Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Am I in the right Forum?

Of course - another approach is to make plans to go away for the next week when he gets back. Tell him you just need to "get away and have to do this". Leave him totally in the dark about where you're going and with whom. Or let him know you're going to Cancun or some such exotic locale.

Don't take his calls while you;re gone. Let him worry about whether you're doing anything with another man while you're gone (you don't have to say anything, it'll be on his mind). Get massages and drink Mai Tais by the pool and read trashy novels. What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose, hey?

Yep, he went. He's acting like a child and does need consequences. I know that I need to do something but the fear of having him walk away is devastating. You're right in every way. I have been watching the finances very closely. If I see excessive spending I will definitely take action! Not taking his calls will be easy and after today's conversation with him I am very seriously considering it. As to putting his things on the porch, I don't think I can do that at least not at this point. Maybe by the end of the week I'll feel differently!

kml...I like it! I actually thought of being gone when he came home. I have been checking out a few destinations that would be good for ME! I did an all day trip away from here the day after he told me about the trip and he was interested to know where I went so you are right, it did make him wonder. Do what works in action!

Thanks for the suggestions, I appreciate the "do something different" ideas.

Nip it in the bud. Lay down your boundaries.

As for kicking a cheating spouse out of the house, can you legally force them to leave if they refuse, if they are co-owners? It seems to me you probably can't, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't still try in certain situations.

FY, Being new to this and having never been in this situation I don't know about kicking out a co-owner but it would be worth a try. I have to get my head around that but it would certainly grab his attention, wouldn't it?

The boundry part is what I can't figure out. How to DB and lay down the boundries. Wouldn't that give him even more reason to run to her? I was hoping that he'd come home and tell me that he's been a fool and that apologize. Wishful thinking, yes.

Are you still married? Is your W still around?

Just checking. I posted 2 replies and haven't seen them appear....hmmmm, what's up?

Then this is what you should do IMHO.

Go on your own journey that doesn't include him. Continue to make yourself look and feel good especially when he's around and build yourself up mentally, physically and spiritually.

Every now and then, ask for his "help", then thank him for it and compliment him on it. Then go on your way. Strong and definitive that's what you need to do.

Thanks to all of you. I've been posting responses to you all and nothing has appeared here so I'll try it again

Fy Without a legal document I suspect it wouldn't be legal to throw him out but I'm willing to try just about anything at this point.

kml Finding his stuff on the doorstep would definitely get his attention. I have been thinking about what you said and leaving on a vacation of my own whether it's before or after he returns is a great idea. I've already checked out a few places that I would like to go. I think I could dig out a few trashy romance novels, a bag of junk food and a few trashy movies to take along!

I did say almost those very words to him....every action has a reaction and he stared at me with that deer in the headlights look as he processed it.

MrB You and I think along the same lines. Right after he told me about going on his journey of discovery, I started dressing just slightly different, wearing things that made ME feel good (yes, he noticed and commented). I have always felt it was important to dress well and look good even if you're just going out to the run errands. I do need a lot of work on the mental piece. This has thrown me into a downward spiral mentally. Spiritually all is well and I've made even more time for myself in that regard.

Neither of us have become complacent and have great respect one another. Of course once in awhile all bets are off and we have an argument that we'd like to forget. As hard as it will be I will on occasion ask for help. Men like to be needed, right? I get that and am happy to bite my tongue while I ask....and then thank him of course. LOL

Hi, sorry this is happening, whether or not it is a 'true' MLC. I would definitely google and read Frank Pittman's article 'Beyond Detrayal. Life after infidielity'. It is a wise article written by a MC who is anti-infidelity. And it might help you to understand what is going on.

MLC can hit any time, and my h was over 55 when he went into MLC. We had been married over thirty years. If it is a total MLC you will see a complete change of behaviour/personality, either slowly or overnight. It is as if a dam breaks At some point he will alomost certainly say 'I love you but I am not in love with you' Known as 'The Speech'. And will proceed to do a string of things you never thought possible.

So I would read the Frank Pittman article, live your own life, and play a waiting game. I really wouldn't kick him out, nor would I 'punish' him.

Do you want to save your marriage? - a lot easier if it sn't MLC. Some hard questions, but as Pittman is very clear, infidelity is never the way to solve any problem within a marriage.

Be nice to yourself. I would go on a bit of a spree, and make sure you look great when he does get home.

This may be an unpleasant blip, that you can work through, or the prelude to a full MLC, but if it is a MLC you cannot stop it. The causes lie deep within chldhood.

Notliking this....

Well I can appreciate his SEMI honesty but......

I agree with KML and Mr. Bond. Stand firm now, and kick his ass back to reality!

I am so sorry that you're going through this. But that's why we're all here on this board, we're going through something with our spouses and are here to stand in your corner and support you.

I agree that you need to secure some funds now if you can. It's quite the norm that and MLCer will wipe out insane amounts of money and not blink an eye doing it. Been there done that.

It sounds as if you two do have a solid relationship and good communication. If he sees you as the "rock" and he's a high energy kind of person, and you usually always come to decisions together, IMO I would think he figures as long as your ok with his idea for this flight of fancy, then it really is ok.

NOW given with some people it is! But if it's not, then don't stand for that crap. Geez Im even a little baffled at his behavior because I get the idea he's quite a stable person.

But that's the thing about MLC. It hits and a stable person becomes very unstable. An unstable person becomes practically insane. Big personality changes.

Good luck!