Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis How do we live "together separate"?

Lisa,

I guess its not a "bad" sign. He seems quasi aware that there MIGHT be more going on for him than just me being the root of all evil. But he's not convinced of that possibility lol.

He had me look in his email yesterday... really wish he wouldn't do that. I am a snooper, but I had been being GOOD. But you know, if you TELL ME TO GET IN YOUR EMAIL, well I'll GET IN YOUR EMAIL.

The only reference I found to our M was a couple of lines to a friend of his who he had previously told "Jen and I are done" (I know this because of more snooping...) the friend asked for an update and H's response was "our marriage is in flux. Who knows what will happen?"

Last night when I read that it made me mad. This morning it kind of makes me shrug. Because I guess he's right, nobody does know what will happen...

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that he wants to continue acting like everything is status quo. I haven't found another sitch quite like that on DB so far. I know projection is not the way to approach and MLCer, but I can't fathom telling someone you don't love them and don't want a future with them, and don't even really like them, and then wanting to ML.... truly mind boggling.

But enough about him. I'm trying to limit how much time I spend pondering the imponderable H. I have a job interview today! A job will be a HUGE step in GAL, so fingers crossed for that.

Found this on FB. It spoke to me.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
- Romans 12:15-18 (TNIV)

Good luck with that interview!

That's one of the verses I've been pondering, too.

Thanks for the good wishes Agnes! I just caught up with your thread - the new name threw me at first.

My S19 has started to ask questions in the last couple of days. Recurring theme of (with H out of town now) "So has Dad told you he loves you and misses you?" The first few times I tried to evade the question, but that child is relentless. And seems clued in that "somethings" up. So finally today I said to him that his dad didn't say those words because either he doesn't feel them or just can't say them. I kept the tone light and S19 didn't have any other comments.

Sigh. So hard to know the right thing to say to the kids.

Thanks again for stopping by!

No contact from H since an email yesterday. In the email I think he lied to me. He said that his son was in X city and that H might stop "on the way home" to see that son. According to FB the son is NOT in X city, an hour away, but is in Y city 6 hours away (as in the opposite direction, adding 12 hours driving time). It is possible H did not see son's update on locale. My only response to the email was "OK. Thanks for letting me know."

H did not give me a phone number where he is now (he doesn't have a cell). So, I can't call him to let him know D18 didn't come home last night. Hopefully she will surface in one piece and I won't HAVE TO EMAIL H SOME SORT OF BAD NEWS. Rather, strike that, extremely annoyed at the carelessness? irresponsibility? disregard? of a parent who goes out of town (roughly 600 miles out of town) and does not give contact info.

And the ever present chest pressure increases....

I'm sorry. I hope you D turns up soon.

Thanks Lisa. Me too. She is my problem child. She had been doing so much better... hope this is just an "I forgot to call"

Daughter has surfaced. Received a text with an "I'm sorry I forgot..."

So in reading other posts yesterday I came across references to 5 Love Languages. I googled and went to the 5 Love Languages site where I took the test. I scored

Quality Time 10
Physical Touch 9
Words of Affirmation 8
Acts of Service 3
Receiving Gifts 0

But the test itself, the questions, were more revealing to me than the results. Do husbands actually do these things? Do they give "sweet notes" and hugs? Do they wash their wives' cars and do laundry? To me the questions were like some fairy tale scenario.

In my first post I "graded" our M as a C+ or a B. But if there are Hs out there who do these things, well I was wrong. Maybe he hasn't loved me ever? Have I been that stupid? For 20 years? Before the bomb I felt sure there was love but thought he was just a bad expresser.

That's what made the bomb so gut wrenching to me. Because I had worked so hard, for so very long - H is not an easy man to live with. But see it was all worthwhile, I thought, because "he loved me" and I loved him. A lot of the MLC behaviors have been status quo for YEARS with him - the distance, the moodiness, the coldness. But why? Why would he stay with me for 20 years if he didn't love me? Does that make sense? Wow, the more I "learn" the more confused I am.

Mrsrjd,

I could have asked that same question myself...

My X, did that stuff at first on his own. At first, in the very beginning of our R. Then it stopped. I think, in part, because I stayed home so things like laundry and stuff was done by me. Unless I asked for help. I also think a part of it was modeled after the R he saw growing up which was that of his grandparents and that was a different generation, a different way of thinking. More Archie Bunker style.

What I have learned is that there are men out there who do that stuff. Or similar stuff. My BF is one of those men. I came home from being away for a week to find new tires on my truck. Coffee gets started (I'm the only one who drinks it) several mornings a week. Hugs are abundunt in our house.



I would probably agree with this statement. My X, loved me. In his way. He was just not able to express that love easily and figured that I "knew". He married me right?

Do your best not to get caught in this "he loved me/he loved me not" trap.

Your M was what it was. Can it be different and better in the future?

It is possible.

We do the best with the tools we had at the time. When we learn new tools, we do better.

Or you may go on and look for that "fairy tale" sort of love that does exist.

You never know.

I am curious, how did you express your love to your H?