Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

I was going to say the same thing. If you simply brushed it under the rug and tried to move on, it's going to rear it's head again and again. And if it's your ammunition every time you're in an argument, clearly, you haven't forgiven him. It's really important for you to do this....not for him, but for yourself. True forgiveness is freeing....for the one forgiving.

Have you read some of the posts from the other members on the board? A lot of it is really insightful and inspiring. Good luck.

How remorseful has your H been after he was caught cheating?

I think to a certain degree you haven't forgiven him for what he's done and he wasn't ready to come back. It sounds like the two of you hadn't done the one thing that makes DB work and that is to change.

Seems like the two of you continue to push each other's buttons, although you are trying, it doesn't seem like he "gets it". He feels like you're not respecting him which you feel he doesn't deserve because of his A.

When was the last time the two of you actually had "fun" together? Have you looked into Retrouvaille? It looks like your situation would be perfect for it.

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He was very remorseful, and he's expressed that a few times including in our sessions. I've never seen him be so humble. He says he made a bad mistake and feels sorry, low about himself and more sorry that I'm hurting so much. However, naturally he doesn't bring it up and I don't unless we're in an argument and I feel like he's being unnecessarily mean. Inside I feel like, are you serious? I know it sounds immature but I feel like he should be doing everything he can to be kind right now. I'm sure I'm going to need to forgive him for us and for me as another poster mentioned. I just don't like it!





You're absolutely right about me not forgiving. I also haven't changed, which I regret - and this was somewhat of a wake up call again, for me. I don't know if he was ready to come home, I assumed he was because he kept trying, but I don't know how I'd really know that. He was living outside on our deck! He has changed somewhat, I have to say, although much of our dynamic (fighting) hasn't. He's an open book as far as passwords, emails, phone, and tries to show me in his actions that he cares (helps more around the house, cooks me dinner, etc).




I hate to say a lot of this is me, but it is. He is no angel, his attitude (esp right now!) really can be trying and this silent treatment and sleeping outside again is ridiculous. But I have a lot of work to do on me in the "going on and on" department. If nothing else, I heard what he said this time - it certainly got my attention!



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We go hiking a lot and out to dinner, movies, stuff like that. We do laugh a lot which I love, but lately we've been around each other a ton, probably too much. I'm trying to get out a little more, and clearly he's avoiding me. I still don't know if he's serious about leaving, but at this point - I'm getting tired of hearing it and reacting again and again, so this time - I'm doing nothing about it. I've already sincerely apologized for my part, I offered him a ride to work yesterday, and both were met with silence. I'm being nice enough without interacting.

I don't know what Retrouvaille is but I am about to look into it - thank you for your suggestion...

We go hiking a lot and out to dinner, movies, stuff like that.

Very good.

We do laugh a lot which I love

Great.

lately we've been around each other a ton, probably too much.

That's an important sentence. What's rare becomes precious. So:

I'm trying to get out a little more

That's the right thing to do currently. Spend time on your own with quality activities, "GAL".

I'm being nice enough without interacting.

That's the DB way. I wish you the persistence to carry it on.

Just an update that there really isn't too much of an update! But I was suggested to post here often, and if it will keep me from texting him again or some other nonsense, I'll do it.

He slept outside again last night in his truck and luckily I had plans set up already for today to see a girlfriend of mine...so when he came in to the house (disguised as a dark cloud again) to make breakfast, I was already out of the shower and ironing something. He took his food outside and that was it. I left a few min later and he's already at work now till late. I'm sad that he hasn't made any effort even after I tried to reach out here and there a couple of days ago, but more so I'm hurt that he's not wearing his wedding ring. He left it out and hadn't been wearing it for at least 2 days. When I came home this afternoon and saw it sitting there, my heart fell. This makes me feel like maybe he's serious this time and not just being cave-like and withdrawn like he has done in the past when we've had a fight. He works around a lot of people, so to me it's like he's broadcasting our problems, or that he's done with me. Is this the kind of thing that's meant by the phrase

"Believe none of what he says and half of what he does" ?

I'm trying not to take it too personally, but to me it's like telling other people "hey look, no ring!" - why would you want to let people see that if you weren't seriously considering leaving? Aside from that and not speaking to me for 5 days, he hasn't done anything else overly drastic.

Has anyone else experienced this?


Also, how do you know when your spouse is "done with you" and when they're just pissed off and taking space?

My girlfriend suggested writing him a letter telling him how much I appreciate him, which would sound more reasonable if I wasn't also doing a 180. I told her, if my being there for him and reaching out to him has gotten me no response, what is this going to do?

Anyway, that's that. I'm going to go keep myself busy again!

So this morning he woke up, came inside and started making breakfast without saying a word, as usual for the past week. I asked him if he was just going to stop speaking to me altogether. He said something like "I don't know what you want me to say". So I asked again and he came and sat on the couch. He said he's still going to leave, maybe next month because he has to find a place for him and the 2 dogs. He asked me what I was planning to do and if I was leaving he'd stay till Nov. I told him that right now I'm not going anywhere, this is his choice. I don't agree with it, because I believe that marriage is worth fighting for. However, I said that I supported his decision, and I can't make him stay if he's made up his mind. I told him I don't know what I'm going to do yet, maybe I'll have someone move in with me (it's only a 1 br so don't know how that would work). If I can't find someone to move in, I'll have to have that conversation with our landlord when the time comes. For now I'm not uprooting myself until I've thought this through.

Part of me is astounded that he'd really leave when there's so much love between us (wouldn't know it right now). The other part of me is numb and kind of like "if you're going to go, then go already and let me get on with my life!" I'm very sad, but if someone would give up on me that easily, then I don't know what to say. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

"Part of me is astounded that he'd really leave "

You answered your own question earlier. Nothing has changed in terms of your interactions towards one another so he's leaving because he thinks nothing is ever going to change.

"I asked him if he was just going to stop speaking to me altogether. "

You shouldn't have said that. He perceives this as being "his" problem when you have an equal hand at causing his silence. He doesn't want to speak because he thinks it will lead to an argument. You have to SHOW him things are different with you. If you continue to act the way you have, you'll just get more of the same.

Thanks for your input MrBond. Although I asked him that because it's been almost a week with next to no words. I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't an affront, I was asking an honest q. Maybe you're right and it was unnecessary. I have a ways to go.

I thought that coming forward to apologize and as not reacting today in upset or anger when he said he was still leaving was a huge leap for me. I didn't try to talk about it or change his mind. I told him I disagreed but I supported what he chose to do. And then I did my work and left him alone while he walked around looking like a dark cloud over a serial killer.

I'm going to keep trying, not engaging and being kind. If that's not different, I need to read the books again! Actually I'll do that anyway.

Understand how hard it is that H wouldn't talk at all....it's just a really weird dynamic to me but I'm getting a bit more used to it now.... I don't think i changed enough yet either, and that really shows when you interact with each other. keep working on yourself, be the bestgal that you want to be!