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I forgot LA does he know you know ?

Hi Regretful,

You sound strong and I like your idea of a family birthday meal and you baking a cake. I know that being part of happy family times was a major component in my H not leaving when he had his PA, 8 years ago. He later said to me that he just couldn't trust that our children would remain as happy if we separated, even though OW was trying to convince him that they'd be happier since he'd be happier with her. At the time, he agreed that he would be happier with her but he couldn't quite picture the kids getting along with her the way they get on with me--especially S13 (then S5 who loves the smell of my hair).

Since your H has texted about how much his boys mean to him, I'm sure that he is very sensitive to how precious the times are when you are all together happily. He is bound to realise that staying put as a family is the setup that is most conducive to his sons thriving. I really think you can capitalise on that (without mentioning it obviously).

Anyway, all this to say that an H can recommit to his M initially because of the kids, not because of the R with his wife. If you have any doubts about your H perceiving a dinner out with you as pressure then definitely go for the family birthday celebration. I think that can be very powerful.

While the info you've found out about your H and OW(s) is painful, I do think that it can motivate you to be an even better DBer. Not knowing that there is 'competition' puts you at a huge disadvantage. In my sitch, I felt that I had started late in the game whereas OW knew that she was trying to seduce him away from me. Once I knew about her, there were times when sheer competitiveness motivated me to carry on DBing. I was d@mmed if she was going to 'win'. Sure enough she started giving H ultimatums that stressed him and ultimately pushed him back towards his family.

Keep us informed and good luck!

If you'd like to hang out I'm closer to Pasadena ;-)

My H won't commit to Insanity or P90X. Waste of $.

I found out a few more disturbing things today and it's all I can do to bite my tongue and keep my hands from emailing.

First - that neighbor is having a Halloween party FOR THE KIDS. She flat out lied to me about it when I asked her about it 4 days ago, but she invited my H. What did she think, I wouldn't find out? OMG! I can't believe these people!!!!! I drafted a snarky email to her but decided to play it cooler and just let my H assume I was invited and will show up. She lives 2 doors down!! How could she think I wouldn't find out???

Second - I also found an extremely disturbing email in H's drafts folder. He wrote a whole long email about our situation, painting me like some sort of sad, pathetic whore, and addressed it TO MY FORMER BOSS AT MY OLD JOB. He wrote it as if he was writing to a friend of his (with the same name) catching him up on the sitch. I know he was intending it to look like a "mistake" because of the things he said and the way he wrote it. He never would have talked to his real friend that way, plus this friend knew the whole thing by the time he drafted the email in July. THEN I found another email to OM2 (or at least the start of an email) with a pretend apology for the "mistake".

It looks like that little plan never got hatched, but oh my god. I can't believe this. It's all making me a bit mental.

LA. Document everything. If your going to look. Make a duplicate. Keep your evidence close at hand and never reveal exactly what you have. Ever.

Put it away. Hopefully you will never need to look at it again.

But one must always follow parallel paths.

And down the road if you two start to tell the truth. You will be able to add it to your calendar of events... See what lines up. See what is gas-lighting or just plain B.S.

Well, it's turned out to be a Xanax night. I was getting so agitated by this intel that I needed to just turn it off for a while. Now I am walking around in a stupor but at least I am not ready to kill anyone.

H doesnt know I've snooped and honestly i think I've learned enough. Namely, who my friends are and aren't. I feel incredibly betrayed by two of them. I don't think it's healthy for me to keep doing this, esp since things have improved. He shared some important info about our rental property and we collaborated on the solution. We can't afford to lose the renter. He's also made it clear he's not moving back in there so that's good.

Going to try not to snoop, maybe verify I'd I have too. The snooping has been eye opening but hurtful in terms of my friends' betrayal.

I casually asked him if we got an invite to the Halloween party and he said yes, I thought we'd go. So no sense in confronting the neighbor. She does throw a great party.

Vero, I will PM you.

Chatterbug: agree. I gotta do some major CYA.

Please do! :-)

oops, I responded inside the quote box

Just a thought, I've drafted many things to and about my H that I've never sent and some of them were in email form and yes I still have them as they help me see how far I've come.

About the Halloween party, were you invited or not? What is the response you want or the message you are trying to send by showing up if not invited?