Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So here's my story part 2

Oh, and my H said many, many times, "I'm sorry I'm putting you through this." This statement made me the victim--not a good role. If she says this to you again, communicate that you choose to be patient, stay with her, and that you're not a victim. Don't say it directly, but convey it. If she sees you as a victim, she will feel in control, and the dynamics of the current sitch will continue.

Hi Afa, i just wanted to pop over and say thank you for all your encouragement and support yesterday in the midst of your own struggles. you are such a kind and caring person. i think the coaching is a great idea if you can do it.

i just posted this quote by melody beattie on my thread and wanted to be sure that you saw it.

"Surrendering means doing nothing about whatever you can't do anything about. try not to stare at it either. Do something else, something you can do. try to relax, just a little. If you must do something say 'thy will be done' and mean it."

i am working on it myself i think it fits with SD's mantra "isn't that interesting?" and with getting back on the blanket.

hope you feel more peace today afa (((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))

Thank you my trio of supporters at this time. 8)
I did sleep well, due to shear exhaustion.
I still had lots of low mood most of this day, yet have been positively busy at work which has helped distract me as well as give me more time to process everything (including sitting with the pain -- I'm thinking of the neg thoughts on purpose to see what's there, but not too much because I don't want to overly obsess / torture myself). My PMA is better, then again, I'm not home. I believe I have enough to rebuild.

I'll add more later on. I've been working on / I need a POA - Plan of Action --> for me.

NG, I really like Melody. I've been using her Grattitude towards 40 days of a miracle. Uncanny, but enjoyable.

Tori, negative future thoughts in the sense of if we D, she'll have to share the kids, holidays will be tough, if "we" ever make it to the point of working on R, it will be too difficult, fear she'll never be happy enough (with anyone, including herself). Some script? Some truth? Probably a little both.

Arsene, thank you for joining in on my sich. I welcome everyone's input, and I think distance will be needed, more so to protect myself. I doubt I'll do it this week as it's my "w/e" to go out and I don't wanna miss my kiddos too much (at least while I do have them in my home). Probably the following week for at least a few days. We'll see what happens between now and then. It's nice to have a "free" backup / safe place to go.

Again, I'll be posting more / seeking help later on in developing my POA 8)

Thank you all so much. I'd be a lot more lost and devastated without you all.

((((( )))))

Afa
Sorry to hear how last night was for you. Wretched.
I wanted to echo something you wrote ^^^^^^
I don't know where it came in to - but I'm thinking it came into your head - unbidden - because I don't think you felt fine so it wasn't a conscious thought. I believe this is your inner knowing confirming to you that you will be OK.
And you know what? You will be.
We all will be - because we already are (bit deep for a Monday, Tumbling - sorry)

I agree that removing your Self from the sitch for a little while - to folks house - is an opportunity for you to regroup etc so take it, even if it's just for a long w/e. Just don't dwell as Melody suggests.

Looking forward to seeing the POA/PMA.

Thinking of you (((())))

Her negative thoughts sound just like what my H used to say a year ago. Just listen...don't try to argue with her thoughts/feelings. She's very confused now. Those negative thoughts are the reason she doesn't have hope for the M. How to change that? No way other than by focusing on yourself and letting her get to the other end on her own.

You're managing very well...Kudos to you!

Thanks Tumbling and Tori
You each seem to post right when I need it.
As far as the POA, still in its rough draft form - working ob typing on a coy instead of my phone.
Give Jody, a heads up I'll be scheduling soon.

Day / night ended well. PMA was ever present, genuinely, not so much faking it. Exercise is so ridiculously helpful and seeing results is even better. I'll be using the no pain, no gain analogy to my emotional growth. Feeling the burn and growing from it. I've dimmed down with W.
She did vent some that her grandmother berated her again, I think using white again, as well as her own mom shaming her for "putting me through this". She hates that they put me on such a high "pedestal" and admitted that's driving her away from me / to be independent. Grandmother watched our kids for a few this afternoon, hence the verbal attack on W; and W was intending on going off / setting her straight when she returned. Fortunately the grandmother left and didn't give W a chance. I simply listened and validated what I could. So that's it for now. I'll check some other threads and talk with you all tomorrow.

My POA is being interrupted by my W so to speak.
This am, she's running late as ususal. She looked rough again.
She shared that last night was the first night in awhile she hadn't had to get up to go pee due to her whatever med scenario that's going on. She actually went to the doctor yesterday b/c of increased pain again, and they gave her some overactive bladder med. Guess it worked. So anyway, despite not having to urinate frequently she couldn't sleep I guess, b/c she said something along the lines of "it's not easy when everyone hates you (me)" Again, I simply validated that statement of hers.

Shortly thereafter, I have received a text complaint from her about how the physical pain has crept back, how she's overstressed with work, she is annoyed with her family's response towards her actions, and how co-workers not totally in the loop are making comments about how "she always looks exhausted."

Then I receive this email. editing --
Hey,
I have this session on Saturday from 8:00-2:15 so I’ll probably be gone from 7:40-3. Do you have plans on Saturday? I will ask my dad if you do. I understand that it’s your weekend, but I didn’t want to ask dad and you be upset that I didn’t ask you first.

Also, on Tuesday, October 30 I have an EVENT reception in NEARBY from 4:30-7:30. Is it possible for you to CHANGE WORK SCHEDULE from Thursday instead of Tuesday that week? I can ask SIL to watch them and be at the house by four if you have plans.

Friday November 16 and Saturday the 17th WORK CONFERENCE. It falls on what I guess would be my weekend anyway. Feel free to check it out at WEBSITE if you don’t believe me.

Minor hate rant:

I hate this email, I hate this, I hate us, I hate what we have become, I hate the decisions that are going to have to be made, and I hate not knowing whether I’ll be happy with them either way, I hate that either way people get hurt, I hate that I’m the cause of hurt now. I hate that I can cry at the drop of a hat.

So obviously, I'm not going to immediately respond to Any of This yet. I'm not panicky. I'm more dumbfounded I guess.

Thoughts / guidance?

afa75...i am sending you a huge hug (((()))) i understand you hate rant. I feel it....i think its good you let it out.

Take some time to collect your emotions and thoughts. none of it seems like you need to respond today or even tomorrow. take care of you first and foremost right now.



Thinking of you ((((( )))))

I'll take the hug 8)

The rant was W's...not mine

I thought it was your W's rant, bc it follows her tone of feeling hopeless and trapped. I would say, take your time to reply, but why not just talk about this? It seems it's a matter of her schedule being frantic, and she's asking for collaboration. I would be flexible and exchange weekends of whatever (if it doesn't inconvenience you.) The kids come first, right?

I would ignore the hate rant. She's looking for attention and comfort, but she's decided to let go of you as a H, so the comfort goes away too. Basically, let her see the consequences of her actions.

The family berating her is NOT good. Maybe you guys should keep your stuff private. Well-intentioned family members just make things worse. In my case, people who knew my H and I, and even the MC "sided" with me (my H's term.) That made him distance himself from me (and from them) even more, and have the perception that the M was over.

Might not have a chance to check in till tomorrow, so I hope the rest of your day goes well...

Will give Jody the heads up.