Quote: Confusion reigns in the WAS head. Sometimes they will even admit they are confused and say they don't even know what they want. But for some reason they are fixated upon this decision because they made it some time ago and keep pushing for it. Why? Maybe they feel this is their somthing different. They have been fixed on this so long that they don't realize the somthing different now would be to give it a chance, either verbally or through actions. I do believe they will carry the pain and confusion with them, it is not within the LBS.
Hi all,
Sounding better. Hang in. I still do not buy the confusion part. I believe they are set on what they are doing. But I did not consider the fixted concept; the idea they are SO focused on their objective, they are not open to or seeing alternatives. A fresh perspective.
Quote: my mom told me to focus on myself but do not give up on H yet, that he has love in his heart for me and that he is making mistakes because he does not know how to resolve things
Go MOM... this is exactly what you need to do. They don't have a clue how to unwind this web they've made. Take care of you.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I was totally floored when i read you posts. I can't believe that he would hand you D papers on your birthday weekend. I'm angry for you, but i think that you have been handling it all ok.
No matter what he thinks the D will give him (closure?) in the end he cannot escape himself and thus he is doomed.
When it looked like H and i where heading for D i considered sending him the first chapter or DR, under the promise of my C. I was fully ready to move on without him, as much as it hurt. I don't understand how they think that a D is the solution?!!?
I think that you could do this in two ways: 1. Sign the papers and end things with your H once and for all. Go totally dark, no phone calls, no contact ect. Might be a 180?
2. Go on as you have been with your H and see what happens.
It may not be constructive to your R and M, but I would take the first option. Not because i want my M to end, but for my own sanity. I know that i would be so very angry, and doubly wary of trusting H after he could hand me those papers.
As you have said, you don't neccessarily want a fully reconciliation at this point, you just want to give a committment to SEE if it would be possible, it doesn't mean that YOU would want HIM in your LIFE. How do they not get that????
I know that the person my H was while we where sep. is not the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. He knows that we are only looking to see if we have a future and that it isn't set in stone. We have only made a committment to SEE if it could work, not that it WILL work.
It is sad for your H, but in the end, what goes around comes around. YOU will be fine, and i know that you will go on to have a wonderful relationship with someone else, your H however, is doomed to repeat the same things over and over, except that it'll be easier next time.
Stats say that women who D in their late 20's and 30's are better off after the D than before whereas the men are most definatly not!!!!
Pattie, thanks for posting!. How awful you were thinking about D papers on your birthday. I mean, what is in their heads, really?
Do you really think he came out of the tunnel? He DID seem that way... but then all the sudden seemed to run all the way back in.
Anyone have any ideas on something I did differently then? Maybe a tiny more "pursuit" than usual but H said he didn't feel pursued or pressured by me. Just curious if something is obvious that I am not seeing in my own actions.
I need to clarify he gave them to me on the day after my actual birthday-- the day many people seem to confuse with my actual birthday-- but to me there is not much difference. I guess the kicker was that I had made him a nice evening for his in Jan.... and last year on mine, he was ready to run away with me and spend the rest of our lives together. It is just SO tunnel H and so NOT the H I've been seeing.
B, confusion does reign. I believe my H when he has said that... anyone who knows him could see it in him. I see it in your sitch too, which I've been reading. Just consider the posibility.
seattle, maybe D is "something different" in their minds... hadn't thought of it that way. I am a big fan of pampering. I'm looking forward to that facial.
Reread your thread. He was coming to some conclusion. Yes, you got the papers, but what was happening the week or few days before? Could he have been wavering in favor of the M? Stuck his head out of tunnel and then got scared? You were doing something that got his attention. What was it?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Yes, I was floored too. I have no idea why he thinks it's any kind of solution. And he didn't really say... except to reiterate a few of the long-ago reasons he had for leaving... as if that was last week or something, and as if none of the ensuing conversations or interactions had ever happened.
My C always reminds that those reasons no longer exist in our current R (such as it is)... but H seems very committed to holding on to them and to his pain from then rather than letting them go.
My C also reminded me that as H says himself and as anyone can see, his "situation" began its downward spiral at the introduction of OW. So he is basically choosing to keep the pain, keep the destructive behavior and lose the M. C thinks he is afraid of failure. But I am through analyzing it...
Yes, you heard it here folks. No more analyzing. Please hit me if I start.
What I have wanted most is a committment to date, explore together how we could build the R we've talked about wanting... to go slow. Because I HAVE seen lots of the old H... and even a newer, wiser H here and there. Those men I really like.
I think your 180 might be the best route for me at least in the short-term, Lee.
I think I'm working through the anger, so it's not so much that. It's just that he needs to show up in a reasonable way and he doesn't get that right now for whatever reason. And yes, it would be something different.
So did you actually send the chapter of DR? My H has actually read it twice... once I sent it to him back closer to the start of our S, and it impacted him. Then he started to read the book when he was home... and said he thought our M had been much better than the people in the book (so we must be really messed up to get here).
It is your H journey, and there is nothing you can do to help him, infact, they don't seem to want our help.
Who know why your H stuck his head out of the tunnel, mine stuck his head out to. And whatever their reasons; they run back in.
Give him space and do things that will help make you a happier person.
I like your mom!LOL
Maybe by handing you the papers he was looking for a reaction, who knows what these aliens are thinking. I know, I keep seeing the "old H" also. This is all apart of there trip. Zero expectations.
The papers are just that, and it's not over yet. Many times in the eleventh hour they change gears. Just go about your business. Work on detaching adn work on you!
Wonder ~ I wish there was a way to shake our Hs and help them see what a mistake they are making!!! Unfortunately there is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves! Like Deb said--it is HIS journey!!!
I'll give you the advice I was given on my thread...detach, high expectations, patience and high PMA!!!! A true formula for success!!
I know it is easier said than done when we see them peek their heads out of the tunnel, but it is the only way for us to stay on course (and sstay omewhat sane... )
My birthday is March 22 and my D should be final right around then...happy birthday to me!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: Yes, you got the papers, but what was happening the week or few days before? Could he have been wavering in favor of the M? Stuck his head out of tunnel and then got scared? You were doing something that got his attention. What was it?
He was definitely wavering in favor of M.
H was slowing moving forward, got his own place, was talking about "when he moves back home", was telling me about the stuff going on with him, we again. I was making an effort to call him, though not everyday. Then he seemed to withdraw, shortly after staying overnight here.
He said being on his own and going to C has helped him. I find this interesting since it's been barely a month for each of those things (he is now on my insurance as of last month).
What was happening right before was H withdrawing more from me. Working lots. And I know from SIL that MIL had called OW, then called BIL in her crazymaking (she's suddenly realized that his behavior is not OK, so I am not sure what triggered that). I did mention the BIL call to H, but he seemed OK about it because he knows I stay way out of their drama. And he decided to keep our dog at OWs when he'd been saying for weeks he was bringing him here.
I gave him candy for V Day and he called me twice on that day about insurance papers. I texted him once or twice and sent a sexy email (this usually works for us and I got no response to that one, so I backed off).
Nothing jumps out, which is why I don't know if I should change my behavior drastically or not, other than giving us both some space right now and signing the papers... I should sign them, right?
Unfortunately there is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves! Like Deb said--it is HIS journey!!!
)
again. I was making an effort to call him, though not everyday. Then he seemed to withdraw, shortly after staying overnight here.