Yeah, but Kimmerz, what came first the chicken or the egg?
You say you had to control everything. I'm sure part of this was because you volunteered. Still, how much of this control was necessary to get things done.
My H always had a strong measure of selfishness. He would much rather I put in the effort than have to do it himself. I played my part perfectly and so did he.
I know H felt like he wasn't needed for anything but money. But, that's because of how he thought, not the reality. Other men may feel the same way from time to time, but they don't desert their families.
I also know there was NOTHING I could've done to avoid this crisis. Almost like a psychotic break with reality. The seeds for this crisis were planted long before I was H's wife. No action or feeling or knowledge on my part could've stopped this train. He is doing what he needs to do. I can thank his parents and his genetics if I can blame anything or anyone.
I can also blame his entrenched habit of blaming others before looking at himself.
Truthfully, I think the main thing attracting H to OW was her availability, not any deep unfulfilled need on H's part. She was, quite simply, there. She told him what his 46-yr-old drug addicted a$$ wanted to hear. He took the bait. He chose to take a bite because she offered an escape. I offered reality, with kids, normal marital and family issues--I expected him to DEAL with his demons--H wants to avoid his demons. I expected him to rise to the occasion--H wants to run as fast and as far as he can. I know a part of him knows the truth, I know he doesn't really care about OW, we both know what he needs to do--I know he's in a lot of pain...
Lois B, This post hit so close to home for me and describes EXACTLY how I feel and describes my H's behavior to a T. I just wanted to thank you for articulating so well what I've been feeling. I used to say that I picked up most of the slack in my M because I was "helping" H. I realize now I too volunteered and didn't require more of him than I should have. I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your post very much.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
However my XH addiction is online gaming. World of Warcraft to be exact. Reading about your H and OW is like hearing about my XH and his OW, but just a different addiction. In order to help me understand better, I've read up on addictions!
I have to remind myself that our marriage was pretty good up until that game took over his life. Gaming 18 hours a day. Personality change. And I enabled him...because he was at home infront of me. Not out chopping lines, or shooting up. I was in denial about what an addiction this really was.
Guess what OW is the exact same! Wow Addict. XH is a functional addict. OW is expecting XH to support her 100% financially so she can stay home and game all day. He's refusing to do it, now she's got a job. From what I understand her pay goes to spoiling her kids and not contributing to their finances. It really is a fine mess over there.
At any rate, once you finally get to understanding yourself, your XH, and your dynamic, letting go of all the BS you put up from them with just starts to happen naturally. It doesn't make all the crap that happened OK, but once you understand the dynamics of your tango, It's a relief.! Yet still emotional when you realize things you did, never meant to because you didn't know any better.
Remember WE ARE HUMAN. WE MAKE MISTAKES. WE AREN'T PERFECT. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS AND EMULATE LOVE, IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU.
This is where I am with XH. Im putting all that crap from the past to rest. Im done with it. Im exhausted from it. I understand why it happened. I never wanted that kind of relationship with him in the first place, and I surely don't want that kind of relationship with him now or in the future. Right now I feel like I've done alot of the work I need to do on myself to keep me on my path just going forward.
My XH....he's starting to wake up a bit, but still has work to do. Still has issues to resolve within himself through relationship with OW. I pray he finds his self worth through himself instead of through her and other people. He's a very smart man with many good qualities, he just lost his path. Unfortuneatly when it comes to these sort of things, it takes a serious WAKE UP CALL for XH to see things. He can do it, it just takes him a while, and also it takes him the ability to quit hiding.
Lois - I have read Louise Hay, and thought it was wholly inspirational. I would also recommend 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson.
I also agree, at the risk of sounding arrogant, that there was NOTHING I could have done to stop the crisis. In fact my eldest son [my kids are grown up] felt that his happy stable home life actually delayed my xh's MLC. I don't know . . .
I do know we were very very happy, and he was a wonderful husband and father. Was I perfect? No of course not. perhaps I tried to be a little too hard, but that is another story. One thing I have learned through all of this is to relax more and accept myself [Louise Hay helped here].
I do think some marriages are intrinsically dysfunctional, but others are not. One partner has a MLC and blows it apart. Holly06 who used to post here is an example of a clearly wonderful lady whose xh upped and left her for someone else [I think they have reconciled, but am not sure]
An affair is a form of emotional abuse. I am very clear about that. It is never justified. Sort the marriage out if it is failing, but an affair is never an escape hatch [Read Frank Pittman 'Private Lies' If you google him you will get the sanest article on the folly of affairs I have ever read]
They are broken, and in many cases the remaining spouse is simply a by-stander. This time may be a gift, but at times it feels like a burden! You get through to the other siade as a stronger and more contented person, but I can never [as some poasters are] be grateful that it happened. It blew my life apart, and more important it hurt and damaged my three children. Who could be grateful for that?
The chance to grow though - that is undeniable, and one that I finally embraced!!
Sorry to just jump in but Louise Hay? Which book are you guys talking about? I've ordered DR but I'm looking on something I can get via DD until it arrives.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Beatrice, Just wanted to respond to a couple things that you said that made me think about the whole thing. We had a good marriage as well. We actually talked about it frequently.
I was happy pre MLC. My MLC hit me out of the blue. I sure didnt want it to happen. Sometimes I ponder the question why does it hit some people so hard so that everything is uprooted. There is no answer to that Why question.
Maybe my MLC then was the trigger for my xwifes. Go fiqure but who knows.
It upsets me that my family was pulled apart by this phenomenon but in the end I don't think there was anything I could have done different. To go from a happy, contented person to one full of hate in a matter of a few months still baffles my mind.
If we as a species evolves maybe that is the answer. We are thrown in this internal war with ourselves to make us stronger in the face of things that happen in life. Who knows?
My MLC journey took me from happy, contented to miserable, depressed and then back to basicall the same person but with a few improvements. Maybe that is how its supposed to happen but many seem to screw it up.
My EXW was a wonderful mother for many years as well. Beatrice, I'm glad you can acknowledge the good in him. I think that speaks to where you are.
All the best as your journey continues to healing yourself.
