Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Can I do this?

Something else that may help.
First off, I've walked a mile in you shoes (my W did similar stuff including humiliation tactics etc.)The biggest similarity is where she wanted me to initiate the divorce. Mine offered me sex if I would initiate it. Surreal to say the least.
I feel ya. You don't want it. You are doing quite well at not getting one even though you have every right to divorce him. I applaud that. I really do. To see above it is a gift...
My thoughts: The OW is not your concern. He is a grown man and makes his own choices. If he chooses to be controlled by her or take and act on input from her, then you can't stop it. But OW is a symptom not a cause. Know that. It affects how you interact with him and your own well-being. While you get distracted and want to throttle her or worse, you miss some of the bigger picture.
Stop looking at FB. Stop paying any more attention to her than the cockroach deserves. Focus on you, your family, and your marriage. Realize you don't "need" him but want him in your life. If that's not to be, then you can move on and be done with the whole thing knowing you were the adult and the bigger person that tried what you could to make it work.

Later, regardless of how it turns out, you'll have to live with yourself and know what you did or did not do. That's very important since you cannot control him or what he does.

Ask your friend - OW is not the issue nor your concern.

I can't imagine a person that wants that kind of controlled person as their partner. I've seen that dynamic play out many times with friends in recent years and I don't see the joy and happiness they seem to go looking for in 99% of those situations. I wouldn't want to live my life like that. I doubt you do either.

Focus on you and what you do control - YOU. The rest will take care of itself how it takes care of itself. You don't need that drama

AJ

I agree with AJ about the Facebook thing. I de-activated my account which puts your account in some sort of purgatory. I avoid FB like the plague. Been there and done that and it's just not worth the energy needed to scrape me off the floor. I also agree that--as hard as it is to grasp--the OW is not a concern. She is there to cover up what he doesn't want to look at--what he's too afraid to deal with head on. I'm so inspired by your daily struggles. I can't begin to fathom how you are seeing him daily. You must be one tough cookie. Talk about a DB baptism by fire! You are obviously incredibly strong to have made it this far under those circumstances--AND you haven't caved on the D! You are one tough broad! You are inspiring. Heather

Just a few ideas for you:

1) He's going on a trip with her and her KIDS after just 12 weeks? Lol! Other people's kids are usually annoying under the best of circumstances - going on a trip with them (and remember, they will likely see your H as an unwanted intruder) should be interesting! I suggest you rent the movie She-Devil with Roseanne Barr.

2) Working with your H is an awful position to be in, but it also gives you some unique possibilities, if you use them. For one, OW WILL be jealous and annoyed that he's spending all day with you. Two, you can take the opportunity to look SMASHING at the office every day (and wear some seductive new perfume). Three, you can do a little mental jujitsu on your H by letting him think you are going out and having a grand old time (funny how it never dawns on them that you MIGHT not be sitting around waiting for them). Have a dozen roses sent to you at the office with a note that says "Thanks for last night". Bring dress-up clothes to the office and change at the3 end of the day as if you are going out to dinner on a date afterwards (but if he asks, you're just going out with a "friend. No, no one you know"

Even if you have to get all dressed up and then just go sit in a Starbucks or book store, let him imagine you might be out dancing or some such.

Be particularly happy in the office the next morning. Whistle to yourself. Pretend to be getting funny texts on your phone.

Just create a little aura of mystery.

While I agree with the mystery, now may not be the time to flaunt such things. Better to keep the mystery..mysterious. The clothes and such - sure. The note? I don't see that as a good idea.

My $0.04 worth,

AJ

I agree with AJ.

I've considered playing games like that, sending the OW a letter with no return address telling her that H is still seeing his wife. It's gratifying to think about for a time, but never as satisfying as what God puts into action...if we wait patiently. And, in the end, I think I will be proud of myself for resisting such urges. I will be Jackie Kennedy and continue on my merry way with my head held high.

Going on a vacation with someone else's kids is NO honeymoon. He can have at it. If he's like my H, he will try to pull off the happy dance after he gets back. Don't fall for it. Maybe he is convincing, even to himself, but taking on somebody else's kids!?? Talk about a nightmare.

hey- just read about you gals getting buff and making more money- i'm gong to try that also. i've lost weight (the good ole misery diet) and need to fill up some skin with muscle-

at the very least in the end i will be fit and healthy and look better.

i'm sorry you both are here- i wish i wasn't either- it's an awful struggle - the ow crappola. i feel stuff very like hate when he's with her and i know it- or i speculate (so, like all the time). it's awful to feel- and philosophically i hate it and know i shouldn't indulge in such destructive emotions. nevertheless- they're there and have to be dealt with.

thank God my h doesn't talk about ow- i'd probably turn into a raving screamer and blow the whole deal. you're truly brave to endure it and keep your silence. i'm sure you're in line for some special award (from someone)....

i can't even stand knowing (she was a friend back in the day) oh well- i'll skip th4e hate and anger fest- it's hard as heck to keep "even". just wanted to say you both should be very proud of your accomplishments so far. . good luck. nero

LoisB, AJ and Nero thanks for your 4 cents or as we say in Blighty, your 2 pence worth, of advice!

I am definitely stronger than I ever realised, I always thought I was tough but this has tested my mettle like nothing else before in my life. I have blocked him and OW on fb, I love the concept of fb but it's been ruined by humanity! It's a cool way to stay in contact with my family, (I live 190 miles away) and all my overseas friends.

I will look back on this one day and be thankful for the opportunity for growth and understanding of myself. Truly, I will be fine. I remember that first weekend when he moved out, when i thought i would stop breathing because it hurt so much to be alive. As you said AJ, I don't need him, I merely want and desire him. Huge difference.

Thanks guys, your words help me greatly. Much love, ND. X