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Thanks, tvs. Sometimes I don't know what to think or say about my sitch either. Just try to report the facts without guessing what he is thinking.

Sometimes I think I have one of the weirdest sitches here, or maybe everyone feels that way. Seems like just a coupla months ago labug was saying I could be one of the few whose D is busted because my H is still interested in me. And now we are headed for D.

I can't understand the continual drive for physical affection from him when he keeps saying he doesn't want it. I was close to giving in last time. So glad I didn't.

Ladies, I'll use this time to get myself together, research what I need from D settlement.

And I ordered some flower bulbs today for planting to bloom in the spring. It's a passion of mine, I LOVE bulbs. As we all do, I've let some of my hobbies/passions slip and am so glad it's a genuine feeling today, not a forced "I should be doing this now" feeling.

S12 and I are eating a delicious lunch together listening to cheerful Celtic music. There is a beautifully carved pumpkin in the foyer, which he designed freehand. It's a crow with a moon. Really pretty. Life is good.

Oh, and just now a r.e. broker called wanting to know if I could come interview with her! Did I say life was good? Indeed!

Good luck with your interview. Think positive!

Celtic music comes from the heart of the singer. Music has a way of making us feel better in its own way. Listen to it, feel it and allow it to help you heal.

What types of flower bulbs did you order? I'm sure your garden will be beautiful next spring.

Do the research because I want to make sure you are at the top of your game when it comes to settling your assets. I don't like to see anyone taken to the cleaners and left w/little or nothing to survive on.

Great work getting an interview RH. That is a major achievement. It will be good to have your H away for a few weeks too. It will give you a chance to get your thoughts together. You may even realise you don't miss him. Stranger things have happened!

T, I didn't see your post in there! Thanks. I'm moving along and detaching. It feels good.

Snodderly, I got some daffodils (white with orange centers) and purple hyacinths. Last year, the boys dug me a couple of flower beds near our room where we homeschool but I'd been too sad to fill them. Now they'll be a bright spot of color in the spring. And some more tulips for cutting flowers for our greenhouse.

I've always loved bulbs for the very fact they are such delayed gratification. With each bulb I plant I always think of "hope". It's very strong for me.

Gal, I'll make good use of H being gone. Already it seems a relief at the same time I can't wait till he comes back! Aauuggghh!!!

Journaling:

H texted me first thing this morning and after a few texts asked if he could call. We talked a while. He stayed with mutual friends of ours for these first two days of vacation. They have a life much like H wants for us. SAHM with two successful well-behaved boys, successful financially, been married 25+ years, great R so it appears. She keeps herself up physically and they share common interests.

So I wondered how the talk of D would go there (imagining the worst of course) and would I not hear from H for two weeks?

But I felt much interest from H this morning. He asked all about how I was, did I sleep well, etc. I told him about r.e. broker and I said this company was global so that if I got on with them and decided to move away I probably could stay working for them. H became very subdued.

He later sent me a pic of a rainbow which he took (knows I love rainbows) and said more details about plane trip today and he would let me know when he gets there.

When he left here on Monday, we hugged goodbye at the car. There was SO much sexual tension between us. In the past, I used to make sure he went on trips well-satisifed but this time I left him "wanting". That's the term my book "why men love
b!tches" used.

I had really felt on shaky ground this week with not wanting to stand any more. Really just giving up and moving on.

This new attitude from him gives me a tiny bit of hope, although I think my actions shouldn't be any different. And if he comes back and files for D, I don't want to feel crushed like my hope is all for naught.

Why didn't he file Monday? He said he only slept 3 hours the night previous. $3K for his L and $1.5K for mine seem small compared to the 20 grand he's spent this year on his MLC. And it's something he thinks will free him from his misery.

I don't know the answers to these questions. But I do know that stopping ML has been key. I don't know if that would've been the right thing at the beginning of the separation.

Remember, "do what works".

I think things are working for now, as best they can. I'll be sure not to respond quickly to texts from him during this time he is gone. Working on ME and my boys and my career and my home. Yay!!

I don't know rH...just maybe the realities of D, like cost, and that you and S could move away, etc, are "expressing" themselves...? That is not going to be "the same, just D" ? I hope he wakes up. MLC'ers are so stubborn...grrr

I hear you on the shaky ground bit...giving up and moving on crosses my mind as well...it comes in cycles. Then it goes away again. When I get that thought, i sit quietly with it until it passes, finally taught myself to not react quickly to anything these days.



T^2

T, I treasure your posts; I soak up everything you say on all the threads.

Today I don't feel like standing. I'm feeling so DONE with H today! I know we can't go on our day-to-day feelings...just like we don't want our spouses to....but it's SUCH a great feeling! Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. I'll stand anyway, even if I don't feel like it!

H is on this vacation, and of course posted on FB some drinking pics already. His older, first cousin, who ADORES me, and I'm sure has NO idea of what is going on with H & me, posted "what are you doing there, H?". H says, "I'm vacationing with friends, cousin".

I can't imagine a more boring vacation, just drinking all the time with his two guy friends for a week and a half. No wonder H cried every time he mentioned this vacation! I don't even want to let my mind go where evil lurks with alcohol and late night parties and friends that are not in committed R's.

Makes it SO much easier to detach knowing I cut off ML nearly a month ago.

I also can't imagine the emotional mess H will be in when he gets back. I need to be fully ready for anything from him.

Last time I saw him I mentioned I noticed a trembling in his hands in the last month or so. I didn't say anything when I first saw it, which was while we were eating together. But as he was trembling a slight bit while holding me I thought I should mention it. He said he had noticed it and thought it related to alcohol and sleep deprivation. I said that was good because those were both things he could control.

I'm planning a good weekend. Maybe a hike with the boys in a nearby NWR. S12 came running inside a couple of hours ago to point out the migrating sandhill cranes, a big favorite of our family, each fall.

Also, a live concert Sunday evening for me.

For those reading this that are newbies, the nights DO get better. I just look at night now as an obstruction between evening and morning. It's rarely the agony that it had been. I do have a bad one once in a while, but it's not the norm. And when I have a bad day (I felt very melancholy yesterday) I just put stuff off and pamper myself, knowing that the next day will be better.

Hi rH,

Ya, it is ironic how we don't want our WAS to act on their feelings of the moment, but so tempting for us on our side...guess that's why we get to be the mature ones and delay gratification.

That trembling maybe also from anxiety, in addition to the drinking and not sleeping. When W came back to the bed some time ago I would notice that even though asleep her hands and feet would tremble, this correlated to her reported and behavioral anxiety...and it seems they have a lot of that with their minds racing, running, spinning, escaping. At times it was so bad it kept me awake thinking "if I put a quarter in her could I get the whole bed to do that like the old motels from my youth?"

And this is happening now, so I know she's got the anxiety again. Nice to have a "state" measurement without having to actually ask...helps show "giving space".

You sound like you are doing great, and those "done" feelings help us detach and move forward, even if we don't act and wait a bit longer...



T^2

Hey RH, popping by to say hello

Was listening to one of my songs that make me feel better, and thought of you.

From "Right Road Now"-

"So, bring it on
Let the sun come out
Feel the storms
Bursting through your clouds
Now that you're on the road
There's a big heavy load
That I don't have to worry about
I'm on the right road now"

I have a feeling that your H being gone might give you some much needed breathing room from his visits, which always seem to end up being so emotional for both of you.

As long as you stay focused on you, I do believe you're on the right road now

T, thanks for the post. I like that you are always encouraging me to hang on a little longer. I think you sense me slipping toward the edge of giving up. I like also that you always are mixing the funny things with the heavy serious things. Makes it easier to read.

Oh, and thanks for the trembling thoughts, T. Anxiety could be a major issue for him. He told me a couple of days ago via texts, that he has a hard time sleeping at night sometimes because of thinking too much about things.

Tvs, I do think I looked up and listened to the "right road" before that you recommended and like it very much. Doesn't that song also say about kissing on somebody else? Lol! I finally told my hairdresser about what is going on. (she used to cut H's hair too and has cut our boys' hair for many years). She said her aunt used to say "to get over one it takes getting under one". Which I laugh about every time I think about it!

And tvs, I loved the pic of you dancing and singing with the boys in the kitchen! Loved it! Music and lyrics are SO powerful!

Journaling:

H emailed me yesterday afternoon to send me some pics of his trip. Then late last night he texted a couple of times to see if I was awake. I was, but waited an hour to respond. Then we engaged in some texting. He apologized for some "drunken ramblings" on FB. Obviously he was drunk but having a great time and I was happy for him.

I wonder what he'll do when he gets back. Some hints he has dropped show he is still planning on going through with the D, although this is clearly mixed with his reaching out to me.

I thought a lot yesterday about these last few years. It's been since July of 2008 since he woke up one day with the realization he "didn't want to do this any more". There wasn't really a clearly one BD day. More like waves of depression, anger, denial, etc.

Seems like for years I heard about my failings. Then last year started the mental/spiritual separation. And spring brought the physical separation. So now, I'm so tired of "standing". So ready to move on.

But still I see as much as H wants to get rid of me, via D, he still needs me desperately. He has been so much kinder to me. I really feel for some of my sisters and brothers here in their sitches. I am getting a lot of affection from my H.

When he sees me, and I know he wants to ML, its with a lot of tenderness. Last time he saw me he stroked my hair for a long time and told me how and why he loves it.

I still feel a smothering of hardly being able to breathe when I think about going through this D. I know I'll be okay on the other side, but this process is excruciating.

Nevertheless, it IS so much easier with him gone. Do you all think I should follow through with telling him to visit elsewhere with S12 after he comes back? It's so tempting to think, I'll just "put up" with him being here, but that really is "more of the same". I mean this man is D me! And he still wants to hang around! I feel like a mom pushing out a teenager, but that's what I hafta do, isn't it?

rH,
You are already starting to waffle about the boundary you wanted to put into place about him visiting w/your son elsewhere. Stick to the boundary! Your h knows you so well and knows that if he sweet talks you, you will melt in his hands. This man is planning to divorce you!!!! Step up to the plate and respect yourself. The only way he's ever going to respect you is if you keep to your boundaries.

Also, reduce the texting back and forth. How do you know that the amount of texting isn't a way to see what you are doing. It could be his way of keeping tabs on you. If you are in bed or it's time to go to bed, you can respond back to him in the morning. You are not there to be at his beck and call. Trust me, he's not thinking about you when he's out w/his friends and w/his good old buddy...the bottle.

The shaking hands can come from drinking too much, anxiety, being nervous and not eating enough.

rH, have you done the research on the vehicles yet? You can locate the Kelly Blue Book at the library or go on line to get an "estimate" of the worth of the vehicles. Please do not trust your h to be honest w/you when it comes to the final divorce decree date. Others will attest that their spouses promised to take care of them, pay their mortgages, help with education, etc.,...bottom line, they became selfish people and the lbs had to fight for what they were entitled to. Why? Because the mlcer will tell you anything you want to hear just to get what they want. rH...buck up! Set your boundaries and do the research as soon as possible. Also, prepare a spreadsheet of your expenses for you and your family and have it ready because if he's not paying you enough now, you can rest assure when he returns he's going to be back on that kick again about the grocery expenses.

You can constinue to stand and be friendly w/your h, but you have to start thinking of your future w/o him, if he should move forward on the divorce. "Nice" isn't going to put food on the table nor is "ML" going to pay your bills.

I'm sorry if I'm being very blunt this morning, but I see you starting to melt and second guess yourself. You do not want to become a doormat. Give this man space and allow him to miss you...don't answer his every text message.