Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hi, all of you #2

Can you provide a little more detail. What boundaries? What did she say? What and HOW did YOU say it?

A male friend of her came to the apartment when I was picking up my SS14 (he turned 14, wow)to take him to school. I also know this guy but have never considered him or his family my friends. W has been friends of this family since she was in high school, one of this man's daugthers was with her at school. He is an older man who sells refurbished T.V.s and my W stopped by their house to ask for a tv. For quite a while this man has insinuated to my Weven before our brake up. Before our brake up I asked my W to stop going to their house and she did, but after our brake up she started looking for many of her old friendships, some which I do not like, just like this friendship.

When he knocked on the door, and I opened he had already walked to the side of the apartment and was knocking on the windows.
He was acting as if he was drunk or druged, he did not even noticed I was there and was asking my W to open the door. My W was nervous, and so I told this man to get out.

This is when I asked her wath was going on, and she said she stopped by their house the day before to ask for a tv, and give them the address to the house so they can deliver it.

I started saying to her that I did not like this guy nocking at the door and specially the windows, and I said this in a calm voice. I said to her that it bothered me, and that it was probably a circumstance out of her control, but that there should be some boundaries to what people she is in touch with because of their reputation.

She got all defensive and started to compare me to her S24, telling me that he had acussed her of doing drugs with this guy, I was quiet until she finished, then I said to her that this was the reason I did not wanted her to have any contact with these kind of friendships, specially when they were taking the liberty of knocking on her windows the way this guy was doing and the way he was taking to her. W just did not wanted to listen to what I was saying and said that if I did not believe her she had proof of drug tests not being positive from were she started working a month ago. I have to admit that I did say to her that I was suspicious about this guy knocking at the door and windows, and that it was weird the liberty he had to do it.

The conversation lasted for about 5 minutes, and all she said was to leave her alone and forget about her. That she did not wanted anything to do with me. She was telling that she could not believe what I was saying, and that I could go and live with her S24 if I believed him more than her. At that moment, I just said I was leaving, and ended the conversation by saying that we needed to find a better way to discuss things.

I picked up my S14 today again, and she was pretty upset still, she again said she was disapointed of me, and that she did not wanted to work on our R. She said that this kind of discussions will come again and that she is not prepared for them, that she is better alone. I been thinking on all this that happen from yesterday to today, and just came to the conclusion that she is still not seeing the big picture that is a work of two people now to restore the R. She just wants a "free pass" and not having to face her wrongs so she can do something about it. I believe I know what my wrongs are and I am working on them.

I am calm, I have faith this will pass and I am praying for better words for next coming discussion.

Her defensiveness makes me wonder if she is using?? I don't want to put ideas in your head but be very careful.

AA


Take a look at the bolded text up there ^^^^

1) you TOLD her what YOU did not like several times.
2) then you gave her the excuse she needed...almost like...hey honey not it's not in your control. No way is YOU contacting him in YOUR control. Nah..no way..Please tell me that honey. Please confirm it for me. I don't want to know that it really was in your control.

Stop trying to get her to see something that she aint ready to see yet! A simple.."I see you have company so I will leave" would suffice and then when she calls DON'T ANSWER the phone. AA, LET YOUR ACTIONS SPEAK not YOUR WORDS. Everytime you try and explain something to HER YOU seem weak and unsure.

Stop making excuses for her.

You are still afraid to lose her.


Yep she is going to - especially since she probably feels like you will do what YOU keep doing, which is EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO HER ...IN THE HOPE THAT SHE WILL GET IT. AA, she ain't stupid dude. She gets it...she gets that...

1) She can call AA anytime she wants and IF she waits long enough (a few weeks max) that you will come to the rescue again.

2) You still love her and YOUR actions keep telling her that YOU will keep trying.

3) She gets that she has you...right where she wants you.

Take control back from her.

Do you know what going DARK is?

Do you know what detachment is?


"I did not want"...Personally right now do you think she gives a rats as* about what you want? If she did, then i guess she would be on her knees begging you to take her back. AA, it is HER place not yours...she could have anyone she wants over. Who are YOU to be telling her who she can and cannot have over.

"I said to her" - once again, here you go again trying to explain yourself to her...in the hope that she will get it.

Honestly dude it make you seem weak and unsure. If you did not want to be involved with the person who was there you get up and leave. End of discussion.


Has she ever during this? AA, lets be real here dude, she has you wrapped around her finger. Do you know how you know when she is really listening and really begining to change? When her ACTIONS show it.


Perfect! Then respect her wishes. Leave her ALONE. Turn off your cell phone. IF she pops up at your job ask her to leave and I mean don't even listen to a word she has to say. Nothing. Nada. Not one freaking word. Try that for a few weeks and see how it goes.


who is "we"? You are talking to her like she is still your W. She aint..not now.


Okay..quick question. Have you guys had sex again? I know it is personal and I will respect you if you choose not to answer. Here is why I ask...

It seems like every time you leave her alone she wants YOU back.(Psst...notice it is when you leave her ALONE) Personally I think some of it is the sex thang, but hey that's just me.

So whenever the itch comes or she needs something; she calls you back, gets what she needs and then does the same thing to you (leave me alone, blah, blah, blah).

AA, I want you to be happy dude, chit if she is gonna make you happy then I want you to reconcile but more than that..don't you want to be a whole and healthy individual? Don't you wanna be the best AA ever? IF you do then maybe you need to focus more on YOU and LESS on HER.

What you are doing is not working and has not worked.

DBing is counter-intuitive..in short it is doing the opposite of what YOU think you should be doing.

Dbing is a lot about boundaries and personal growth.

Dbing is geared to save YOU and help you become a better person.

Dbing takes TIME and CONSISTENT ACTIONS.


So lets touch on these for a bit...

Counter intuitive - you want to call or text her. Dont. You want to see her sexy face...leave her alone. Allow her to really miss you AA. I know, I know, deep down inside you are afraid that she may not be around later on. Deep down inside you are afraid that she will feel that you bailed on her. I get it..I totally do. Guess what, if that is how she feels so be it. Then I guess it was not God's will for you to be together.

boundaries and personal growth - both of these are FOR YOU. Your personal growth is really for you..it is you becoming the best YOU that YOU can be. Boundaries are for you as well. They are there to protect YOU core beliefs.

TIME and CONSISTENT ACTIONS - You have not given anything more than a few weeks at best. That is NOT consistent. That is not time.

I can expand on these but I am getting tired and need to get some sleep.

I'll leave you with this AA...

YOu are still so afraid to lose her. FTR, you already lost her. You lost the women that cheated on you (a good thing if ya ask me). No you did not lose the women you feel in love with. Nope - she is still in there.

Let go of the old woman. Find the new YOU AA..and not on the surface, the real you deep down in your soul. The MAN, El Hombre. The real you papa..look inside he is in there...

Face your fear...

Face it...

YOU will be better because of it...

That papa I can promise YOU!

When you find you...you will come to realize that ALL of this is YOUR choice. You will come to understand YOU and the VALUE that YOU have.

Peace,
Eric

Eric,

I am very afraid to lose her, and I have been thinking if she is really mine to lose? I came to the answer that no, she is not mine to lose and that she is already gone. This answer is very, very hurtful, I am in real pain right now because I see her as my happiness, and that also gets me to be angry with myself because my happiness does not dependes on her, but on the relationship I have with the Lord.

I know I have a codependy on XW and I long for the woman I met, not the woman I lost.

I went to her work today and to my surprise she is driving the car the OM gave her. She said she had to do it because she is struggling without a car, I was quiet, hurting to see exactly what you are saying, I am just being used. I have lost all self respect, I begged her to reconsider after all I have seen, I still begged her!! I left by saying that she will always be the love of my life.

I know I need to detach and continue with healing my spirit, but the problem is that I DO NOT want to do it. Everything goes back to the fear of losing her, but again, is she really mine to lose? No!!, and I question my self: Why is it to hard to admit she is gone, and move with your life? You are doing a lot of damage to yourself, so why continue digging your own grave?

I have all the answers, but I am just hovering around to what she needs.. Pitty!!

Thanks Eric..

I am right there with you. I am in the process of detaching myself, and I am scared to death. That is a good point. Are our wives ours to lose. Probably not in my case; I have already lost her.

Grateful,

Yes, we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Yesterday I went to church, and the preaching was good. It came down to the point of doing what is right, to live a straight life and not to be afraid of of the price of doing things right. We usually put everything on the balance, and when we fear that doing something right is going to costs us something valuable, we rather not do it.

In this case, we know we have to detach, move on to fix ourselves, and that is the right thing to do, we are just to afraid of doing what is right because of the price we have to pay. In our cases the fear of losing the woman we love, yet again, ARE THEY OURS TO LOSE?

God bless you Grateful, and I will recomend you to check on Rejoice Marriage Ministries on the web. It is a Christian website helping with the Word of the Lord and prayers restore marriages, there is really powerful stuff in there that will bring hope, and peace to you.

Thank you for the kind words. I will check them out now.

Grateful,

You have nothing to thank me for. We all in this place have received grate advice from each other, and as many say: "I am paying it forward"

If I can be of any help to you, do not hesitate to post and I can share with you my own experiences. I will pray for you, God bless you.

AA


Yeah I get that…why though? Can you give me specifics?

For example:

I am afraid that I will not find anyone as pretty as her

I am afraid that I will not find anyone who satisfies me sexually like her

I am afraid that my step kids will not want to see me

AA – write down exactly what you are afraid of.


I know dude…I can only imagine. This pain though can serve a purpose IF you let it. It can help transform you…but much like the Paul talks about in the bible..”I must die so that he can be born in me”.

AA, the old you, the old guy that is codependent on your W and on other things….must really die. It ain’t easy brother….not by a long shot.


She is still in their buddy…hidden under a ton of pain, disappointment, anger, guilt, etc. She is in there….so I’ll ask you…IF you LOVE her that much…Can you set her free? Can you set her free to allow YOU to really for once FOCUS on YOU? Do you love her that much?


Did you lose it or DID you really NEVER have it? Hmmmm….let me ask you a question. What is respect to YOU? Give me some very clear examples. Is respect looking you in the eye when I talk to you? Is respect anything that I do or do not do to you? What exactly is RESPECT to YOU?



Dude….FEAR has a huge grip on you right now. Huge. What if I told you that….in time….after you really have healed that YOU and YOU only control IF she comes back. What would you say to me? What AA, if I told you that in time when you are stronger….better…wiser….smarter….no longer scared…that YOU would have ALL of the cards at your disposal. What would you say?

God does answer prayers. He did for me. He reached down and touched me in a way that I had never been touched before. He showed me the biggest lessons that many people never really learn……

How to really love myself

How to really forgive myself

How to forgive others

How to really be happy

And

When I learned those things…I was able to love again.

So how did this happen?

I let go completely and gave every bit of me and my spirit to Him. I started to face my fears…..


I know you do not want to…I didn’t either. Remember…He will not give you more than you can bear. Remember that.


Some may disagree with my approach here but I’ll tell you what I think this issue is….

You do not know who AA is

You do not know who AA is outside of his partner

You are scared right now to realize that really other than her what have you?

I’m here to tell you…


Yes you MotherF*cking DO! The answers are inside you. I sense you can feel them…but FEAR has you by the cojones. Let go of the fear papa….let it go. Face that f*cker.

YOU got this buddy….you can do this….

I know you can!