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Could we have a vet weigh in please?

I just can't stop. I talked to her again tonight and she got real mad. I asked her how long she thought this would go on and she went nuts. I just have to stop talking to her. She seems irrational to me, do you think she might be having a mlc?

Regarding you going out and leaving her alone, you were an @$$ plain and simple.

"I just can't stop."

Which is why you're going to D.

"I talked to her again tonight and she got real mad."

I would too.

"I asked her how long she thought this would go on and she went nuts."

YOu keep talking as if this is something that she's just going to "snap out of". She's not going to. In fact, after reading your posts, it's totally understandable why she's leaving you. In fact, she details it quite specifically and you just don't get it. You hear but you don't LISTEN.

Like the other night when you up and left. You thought you were being clever by leaving, but she saw you as an @$$ for just up and leaving her and the kids alone with the puppy. It's no wonder she feels abandoned by you.

In fact, you made some comment about how she's "looking for young men" while you were driving. That's just your hurt feelings talking. It's immature and childish.

"She seems irrational to me, do you think she might be having a mlc?"

No she's doing what she's doing because you act like an @$$ and continue to do so. This is not a decision that she suddenly came up with. She did so after careful consideration.

Did you really read DR? If you did, then you know it's all about consistent change. YOu have to change your behavior and keep it constant in order for her to even remotely think about going back to you.

All I see here is you constantly blaming her for things without taking any responsibility. You will argue that you have, but if you did, you would stop acting badly and start acting the way you should be.

Thanks for that Bond, I'm really struggling with how to act while I'm living at home and trying to DB, mostly the balance between detachment and friendship. Your right, I've made a lot of mistakes. I'll try harder and Ill read the DB book again.

Well I guess you can see now that this didn't work. GAL isn't about just walking out on your family on a whim. There's nothing wrong with being a little mysterious, but you still have to respect your W and tell her if you're making plans to go out. Give her a few days notice next time. If she asks you where you're going just say "out with some friends", be a little vague. But don't just walk out the door again with no notice.



Wrong reaction. You need to validate her emotions. A better response would have been "you sound frustrated, I'm sorry you feel that way, I thought you might like the space but I see now that this upset you and I won't do it again without letting you know in advance. Would that be better?" Instead you placed blame on her. She no doubt read this as "more of the same" behavior.



That sounds like mind-reading. Mind-reading leads to assumptions and bitterness.



Detachment is not tough love, and it's not a game. You have to LOVINGLY detach. That means do NOT be cold and indifferent as it sounds like you have been. It simply means pulling back, giving your W time and space to think, dropping your expectations, but being available if she wants to talk. And if/ when she wants to talk, then you be a fantastic listener. Make eye contact, nod, lean forward, validate her emotions. From one of Michele's books:

-- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life.
-- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty.
-- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them.


Ask yourself if you're being compassionate towards your wife in your detachment.

Thank you AnotherStander! Your advice is well taken! I will try again, but this time with more love and compassion. I think I'm getting confused by all of the advice I've been getting from my friends and I really need to concentrate on my core feelings. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up with what people tell you based on their experience, which is valid for them, but not for your particular sitch. Also, it's Very challenging to be compassionate with a waw who consistently undermines you by telling you she wants a D or S. I guess thats where detaching is helpful.

"I think I'm getting confused by all of the advice I've been getting from my friends"

Friends are great. But they have nothing invested in your M. They don't understand as much as we have because they've never been through this.

"and I really need to concentrate on my core feelings."

IMHO, this is wrong. It's what's gotten you in trouble in the first place. Follow the DB rules and give your W space.

Thanks Bond, I will read DB again and do my best to follow the rules , back on the horse again. : )

You're quite welcome It's great that you have a network of friends you can fall back on and you should absolutely do so, it's part of GAL. But as MrBond said, their advice often doesn't align with DB and frequently doesn't align with saving the M either. What I do is concentrate on DB'ing and when friends give me contradictory advice I listen to them and show appreciation, but I dismiss it. I think I'm on my 4th read through DR, if you keep reading it over and over it's a lot easier to discern good advice from bad.

Also as MrBond said, try not to let your feelings get in the way of things. This is hard to do, but you need to look at DBing from a more logical/ pragmatic view. IE, when a situation comes up with your W you need to set your emotions aside and logically process the appropriate response. An example might be this:



The emotional side of you no doubt wants to beg/ plead/ negotiate. Our natural reaction is to say "but that's not what I want!!! Can't you see it'll wreck our family, our finances, everything we've worked so hard for???" But through DB'ing we know this is the opposite of what we should do and will just drive the spouse farther away. So we have to set emotions aside, put the brain into gear and think through the proper DB response, which would be something like "you sound frustrated, is that how you feel? I can understand why you would feel that way. I want you to be happy and if you feel separation will bring you happiness then I support your decision." This indicates to her that you're on her side. You remove the conflict from the situation. Most WAS's feel caged in and if you throw the cage door open then suddenly they're not so sure they want to leave after all. Often they still do, but sometimes separation is what they need to truly get the space and time they want to process their emotions. It's much better to separate on amicable terms like this then it is to constantly argue about it and come home to find her gone one day.

If I were to tell her I support a separation, would it be better for me to leave( if she agreed to not hold abandonment against me in a divorce), or should I tell her I support a separation if she leaves, knowing she will take the kids). I believe that if she does leave, she will file for divorce at that time.