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Thanks AT.

I don't feel like congratulations are in order just yet but It's nice to hear. Yes, in many ways, I feel lucky right now with the way my sitch is moving along. Let's just hope that we keep seeing progress.

Starsky,

Thanks for popping by. Yeah, I feel like I'm hearing the sound of bursting bubbles and shattered rose-colored glasses but I'm not going to help in any way. My financial situation is not an easy one right now either and she knows that. Lately, she's been asking many questions about the work I do and I stay vague enough in my answers. It's not her business right now to see how well I'm doing and I wouldn't want her to dump some of her responsibilities on me.

So for now, you are right my standard answer is "I understand. This is hard on ALL of us right now. "

Cheers guys!!

Actually, I just re-read this last post and I don't like the way I sound. It's just that before writing it, I'd accidentally come across texts send by OM on D8's phone (on loan from W), and although they were about nothing (really!!) and sent about 2 weeks ago, I let myself be affected by them.

I do intend to help W but only through moral support for the time being. If she can't assume her financial responsibilities and it doesn't affect D8, I don't intend to help her unless it's life threatening however, if it's to do with payments for D8's school or insurance (which W said she'd assume) I would probably do it in the form of a loan.

I actually feel bad about it but I'm kind of glad that she is coming to this realization and that her life is not all rosy right now. I hope that it serves as an eye opener. Not that I want her to come back for financial reasons but an eye opener that some of her decisions might not have been well thought out.

Why is it your job right now to morally support her?

I disagree, morally and tactically. "BGPs" doesn't just refer to financial stuff. Your wife has made certain choices, and it's best that she be allowed to feel the full consequences of them.


Starsky

Yeah, I know you are right on this one mate. I guess when she opens up about her feelings in convos, I feel I need to show her I can listen and understand what's she's talking about. Mind you, we've had quite a few of these talks lately and I seriously need to make myself less available.

I remember reading somewhere in Denver's sitch how he struggled with the fact that if HE was not the one there for her, OM might be the one she turns to for that. I guess i feel a bit the same way. It seems to me that she's been filling a need by coming to me to open up and talk. My W has always been one for deep meaningful convos and I have a feeling that OM isn't quite up to the task.

I guess I just answered my own question. If he isn't up to the task (and this is purely speculative based on the few text messages and FB comment I've seen from him), then she won't be able to turn to him, will she?

I know. It's grand time I took a step back, gently. Make myself busy and limit our interactions.

Thanks Starsky.

Well then stop denying the OM the task to fail her on these deep conversations...... Hmmm......

Listen . . . YES.

SUPPORT -- emotionally, financially or otherwise . . . NO.


The key is for her to know she's been HEARD, but that she hasn't been RESCUED.


She does need to know you're a better listener than perhaps you used to be, but that DOESN'T mean you then have to take what you heard, and swoop in and rescue her, even if it's just emotionally. Good listening, and then a courteous response of "(Wife's first name), I hear you saying that X, Y and Z are tough for you right now. I get that; this is tough on ALL of us right now. We're each going to have to learn new skills if we're going to get thru whatever lies ahead, and although I didn't wish for this, I am excited about it when it comes to my own personal growth."

Something like that.


Starsky

Gee, Starsky, what a smooth talker you are. I love it mate.

The only thing is that it's too much like I used to be. Everything I used to say was loaded, and meant to hit a target. It was usually meant to guilt her and manipulate her in doing what I wanted her to do. I've been monitoring myself to avoid this behaviour and so far, I'm doing well.

This was one of the biggest points in her decision to leave so I can't go there. Heck, I don't want to go there again. Nonetheless, I hear what you say and yes, I can listen and validate without bailing her out.

CB, I hear you as well mate.

Thanks guys,

I agree, Starsky sure has a silver tongue.

Please show me where ANYTHING I suggested in that script is "meant to hit a target," or is in any way manipulative. I'm failing to see it.

You should LEGITIMATELY not want to solve her problems, or rescue her financially or emotionally. She has fired you from the position of "Husband," and it wouldn't be appropriate for you to respond to that by pursuing her or rescuing her in any way from the consequences of that choice.

There's nothing manipulative about it.


Starsky

This is just my opinion but I'd leave this out if i were going to tell her that. I feel that it's passing blame like :"Hey! it was your idea and it's hurting us all". Maybe it's just me. A lot of stuff which is said harmlessly can be seen as aimed at guilting someone else. I guess it's all about intent in the end but I'd want to make sure she can't see a hint of my old behaviour.