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So keep with the GAL... Use the anger to work on your boundaries.

Switch the snooping to verification.

He cannot be trusted either in the marriage.

I went back to my postings from a few weeks ago. Things are so much calmer now. Denver told me to just love him for 3 months. I had forgotten he'd said that but I've been putting it into practice and I think it's working.

Despite all the lying, I think it's working. Denver and Breakdown also said it would take some time for him to reciprocate the changes.

You're refocusing! Good! The shock from the evidence you found is just sitting. No action to be taken, just sitting!

Sitting and fuming, but at least sitting and fuming feeling a little more confident that I know what is actually going on.

I went to a 15 minute meditation session today and will try to keep doing that. Today I focused on loving H but I clearly need to focus on releasing some of this anger. I do "breathe in white steam, breathe out black smoke".

I really changed it up tonight. Foot rub instead of a back rub. Woo hoo! Does that count as a 180?

Also, I have my H's agreement to pull my younger son out of therapy (with therapist's agreement too) so now we can use that money for MC. Question is - will he follow through now that the dust has settled and he's not feeling so traumatized about almost filing? I want to try a therapy called EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) - has anyone tried that? I hear it's great for couples who have "attachment injuries".

Finally, I tested the waters a bit regarding his birthday in 2 weeks. My kids are sleeping over at their grandparents' this weekend so that means H and I have a free evening. I told H, "I'm going to see Argo on Saturday if you'd like to come." He said no thanks (as expected). Truth be told, I already invited a friend pretty much knowing he'd say no.

Although I have a dinner reservation made for his birthday and my parents have agreed to babysitting should we need it, I will probably suggest a family dinner either in or out. I had thought about giving him the option to go out as a couple, but it might be pressuring, so I may just drop it altogether and stick on the safe side. On the other hand, he does like to have a fuss made over him, but my gut tells me it's too much too soon.

I will probably make him a cake though. One of his big complaints is that I've never done that for him. Of course, he never told me that he wanted a cake or anything special, he just complained bitterly that I never did it. One time on his birthday I brought home individual slices of cake because I couldn't find a small one. They were all different - I thought that it would be nice if everyone could have what they wanted. He was so offended by this - he still brings it up as a "clueless" thing that I did.

that man needs to learn about gratitude.

right before bed I read "Carol and Dean" from DR. That story gives me a lot of hope, I feel it's very similar to my sitch. Marathon, not a sprint, marathon not a sprint, marathon not a sprint. Baby steps baby steps baby steps baby steps.

I know I probably sound like a crazed lunatic repeating those mantras!

Hey Regret. Just catching up a bit.

It's tough, but at least your eyes are open now. I think in some ways, it's easier to focus on you and your family knowing that you really don't know and can't control all the things your H is thinking/doing.

With this new info, I have to say, I love his comment about "your his W until your not, and you need to respect that." You might want to turn that one around on him at some point. And I don't mean in a hateful way.




You've made it pretty clear that this isn't the case haven't you? Have you said in no uncertain terms that you want to work on the M? You've accepted responsibility for your mistakes and are working on them right? He knows this? If the answers are all yes, then I think all the other stuff is just seen as pursuing and makes you seem like you're trying to appease him. If you think it's helping, then go for it...but keep your eyes open and don't let it turn into a cake eating situation.



That really doesn't sound healthy to me. Is that how you want to be?



I'd vote for family dinner. We did the same thing for my W's a few months ago and I think it really made her think about us as a family. We had dinner alone a few weeks prior (anniversary) and while that started well, it ended terribly, with us both rehashing a bunch of stuff we were angry about.

Thanks Breakdown! I appreciate you dropping by. I do think that things have really improved a lot in the last 3 weeks. And sure, he might be cake eating. But you know what - he hasn't filed for D. I am willing to be patient because the changes are working.

Today, he told me to have a good day as he was leaving with the boys. Then just a few minutes ago he texted me to ask me if it was ok to use his last session with the trainer today. I told him I'd noticed his weight loss and was proud of him for making that a goal. Trying to be very conscious of not pressuring/ pursuing but trying to fill his love tank too. That is a difficult balance. He's been eating dinner with us consistently too, so I'm feeling like I've got a winning strategy for now.

Yes, I recognize that I have the tendency to be vindictive, or to have those feelings at least. Haven't acted on any of it. I'm working on being able to let go of my anger better and not to feel that way. It's a challenge. I am a mama bear and I don't take kindly to people f'ing with me.

Birthday plans: hey, if we can do a family day and evening, that would be great. I'll take it. We'll see how that unfolds. Key is not to push him and for him to feel loved and to enjoy the day.

This weekend my kids will be gone. As I said I had planned to see a movie but my dad said stay home with H. GAL at home? I don't know... In the olden days we'd always use that time to go out together but clearly he's not ready for that. And I could see a "date" ending in disaster.

Sounds really good! I'm glad you are doing so well!

If there's a way you could meet up with some friends for a beer and pizza or something like that, it might work...if you can keep it light and fun. But I think quiet, one on one time...that sometimes just feels so full of pressure. At least it did in my case (and really, for both of us).

With regards to his working out...if he's doing cardio, consider getting him Insanity. If he's doing weights, consider P90X. You can get these pretty cheap used (lots of people try it and give up) and you can do them right at home. If the focus is just getting healthy (and not socializing), then they are great for the money, especially if he's using a trainer and you'd like to save those dollars.