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Very good advice!!

It will pass. Just not as quickly as we would like.

(((((NG)))))

Ugh. I'm sorry. And no, you can't share a lawyer.

How are you tonight NG? ((((( )))))

hi everyone...

thank you for the support and encouragement. she wanted the lawyer to draw up the papers on both of our behalf since we have already agreed to everything.. and told me that by paying half, that would protect me..

i made it clear that i will not pay for her lawyer and that paying for half of her lawyer does not "protect" me in any way..

anyhow.... i am nervous to write the next part in that i did not DB at all today... W had to come over to figure out some tax/condo stuff.

and I basically told her that i felt that her last letter, saying that she did not really love me during the M, was not what really happened... that i believe that she felt rejected bc of mistakes i made and mistakes she made related to both of our past history and "stuff" we carried from our past.. i said that the D is not final, that we are family to each other, that our M deserves more..

she did not offer up much in reply.. she cried a bit, but made it clear with her silence that she is staying on this path..

early on in the conversation, she said that i had not changed, that i am patronizing bc i had verbalized my concern about other people impacting her during the negotiations... i apologized for my part.. and also explained my thinking which led to her taking responsibility for her part of the interaction. (but it did signal something for me to work on within myself)

so she is on the path to D.. and i think she stays angry with me as a way to not deal with her real feelings..

I am trying to tell myself that saying or not saying something does not make a difference right now while she is with OW.. she is not open.... but i guess i hope that at some point if she is ready, something i said today will slip in...

I realize that i am bouncing around a lot lately... dim one day and then talking about R the next.. i am lacking consistency for sure and i need to find that for the next part of this journey.

it is six months from when she files to when it can be over... and even then, a piece of paper does not make it over... it is over for me when i am ready to say it is... and i am still fighting for her, for us, for now.

After yesterday, this was the text exchange from last night:

ME: I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable today. Please stop me next time I start to make a complete fool of myself

W: You didn't make a fool of yourself. I am so sorry you are hurting. You didn't make me feel uncomfortable either.

ME: Thank you you are sweet

W (4 hours later): You will always be a part of me, my family. I know things haven't worked out how we thought but I do care about you.

ME: You too. Thank you.


JOURNAL:

I am really hurting, feeling hopeless about my sitch this morning and having trouble seeing any bright side. I went out to an Oktoberfest last night with some good friends and I am going biking with a friend this morning even though nothing sounds good right now.

I feel like I am too far along in time to be hurting like this but I am here and hopefully it is just a wave and will pass soon. I am supposed to receive some papers from her L this week. Should it bother me that she is doing it this week and my birthday is this coming saturday?

I need to get back on the blanket.

The bright side is, tomorrow will come.

I feel like I am too far along in time to be hurting like this but I am here

I said much the same thing to a friend last week. We feel how we feel and we know it will pass. But it's not like a light switch.

It's grief, all we can do is keep moving forward. You've had a lot of contact with her the last week or so. That stirs things up.

Have fun on your bike ride.

Thank you for normalizing where I am at Bug. It really helps bc sometimes I just think there is something wrong with me that I still feel so much pain about this.. but it is a big huge grief wound that keeps getting opened up. I forget that in the past few weeks, she has moved back here to be with OW, she has moved forward with the D process, contact due to taxes/etc.... When I look at it that way, I feel more comfortable being where I am at. Thank you Bug!

I hope you have a good day too Bug!

(((NG)))
I think what you may be grieving is the dying of "hope". All along we have hope that something will change and bring them back to us. Somethings it does but sometimes it doesn't. However, that does not diminish us.

We are better than we were and will be happy again. It may be with someone else and it will be better than before because of our growth and enlightenment.

You are a wonderfully kind person. God has special plans for you.

Hey NG,
I've read many inspirational, encouraging, and just plain wonderful posts you have made for many others on here. I'm sorry to hear of the current state of your sich, as well as happy to hear you have some good friends and a ride planned for today.
There's plenty of room on the blanket at the picnic with much mutual support from all of us.
Try to have a good day.