Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

Thanks Nina, I agree! And if nothing else, this can make us change for our own selves, right? Maybe this is what I needed to get me to take an honest look at myself and how I affect others in relationship. Good luck to you as well, this is some trip...

He's not in love with you right now. That's the sitch for 99% of us here, we love our spouses and they may love us, but they're not "in love" with us. It's hard to accept at first, especially if you thought you were loved for years or in my case even decades. But DB'ing is all about coming to accept it, determine our part in why it happened, and working to change those parts of ourselves that are at fault.



Yeah, we all go through that. We wonder if it's worth it. I think there comes a time for all of us when we get over the emotional sting of the bomb drop and then we start remembering our spouses are not perfect either. We start taking stock of all their faults and then asking ourselves if standing is really worth it. For some it's worth waiting indefinitely, for some it's only worth a few months of their time, and for others it's not worth any effort at all. There is no right or wrong in this, you have to search your heart and decide what's best for yourself.

Very profound and very true.I have been up and down and never once given up hope or felt that the love was fleeting. I'd like to think I am in it for the long haul but understand why others eventually see a different path.

I always appreciate your thoughtfulness AnotherStander.

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone today. A lot has transpired in one day!

Thank you AnotherStander. It really helps each time I can get another insight into wth is happening here. And as much as it hurts to feel like he doesn't feel in love with me now, maybe it will come back, I don't know.

I just feel like I need to mention what happened today. This morning my H made a little bit of effort to include me in something he was doing, which was really cool of him because I made a small effort to speak to him and this was a good response I figured. We were sitting together, and in the middle of it I got a call that one of my cousins died. He had some problems and wasn't in the best health, and I felt so sad for him and my family. I was crying and my H hugged and consoled me which was nice, but I kept my guard up a just little bit because I don't want to get my hopes up either. After that, he went back up to his cave. When he came back down, he said one of his friends was just going to be coming over quick, just to sell him some pot. I said "you like pot?" I remembered seeing a roach a few days ago and was surprised, he usually says he hates pot and can't smoke it. But instead he told me
"yeah, I love it. I like to smoke it and listen to music."

So I said ok then! And that was that. I can't get involved here. I don't even know what is happening. Anyway, then he asked if I wanted him to order me any food, and I said yes, and he did. He brought his food up with him but I still thought it was a small step (I did write out some goals last night and these are at least progress and little steps). He came back down to get his pot and pour a big cup of wine and disappeared again.

Who - are you?

Where did my husband go? I swear I don't know this person. I don't.

Has he seemed to be in depression alot? Has he ever smoked before?

Has he seemed to be in depression alot? Has he ever smoked before?

he's mainly seemed sullen and depressed, and acting withdrawn and disinterested in me since this fight happened last week. (actually during a few times he's not spoken to me in the past, he act the same way). This time just seems a little more sinister because he's not wearing his ring for days now. He's definitely not the person I was hanging out with last week and joking around with. We were making each other laugh and being light.

He smokes pot very rarely (when he was younger I think he probably did) and whenever someone offers him any he says no or he'll take a toke or two and then come tell me how much he doesn't like it. That's why I'm so surprised. We actually had a tiny plastic tin of it sitting here for months that he didn't touch. Some guy gave it to him and he didn't want it. Although he did quit smoking 2 packs of cigs / day recently. It's been a month since he quit smoking those.

Do you have kids?

What do you feel about this behavior?

We don't have kids, it didn't happen...

About his behavior? I'm beginning to think he's going through some kind of MLC. Or ID crisis, I don't know what else to call it, I don't know this person. I also think that this is his 'go to' behavior when he's desperate to be heard. He doesn't know how to say up front "you hurt me." Usually he says that later when we've made up. But this is the longest he's done this. Usually it goes for 1-4 days. It's been about a week. I also feel disappointed that he chose to remove the ring. I don't know, maybe because I feel like if people know he's not wearing it, then it's a short jump to telling them he's leaving. And then it's just second nature. It makes me think he's thrown in the towel. He's pretty private, so it just confuses me to see that.

I also feel responsible for his feeling this way (not necessarily his behavior though). I think that this happened in large part because I have a bad attitude when I'm angry. I don't let go of things when he asks me to in an argument. And I can be really moody which isn't cool to do to anyone. I really do see my behavior pretty clearly and I don't like it at all. On our last argument I was really bitchy and I regret making that my MO - it's not healthy.

I guess this has shown me that.

Now that's more like it. I'm sure you probably held things against him and never let him here the end of it when you argue. Who wants to be reminded of something they might have or might not have done wrong? Would you?

So what have you done to change that behavior? What else have you done for him?