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Thank you for your great questions, Tori.

Somehow, once H was firmly back home (or so it seemed), I gradually reverted to my old self which he perceives as very controlling. I see it more as me being involved and in trying to make the sitch less anxiety-provoking for me. In other words, a lot of what H calls controlling is me trying to soothe myself (which doesn't really work). For example, I get stressed if he's running late even if it has nothing to do with me. I then get on his case so I can feel less stressed. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Anyway, to answer your question, the risk factors during these past few years were definitely back: me nagging, no WOA, no physical touch, lots of arguments...

As for now, I am on the right track but I do think that I need to keep leaning back (a la Tumbling). It is early days with me getting back on track and I really need to keep it up this time and live with feeling anxious.

H is comfortable with a lot more silence and space than I am. I remember on our first driving holiday through the lakes in Italy, at one point he asked if we could drive in silence for a change. I was really shocked but he actually finds it perfectly natural and relaxing not to chat for long periods of time. I know he's crazy about the kids and yet he doesn't seem to need much contact with them. Having said that, I've just received a photo on my cell of D15 in the train from him. They are probably both doing their own thing (reading/on laptops..) but H will be enjoying being in her presence and he loves sharing stuff about the kids with me. I need to capitalise on that.

I know from D15 that the rounders tournament ends at 3 so I'm sure he'll be back in time. Not asking him is part of not always being the one who is one step ahead of him. I will mention it in a text though at some point today or I'm sure he'll call to tell me about D15's playing so I can bring it up then.

H just phoned to tell me his expedition with D15 (as I expected) and I asked if we were still on for tonight. Maybe I shouldn't have phrased it that way. H said "What do you mean? I hope so". I asked if he'd confirmed it and he hadn't. This restaurant always requires it so he was going to call them and call me back. I asked him what time we were due to be there and he didn't know.

V typical of H to not pay attention to the details. It's just that kind of thing that gets us in trouble: me annoyed and him feeling that I'm critical and controlling. Let's hope that we are going out tonight!

Haven't heard back from him yet. Might be a bad sign re the booking.. I'll try not to sound too disappointed. Aaargh.

Wendylon, I think it's great you've poinpointed the behavior that produces strain in your R. By doing this, you've taken the first step toward eliminating all the risk factors. However, what risk factors are there related to your H's behavior? It would be good to pinpoint that too, bc at some point in the future, when your R is on a definite healing track, you will have to have a conversation about this.

Don't feel bad for phrasing the question the way you did. I think it was fine. What I would not do is ask him if he confirmed the reservation, bc then you're coming across as controlling, and assuming he can't take care of the reservation. Result: he feels inadequate--not good. Just let him do it, and if he made a mistake and you can't go to that restaurant, then too bad for him. He can suggest another place--again, let him handle this.

Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.

Thank you v much, Tori.

You are absolutely spot on: me saying something that allows H to think that I think he's inadequate is a huge thing. I guess I would need to let go of specific outcomes such as going to the restaurant I want to go to and make him not feeling criticised the main goal.

We are going out tonight. It's all confirmed. I don't know if he'll refer to my first (real) birthday fiasco. I won't bring it up and just try to keep the evening fun. I will listen and validate.

As for things H could do that would improve my sense of security, that (sadly) is a long list. I think I'm better off focusing on needing less reassurance from him though. He is a v self-absorbed, in the clouds sort of person, with limited capacity to follow through and hold on to details. He's a 'dreamer' and I'm an 'accountant' (not literally).

Wendylon
SNAP - I do the exact same thing - saying things that makes H think he's inadequate. I will join you on that 180 too! Have you read How to fix your marriage without talking about it? Its all about THAT one.

I'm happy for you that you are going out tonight and that he got it all figured out by himself. Just ENJOY. Don't forget to thank him at the end - I'm sure you won't but it will re-enforce his success.

Made me laugh the "accountant" title. I have a greetings card that is a picture of a man and a woman doing paperwork and she is holding up a long list. And underneath is written "And this is a list of all the times you were wrong"!!!!

Enjoy your "birthday" evening.

Wendylon, considering the time difference, your b-day dinner must be over--or maybe not? Just kidding.

You now know what you need to do. I think most women become "moms" to their husbands, and we usually want things done a certain way, while most H's don't really care much about the details. I made the same mistake with my H.

Your description of your H includes a lot of ADD traits. My coach said over 70% of the people she talks to have spouses with ADD. It goes to show you that opposites attract. I think I was first drawn by my H's carefree, jovial attitude; he was always joking around, and was so different from me. I think success in this type of R is possible as long as you find a way to adapt to each other early in the game.

Hope you had fun tonight.

Thank you very much for your insights, Tumbling and Tori.

Tori, I hadn't thought about my H having ADD traits. That's interesting. I certainly think of him as having ASD traits. Which bits make you think ADD?

Dinner out was really nice. No R talk, no mention of it being my 'birthday take two'. We just chit-chatted and had a relaxing time. We both really enjoyed the food and--Tumbling--I did thank him several times It's where he would like me to take him out for his bday so I booked for early Jan. It makes me think that he thinks we'll still be together by then but he probably doesn't think like that.

He has said to me twice in the last few months that we should stick it out until D15 leaves for university and then assess whether or not we really want to be together. Maybe that's still his plan. At least it gives me lots of time to change his idea of me as a controlling, critical and nagging wife.

At one point, I even looked at him at diner and could remember why I fell for him in the first place. I haven't felt like that in a long time. Paradoxically, that hasn't stopped me from pursuing him though. I'm not sure why feeling off him hasn't helped with detaching--on the contrary.

Again, in bed this morning there was a little current affairs chat. Well, he held forth and I listened. It reminded me of our earlier days. Of course, he jumped out of bed first to make himself a cup of tea. There has been no physical contact between us in so long that I can't imagine that side of things ever resuming. Talking in bed on weekend mornings has to be a step in the right direction though. In the evenings, he usually comes up late, once I'm asleep. He sleeps very far away from me in the bed.

It's now 1 pm and he has just headed out. The excuse is to buy a socket but I don't expect him back until 6-7pm. That has been the usual pattern on Sundays. He'll undoubtedly have had a drink or two as well and who knows about whether or not an OW is in the picture.

I'm still so grateful for the people on this board. I do feel that I'd be in a better place in my M if I hadn't let things slide once H seemed home. I can't get over how easily I reverted to my old ways. Obviously, he's not going to trust that I've changed since he's known me to revert to type before. He does sometimes refer to the short period when I 'behaved'. He doesn't quite phrase it that way but that's the gist of it.

H got back at 6pm. I guess that is positive in that it's the early side of things for him on a Sunday. No mention of what he's been up to. I can tell he's had a couple of drinks but he seems in a good mood and has fixed our dishwasher. The good thing is that I didn't think about him much this afternoon.

Hi Wendylon, coming by to see how you are. (((( )))) glad to read you didn't think about him much because i hope that means you had a good Sunday :-)

So thrilled to see another baby step! Keep it up. Remember no expectations. That one is hard for me.