Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Staying off the ride 2 - Leaning Back

I'm not sure if that means that, on balance, I can carry on telling you how I see it or whether I should be more sensitive. I'm not being helpful if you feel it isn't helpful so you need to let me know and I can definitely back off with my direct advice and be supportive in a more gentle way!



You do need to book your car in for an MOT if it expires in 10 days. It really is pretty straightforward though. Find a garage close to you that does MOTs and book your car in. You can look for a garage online or use the one that your H has been using. The garage can talk you through it and set the whole thing up online (if your H hasn't done that already). If I can sort out my MOT, so can you. By the way, I'm not from the UK either and I think you're Canadian as well (extrapolating from CG).



I can understand you being curious about him but I don't think you want him to know that. I bet that he knows that about you and it makes him feel very safe.



"Glad you're safe" sounds good too--friendly with no '"hooks".




I'm really sorry to hear that that is what you think. If he is fine with it then I don't see how you're going to force it. That sounds like a painful place to be in. ((((Tumbling))))



Paradoxically, that attitude of yours (not phrased that way to him!) is more likely to get him to step up to the plate. Then again, he may be fine with no contact too. I don't know but at the moment, it feels as if the sitch needs shaking up. Maybe you need to take the risk of losing what you have to see if there is any hope of a future R. Maybe it will take time. In the meantime, I don't think that contact about MOTs is going to advance things. It's just more of the same.

Would you sorting out your own car's MOT be a big 180 for you? Seriously, you sound like a very intelligent and capable woman and it really isn't a difficult or confusing thing to do. Now that may get his attention!



You do need to sort yours out though and let him do his own.

I really hope I don't sound harsh, Tumbling. I do honestly hope that someone would tell me if they could see things about me that I was possibly not seeing myself. I just want to reiterate that I may be wrong about your sitch so take all my advice with a grain of salt. You and others may disagree with me and may see your sitch completely differently. I would be happy to be put in my place.

Have a good rest of you weekend, Tumbling. Hang in there.

Great posts to Tumbling. Earlier, I said he would call bc he will be curious if you don't reply to his texts. Here is the deal: he's comfortable with texting. You always reply, so it's working for him. If you stop replying, he will get the message that this is not the only way you want to communicate. You don't have to not reply to ALL texts, but to some, at least. If he asks, you can say you were busy and if he needs to reach you, it's better if he calls you.

I know how much you want things to advance. You must continue being patient, but I do agree it might be time to shake things up a bit. I went for a short hike earlier today and thought about you and your sitch. And I actually give you guys a good chance to save your M. Your H just needs to realize you won't be there forever.

Thanks MKB23 for commenting

You're right we DON'T know - we have to think like stockbrokers
"Past performance is no guarantee of future return, shares can go up as well as down" sort of thing.

AND

Your H is right too "You never give me a chance"
I haven't in the past. That's why I want to be different this time. It's the only way things will find a balance in our relationship. I'm just finding it hard to remain leaned back (responsive rather than leading)

Sometimes I could say "you know what H? I haven't spent any time with you since early June and I am fine. Yes, I miss your company, yes I wanted our marriage to go the distance but I am fine without you in my life."

He messed up
- booking that trip mid May for USA sailing in Aug and didn't tell me til early Jul
- not turning up on our anniversary (mid Jul) to go away for a long w/e that had been pre-paid
- coming over before USA trip saying he wanted to come home and then on return not contacting me early Sep

Every one of those actions pushed me further away from wanting to save my marriage. The no-show really did it for me so that I was less receptive to reconciling when he came over but I fell into a virtual relationship while he was away and then his no contact on return blew me away. I'm a person not an option.

I don't know why I wrote all that down but it helped to.
I need to be really careful around him because I'll get on that boo-hoo ride if I'm not.
That's the major reason why I can't lead and I have to keep that in mind. If he wants US, he has to demonstrate that is what he wants.

Thanks too for 180 test.
No initiating for 7 days.
I can do this!

The only doubt I have is that he will think I don't care anymore
but that's based on what I think when I don't hear from him.
But looking at that - creating a feeling of insecurity in him is what we're looking for isn't it? And knowing I am fine - nothing changes in me whether he text or not - will help me stay the course.

Thanks again

You're best being direct and straight with me. That's how I am - a big chunk thinker apparently - I don't need detail I want the overview and bottomline!


That's what I thought so I phoned a garage yesterday morning and it's being done Friday. What a big girl! He won't be surprised. It was more a "investigative" text than I can't do it one


No, I'm from the Channel Islands but I wish I was Canadian!
I went to Canada for 3mth/yr for 7 years - different coasts - to sit in rigid hull zodiacs and small dinghies next to 100ft whales and smaller ones. I feel most my Self there and have exciting adventures that just don't seem to happen in the UK.

Last year - when I returned for first time in 11yrs - I said to folks in Victoria "I must have done something pretty awful in a past life to have been born the other side of the world"

I did my marine MSc at 29 to hopefully get paid to sit next to whales and emigrate but during the MSc I met H...

that's my obj with each text from now on and no more detective work.
There have been no morning/night texts since Thurs
Not long but, how interesting?

Yes, it's a horrible place
But we also must remember that after a long silence we were texting for 8 days and then spoke. The past 16 days he has been away on business w limited coms so all we had was texts.

I just sat for a moment and thought about how H interacts with his friends. He doesn't. They contact him and suggest getting together. In the end, some stop calling and he lets them go. He also takes a long time to let someone "in". Doesn't trust people easily. I'm not going to speculate on where that came from, I just need to keep in mind that he's a reactor rather than a actor. So picking up the ball may take some time. I just don't want to be "let go" but if that's what he wants then that's how it goes. Thinking about it tho, he hasn't let me go in the past two years...when there's NC, he initiates.



It will need shaking up but not right now.
I'm giving him til Nov 1 then I will rethink.
For now it's no initiating, no detecting, no texts w hooks

I feel uncomfortable not sending "night,night" texts as I started that, he does morning ones but what's the point of that altho it says the door's ajar.

So a question.
If he texts "good morning Tumbling nickname"
Shld I reply "good morning. how are you doing?"
as a different response or is that a hook?
see just writing the same thing back hasn't been going anywhere

Thanks Tori
I seem to think that H is not curious and doesn't notice things but I do, you do, we all do so he would too.

My main issue w going dimmer is how he will interpret it.
I want him to understand that I'd rather talk/see him but men don't really do subtle hinting (huge generalisation there, sorry chaps) that's why I want to say "don't really feel like texting, you can call me if you want"

I'm also fearful that it will cause him to think I am not interested - as that used to be my first thought but now I can think other things - he's busy etc.

I guess I just need to experiment...

Yes, H needs to realise I won't be here forever because I won't be. If this doesn't change then I will be done
I kept the home fire burning, stood like a lighthouse, kept the door ajar since he left 2 years ago.
I did that because I could see he was running from him Self
He even realised that in Feb'12 that wherever he went, there he was and that the issues were in him.

Thing is I don't think I can do this much longer. There is no benefit in it to me. What I know is that I'm doing good, I have a life without H that I really love. Sure, I miss his company and it would be great if we reconcile but I know I will be fine if we don't.

O and there's the other confusion in my mind:
on the one hand this is MLC and
on the other hand a man has left his wife and she may be done before he leaves the tunnel

Another question to anyone
If MWD says do what works and texting (no matter who initiates) was keeping the coms open and H was responding to me - why am I to go dimmer - no initiating - as we now know he will initiate if I don't?

I understand no hooks, no detecting but not responding to some texts is a game, isn't it? I just don't want to lose how far we've come and return to NC if he only sends one a day. I am going to put my phone on silent so that I don't respond immediately a text arrives.

A further question
When H didnt reply for awhile in the past he would write "Sorry, I've been .... didnt see text msg. And then ansa me"

So do I inform h of my GAL by
"sorry H, I was at the cinema/out for lunch/out for a walk. And then ansa his text"

What do you think?

How did coms get so difficult?

Hi Tumbling, my impression is that it's a part of your character to rather act than react. The standard DB approach is to be on the dim side but looking at your situation, with a very passive H, in order to keep any communication going it's ok to text him occasionally by yourself, let's say 1-2 times a week. Don't expect anything, just write if you feel it's something worth telling him. Don't necessarily inform him of your GAL activities, these are primarily FOR YOURSELF.

on the other hand a man has left his wife and she may be done before he leaves the tunnel

Eventually that would be ok, too. You have every right to move on, standing tall. I haven't investigated your threads - have you ever wished to have children?

i think you need to change things because what "works" for you is direct contact; talking on the phone. he's texting and you want him to call. he's not calling. what you're doing is not working.

your second question, about how to reply, may be good. you'll be responding but also, letting him know you're not sitting around waiting. however, i wouldn't over do it or it will seem contrived.

i think you should drop any pet names on replies. if he says, "good morning, tumbling punky-do", just reply, "good morning."

if he says, "i hope you're doing well", say, "thank you"... and no smiley faces.

make no requests. show him you're moving on and taking care of your own life but not asking him to participate in it. this is what you probably should be doing, anyway, after two years.

to me, it appears you are too focused on what H is doing, feeling, thinking, etc. that will drive you crazy.

pull back. think and act as if you are fine and are moving on. if he doesn't pursue, he's not interested in being with you in the way you want him to be so it's for the best.

O SS thanks so much
I have just done exactly that even before I read your message. Apart from the no "punkydo" - which made me chuckle

He text me this morning to ask about the house work (personally i think that was an excuse)
I sent him a photo with the word "Check this out"
He replied "Wow the xxxx looks great Tumbling Nname - you should be very pleased w yourself x PS morning x
I replied later "Awwww thanks H Nname x I'm pleased w the result too. Then I mentioned something else related to house change. I'm off out now but will tell you about it later. Have a nice day x
He replied "Off anywhere nice?"
Now the thing is I'm going to our favourite pub but I don't want to kick him so I told him I was going to another pub that I have just discovered in a village he has never been to.
I.E "sausage pub - village name x"

I like switching it up a little. This girl has a life!
I'm sure he's wondering who am I going with as usually I give more info than that and he will be curious that I am going to that village.

More later - please no 2x4s - these hooks were about me not us!

I think there's a fine line in finding the "boundaries" I wish I had some advise but I'm all sorts of confused myself. Reading other people's posts in here seems to slowly be helping me realize a lot of things though. Good luck.