I've sadly been through that with her and know her patterns/behaviors.
And she knows that you know her behaviors….
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I'm not sure how to bring up the parenting plan with out sounding like I'm trying to start planning how to separate.
You do not have to bring up a full blow parenting plan…maybe just book a few weekends for yourself and then let her know that you will be busy and COULD she watch the baby.
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I've felt like I had to spend every minute researching divorce, parenting, and DB. I was talking with my sister last night and she nailed it... The answer isn't in this computer. No ammount of Googling will fix my situation. It's time to go do things for me. I started to yesterday. Son and I spent the day with my parents. We went shopping, helped winterize their camper, etc. I need to allow myself time for reading R books, etc. But spending all my time focusing on it and reading a book 2 days faster isn't going to magically fix this situation.
Separate doing for YOU and being a DAD. You also need to “me” time..so do me a favor can you list 3 things that you want to do for strickly you and when you plan to do them.
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When I got up I passed her in the hall and said, "'morning!" with a smile. She glared up at me and said, "yes. it is." as she stormed by.
Maybe try not saying a word to her. You may be coming across as if you are acting, which is not what you want.
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I guess in an odd way, I don't realy care. I didn't even have the desire to ask why she was mad... nor did I think it would be a good idea even if I did care to.
Gonna come a time when you really do not give a chit. It’s okay to not really care about why she was mad. Really this is what she wanted, if she’s mad because if it, nothing you can really do about it except stay out of the way.
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She changed her Facebook timeline cover today. It was one of my favorite pictures of her stepdad and I with S. Now it's a picture of some building by a bar.
This hurts surprisingly more than I think it should.
If it didn’t hurt I would be surprised. Look ignore it dude, she is doing what SHE feels she needs to do. Don’t even spend any time trying to dissect it..”did she do it to show me”…”is she trying to send me a message”, “does she want me to say something”…if you are thinking like that, change it. It really is a waste of time.
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She's barely speaking to me now. I've stopped bringing up any conversations that don't have to do with our son.
Yep…she will continue to pull back. You may want to pull closer but I suggest not to. She just may be testing you to see if you are going to pursue her. I would not. Detach…detach…detach..
Chin up bud!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Separate doing for YOU and being a DAD. You also need to “me” time..so do me a favor can you list 3 things that you want to do for strickly you and when you plan to do them.
Thanks for your detailed response, Eric. It really helps. I'll come up with these. Great advice.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I responded back to her email asking to talk tonight. Her message also mentioned that she didn't like the soup she had for lunch and she'd only been eating tofu lately.
My response: "Only tofu? That doesn’t sound very good.
We’ll have to play it by ear for a talk tonight. I’m pretty pooped from the busy weekend and was thinking about getting some sleep tonight."
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
SG keep an eye open and monitor her from afar like you have been doing. I'm like you in that I have no gut feeling there's an OM but I would also say it's not impossible.
Eric has given you some excellent advice. As far as talking to her tonight if you aren't ready then you have to tell her you aren't ready. I'm sure you are emotionally exhausted right now. Do your best to shrug off when she is mad and don't always assume it's about you. It does you no good to walk around on eggshells. Do not let her mood dictate your mood. If she isn't happy that is her problem not yours. She is responsible for her own happiness just like you are responsible for your own.
The best advice I can give is for you to detach ASAP. The sooner you do that the better off you will be.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
W came home last night around 10PM. I had finally drifted off to sleep a few minutes prior and was woken by her opening the front door. I spent the next hour or so trying to get rid of the worst anxiety I’ve had so far.. and trying to stop my brain from drifting to all the possible things she could have been doing while she was out.
This morning we carpooled to work again. She wouldn’t stop talking. She actually told me, “I’m going to keep talking. I can’t sit in this car with you in silence again. If that’s not ok with you, drop me off at a bus stop.”
She asked that I get up with S tomorrow morning. I told her that I don’t have a problem doing that, but she needs to not wake me when she comes home. I need my sleep as well. I may have made a mistake saying this… she made the suggestion that she’ll just stay in the guest bedroom downstairs when she comes home late. At least she was on the same floor when she was sleeping on the couch. And as much as I hated having my sleep interrupted, I could keep an eye on her behaviors.
W told me she was mad that I didn’t respond to her texts on Saturday in a reasonable amount of time. I told her I was having Daddy & Son time and that I would let her know if something went wrong. She said that it wasn’t fair to use our Son to prove a point. She believed that I was trying to prove to her that I could care for S. I let her know that that wasn’t the case and that I was busy with S and wasn’t by my phone as much as normal.
She told me that on Sunday morning she tried to go to a car show with S. She got there and was so overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, and crying, that she left. That was the same crying I saw when I left the house Sunday morning. She said she was mad at me for leaving on Sunday morning because she was having a panic attack, hyperventilating, and I just walked out to leave her with S. I didn’t even have a chance to respond before she moved onto her next point: She said that she spent about 3+ hours crying with S on Sunday.
She said she emailed her mom yesterday to let her know there’s “trouble in paradise.” She said her mom told her she was there for her, but advised that the first years of marriage are difficult, especially with a baby. W said she got frustrated because “it’s not like she hasn't been thinking about this for months!!”
W said she’s lost 5 pounds in the last week. She’s barely eating and is drinking more.
I feel sad this morning. I so badly wanted to give W a hug and somehow make her pain go away. I’m holding back tears as a type this.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Separate doing for YOU and being a DAD. You also need to “me” time..so do me a favor can you list 3 things that you want to do for strickly you and when you plan to do them.
Do you have that list of 3 things yet?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Separate doing for YOU and being a DAD. You also need to “me” time..so do me a favor can you list 3 things that you want to do for strickly you and when you plan to do them.
Do you have that list of 3 things yet?
1. Saturday - I'm going to a concert for a band I loved back in highschool. My W has had a gathering with her ex-step-mom scheduled for this day for weeks, so I asked my parents to watch S overnight.
2. Tonight - I'm grabbing a very quick dinner and then I'm hopping on the motorcycle. I think I only put 3 tanks of gas in it this summer... it's time to put some miles on it. 1300cc's of rumbling exhaust should help clear my head. I plan to stop by a friend's and chill on his deck with his boss/friend. It'll be nice to chat with someone new. I haven't been out and met new people in a while.
3. uhhh
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I was struggling on a third and it just popped in my head out of nowhere. I've never shot a real gun. I want to go to a range with my sister's BF. I think it'd be a blast. I'm working to schedule that now.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
That sounds good. WHen I was going through this crap I went shooting for the first time. What a blast.
Have fun dude!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
W came home last night around 10PM. I had finally drifted off to sleep a few minutes prior and was woken by her opening the front door. I spent the next hour or so trying to get rid of the worst anxiety I’ve had so far.. and trying to stop my brain from drifting to all the possible things she could have been doing while she was out. [color:#3366FF][/color] This is normal SG and in time I promise you will stop thinking like this. When my sitch started last year I thought the same way. It gets better trust me. If it doesn't then it's time to talk to your doctor and maybe go on some meds. There is no shame in it.
This morning we carpooled to work again. She wouldn’t stop talking. She actually told me, “I’m going to keep talking. I can’t sit in this car with you in silence again. If that’s not ok with you, drop me off at a bus stop.”
I see this as good! She wants to talk to you so why not talk to her? Friendly talk just like when you were dating. Not everything has to be a serious conversation. When is the last time you made her laugh?
She asked that I get up with S tomorrow morning. I told her that I don’t have a problem doing that, but she needs to not wake me when she comes home. I need my sleep as well. I may have made a mistake saying this… she made the suggestion that she’ll just stay in the guest bedroom downstairs when she comes home late. At least she was on the same floor when she was sleeping on the couch. And as much as I hated having my sleep interrupted, I could keep an eye on her behaviors.
i don't think you made a mistake. You can't watch her 24/7 and you will drive yourself crazy in the process. I advised you to be aware of her behavior not stand around the corner spying on her.
W told me she was mad that I didn’t respond to her texts on Saturday in a reasonable amount of time. I told her I was having Daddy & Son time and that I would let her know if something went wrong. She said that it wasn’t fair to use our Son to prove a point. She believed that I was trying to prove to her that I could care for S. I let her know that that wasn’t the case and that I was busy with S and wasn’t by my phone as much as normal.
I think you handled that very well. Hopefully you keep it short and sweet?
She told me that on Sunday morning she tried to go to a car show with S. She got there and was so overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, and crying, that she left. That was the same crying I saw when I left the house Sunday morning. She said she was mad at me for leaving on Sunday morning because she was having a panic attack, hyperventilating, and I just walked out to leave her with S. I didn’t even have a chance to respond before she moved onto her next point: She said that she spent about 3+ hours crying with S on Sunday.
She said she emailed her mom yesterday to let her know there’s “trouble in paradise.” She said her mom told her she was there for her, but advised that the first years of marriage are difficult, especially with a baby. W said she got frustrated because “it’s not like she hasn't been thinking about this for months!!”
W said she’s lost 5 pounds in the last week. She’s barely eating and is drinking more.
I feel sad this morning. I so badly wanted to give W a hug and somehow make her pain go away. I’m holding back tears as a type this.
It's ok to feel sad SG but IMHO it's a bit unfair for to tell you she is mad that you left. You are not a mind reader and from what I recall reading from your posts she wants space correct? If she is feeling the way she is feeling that is for her to deal with since she is the one who wants to end things. Did you abandon her in the past when she needed you? If I recall you really don't know the issues for her wanting to end the M this time? Trust me I understand how you feel but she has to deal with these feelings herself unless she wants to come to you herself. If she brings this subject up again you could try apologizing and then try telling her that if she gets like that again that she can come to you. Let her initiate the relationship talks. Go back and read the books again the are very valuable right now.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
