Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers trying to get her back

Edward...

I'm sorry you are in pain. Having your world turned upside down sukks and there is no easy way through it - you just wake up and deal with it as best you can.

I hope you will continue to vent here.. we have all been there. Similar words have been spoken 100's of times on this board. If you are looking for people who understand.. we are them.

It seems that your letter only caused pressure.. that's what Sandi's rules are so important. At this stage of the game it only matters what is perceived.. intentions are moot.

She has asked you for space and you have yet to give it to her.. so she is making it happen. Support her in this decision. Do NOT contact her on Thanksgiving.

Also - you seem to be spiraling a little bit. I like to call it "The Hamster wheel" Asking yourself the why's and the how's. Trying to make sense of something that you just can't write now.

It will get you no where.

Do me a favor.. find a way to get calm. Some people work out. Some people have those 5 friends they can call at any time to vent.

But figure a way to calm your emotions. Allow time for the water to clear. It's only then you can make decisions to move forward in ways to DB your marriage.

Have you read DR yet?



Are you always this needy in the relationship? She wanted to get the implants for herself and you turned it into "but what about me?" Can you see how she would perceive that? Because that's not at all attractive.



Have you been giving her time and space or have you been clingy/ needy?



Wow, you sound really confused. First, why do you "need to move on"? Are you done with the M? It sounds like you want to work on the M. Second, it's a GOOD sign that she said she doesn't want S or D. She's giving you time, use it to work on yourself and show her you can change. Third, don't push for D if you don't want it, because you WILL get it.



So you're the perfect husband? You have no faults in the M at all? Seriously, if you were perfect she wouldn't have lost interest. You need to figure out what you're doing wrong and do 180's on those things. And you've got to continue with those changes for months until they become a permanent part of you. And you need to have PATIENCE, it is going to take a lot of time for her to regain her interest in you. Months. DB is about changing YOURSELF to bring your spouse back, it's not about how to trick her into returning. Are you prepared to take a hard look at yourself and figure out what needs to be changed?



If you do then keep it short. Just call and say "Hi W, just wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you're enjoying it." Make some small talk and tell her you need to go.



That's typical. Don't expect to hear it again for quite a while.



No, it is not. It was just a "backslide". Have you read about backslides in DR? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward. Learn from your mistakes.

It amazes me how many people come here talking about how badly they want to save their marriage, yet they can't bring themselves to read one book about it. Not sure if that's the case with you, but if so, that's where you need to start. All the tools are in DR. Get it. Read it over and over again. Live it.

I know I have faults and I am struggle to with them. I know I am co-dependent, one of my problems is that I do not show anger, this is one thing she complained about. I know she did not get the breast for me, I understand that. I have been read through this book, and struggle to keep that expectations for myself. I know I have problems, and I am in therapy now, trying to figure them out, why i do what I do. I know this must be hard for her to, but she is really making it look easy and that is what is killing me.

I call her, she did not answer, just left a message saying hope you are have a nice day. This is the best i could do.

The other she sends me am email, "when will you be able to talk"
best,W. I am thinking are you kidding me!, 4 months I have been trying to talk to you and you have you ask me this question. " Are you kidding me. But I did not respond that way, I was much more polite.

Edward, you have to change that attitude or YOU are going to totally ruin any chance of R with her!

I hope she wants to talk about moving back home....but if she sees you acting like this, why in the world would she want to?

You can't afford to act all mad and up in the air with her. That sure isn't attractive! She needs to see you with new & improved behavior/attitude. Coming on like a hot head will not give her much desire to move back.

I realize you are very upset with her, but she has reasons for feeling like she does, right? You know you have not been easy to live with. And I can tell you this much....it would be very rare for a woman to leave a man who is giving her what she needs. That means filling her emotionals needs b/c if she doesn't get that need met....the other things don't hold up very well. Do you know what I mean? But I can't help but wonder if you are so insecure that you can't do that b/c you are always thinking about your needs. It has to be a two-way street. However, right now.....you better be thinking about how you can attract your W again, if you really want her.

Calm yourself before you respond to her, and give yourself a big pep-talk before meeting with her.

Yes I understand, I did not respond in a viscous way, called her to say hello, and hope she well. I understand that I am not the great person, I have been talk to my therapist about that, My insecurity and why I have been such a difficult person to be with, I relieve all this time I have been looking at what I was doing not what I was not doing. I glad the she wants to talk, I love her. I want her back, I am not going to be pushy, I will keep our conversation to daily activities, and if she wants to go back to therapy with me I will let her decide, but how to a ask that question?

If she is a WAW, she may not have the desire to work on the M right now. Although you feel that it is urgent to get her to go with you to therapy...you must not plead with her to do it.

In DB, the LBS learns that the work is put on him. She may not be at the point of working, so it's all on you. That means you have to find the strength and courage to not depend upon her for anything. It means that you may have to stop thinking of you being a couple....and start looking at yourself as an individual who needs to make a lot of changes. Hopefully, making those changes will encourage your W to think seriously about going home.

But here's the thing, Edward, you can't give her promises of how you will be better. That doesn't work. She probably doesn't want to hear it! If anything will work, it will be for her to see your changes with her own eyes. After she sees the changes, then the next step will be for her to see that the changes are real....and not a gimmick to get her back. Next, she will need to see that those changes actually stuck. So, that takes quite some time for her to be convinced you’ve really changed. Then the next step will be her deciding if she can trust you to keep those good changes “if” she moves back home. She will be leery that you might return to the way you were when she left.

Do you see why this takes time? Can you agree that it can’t be done in a few days? Do you agree that the work is for you? Because if you can’t agree about that part….it is doubtful you will succeed.

This doesn’t mean the woman didn’t have a part in the breakdown of the MR, but you can’t expect her to willingly step up and start making amends. She left you b/c she is very unhappy, and she won’t return if it’s based on her changing. Hopefully, after she comes home, your changes will cause her to work at improving herself, too. But you can’t expect her……or TELL her that she has to do such & such b/c you are doing this & that. It just doesn’t work in your favor when you tell a WAW what she needs to do for the M.

The “talk” she wants to have with you……may not be positive. You may get another bomb. I hope not, but if you go in pushing her about the relationship…..I can promise, she is going to throw another bomb on you! So what do you do? You listen to what she says. You let her talk! SHE called the meeting, not you. That means she has something to tell you……….it doesn’t mean she called it to hear what YOU have to say. Understand?

A woman needs to respect her H before she can feel in love with him, but she won’t if you don’t act like a man who deserves respect. You can’t afford to let your emotions get out of control with her. Stay calm, listen to what she says, and speak softly…but with confidence. CONFIDENCE is one of the most attractive things about a man, in the eyes of women. Confidence is very sexy! I’m not talking about a “show-off” b/c that’s not attractive to women, but true confidence can’t be beat.

Why am I talking about confidence right now? Because you can’t be clingy, needy, pleading, etc.… and be confident. If she sees any acts of desperation, she will be turned off! I realize you don’t “feel” it right now, but you can start by not doing those things I mentioned. Start by believing you are going to be okay….with or without her. She needs to see that you have had an awakening and that you intend to be happy.

You have a lot of work cut out for you. It’s not easy, but if you believe your M is worth the work…..and if YOU are worth improving the man you are now, then go for it! What do you have to lose?

I agree with the you Sandi2, yesterday was hard I waited all day for a phone call, would of been happy with just a text saying hi but i got nothing, so now I wait....
I am returning back from work in a few days, but have not told her. I am waiting for her to ask me. But i do not think she will.
I am coming to realize that we are no longer a couple and I am no longer part of her life. And the hurts.
I know she will not come home because we are selling our house,(may I add a house that she wanted, she does want be there anymore because it is not a "cool" place, that is what she told me) Anyway.. I need to stop thinking like that.
I am struggle to change myself, my family has been very supportive trying to keep my mind off my W, (they all miss her too) My therapist, who has been very helpful, has told me that I should see a psychiatrists, because I to have a very negative view on the world and seem to very depressed, (She told me that it is very self centered to think that things that are out of my control happen to me because of "me", which was a kind of a shock to me because I never saw myself as self-centered, but this is something I am looking into and does affect my confidence as a person, I am trying to change that view.)
I will wait to she if she calls me and I will listen to what she has to say, if she is willing to see the therapist again great. But I do not want her to do it for me, I want her to do it for us, just need to wait and see I need to stop wondering about what she is doing and who she is with, I know that will help me in my day to day life.

Now 4 days since W said she wanted to talk, but have not hear from her. Questions going through my head is she still alive, did she have a change of plans, maybe she just asked to see if I would jump at the opportunity, is she or was she messing with me, because she know i would not be available. Is it so hard just to stay ok when you be available. This so much I need to go over, the sell of the house what to do with all the stuff we have, have to start doing something or at least being a plan. this is making me crazy.