I finally came up with a reasonable debt reduction plan. I did this all on my own.

H's response was that he didn't trust it (one piece involves him becoming a joint cardholder on one of my cards so we can transfer joint debt to it) and it was also to say "Okay" when I told him, "You know, you could say 'thank you' for all of the work I've done on this."

I'm still happy even though he's an a$$.