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Don't forget...you are amazing RH...but don't forget to stay off the rollercoaster.

Snodderly, i continue to crave your advice. I long for H to be the mature man also. I do appreciate that up to now he hasn't spent more $ than he has and I'm looking forward to getting my name off his stuff.

T^2, I can't imagine my floundering ways to be helpful but so glad they are. It does generate good discussion.

ammc, I love walking too, but the mountain bike really thrills me. . I tried to remember the "diamonds" pic each time my children talked to me yesterday. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my sitch......trying not to.

Hopeful, thank you ....I continue to need to be reminded to give him space. He is searching so desperately and the demons that haunt him from his childhood or adulthood... It's really not his fault. He just has to be the man now and deal with them.

Gal, ever the practical one!!! I tend to be a little melodramatic sometimes so need to bring my feet down to earth. Yes! Staying off the roller coaster, I hope!!

Journaling:

H came by midday yesterday. He didn't say what I thought he would, but lately he never does.

He said he visited with L and was prepared to file yesterday morning but balked at the price of the D. He wants to find a way to do it cheaper since now he has to foot the cost of the bill.

He wanted to cuddle with me, which we did a while then I realized he really wanted to ML (still very baffling to me) so I cut the cuddling short.

He said our SUV and mustang are a wash with price of the Mercedes so we just have a Camry worth about $15K that S19 drives to college. I hadn't realized it was worth that much. H wanted a few tools and then just the spousal support amount and for how long is the biggest issue and I don't think we are too far apart on that.

He leaves today for his 2-week vacation trip and was telling me worries/details about that. Also a few details about recent parties he has been to.

I always thought people on the verge of D hated each other. I guess there are other reasons to D. I smelled alcohol on his breath and he said he had wine with lunch. I found it super strange he didn't have a beer when we went out to eat two nights ago. It was a nice sports bar and we always have a beer (he has two) with our sandwiches. And he only had about a mile to drive to HP.

I noticed the previous time he didn't have anything to drink either. I saw some hard liquor in his kitchen and since we share a credit card I see he goes to liquor warehouses, etc. Is he not drinking with me because he is developing a problem with alcohol and doesn't want to show it? I'm not familiar with alcoholics -- none in my family or H's. Just curious about it.

Do I say nothing about D? Do I plan on using my own L and asking him to pay for it? Would he be expected to?

Why does he keep wanting to ML when he said he doesn't want to any more and I agreed it was a good boundary?

He's been super nice lately too with buying things for S12 and me at the store that we need and offering to help more in the house. Guilt? Would I expect that behavior to dwindle after a while?

While I'm on a roll with questions, what do I do about Thanksgiving & Christmas? I mentioned Thanksgiving two nights ago and that I might take the boys to one of my sister's houses (a day's drive away). Sounded like H might come too! How weird would that be?

Sounded like if I have it here at home, H wants to come. Do I do that for sake of family unity or leave him lonely and possibly hooking up with someone else? Or is that a ridiculous thought since he has plenty of time to do that now?

He is looking for a pair of animal-print pants in his size for Halloween. Also, college football party on Sat. he said he bought tattoo stickers for his face but was disappointed no one else at the party had those or some of his other paraphernalia he bought regarding the college team (S19's school). This, of course, from a man who has always hated organized sports. Of course.

Trying to love his strange ways through all of this, yet remain detached.

Still very confused but feel like I'm staying off the roller coaster. Or am I?

rH,
You are trying to analyze the behavior of someone who is in crisis. It's very difficult and nothing is as it appears.

Divorce is expensive and I seriously doubt that he will get it any cheaper than what he has been quoted. This is not like buying a car or an appliance. Legal work takes time and money on the lawyer's part as well as the judicial system. He may also be raising the issue of the cost in hopes that you will volunteer to help pay for it...dont!

As for the issue w/cuddling and ML, I still believe he wants his cake and eat it too. There are any number of reasons why he still wants to do the "booty call", but I would stick to my boundaries on this one as you don't know where he's been and w/whom. Also, he may be testing you to see if you will give in and ML w/him. In his mind, he doesn't think you will be strong enough to stick to your boundary on this. Many of them are very confused as to what they want and will bounce back and forth from you to the op and back. Some even do a comparison between us and the op.

The value of the Camry sounds about right. They tend to have a higher resale value and don't depreciate quite as rapidly as others. I would be looking into the blue book value of the Mercedes and see what you discover. I would think the Mercedes would have a nice little value as well. Don't believe everything he's telling you. Do some research for yourself or you may be short changed in the end.

For someone who has been concerned about money and grocery money, he's still moving forward on this two week vacation. I'm sure he's not going to worry about money or expenses while he's gone.

Not all people hate each other when they divorce. Some divorce for different reasons other than utter hatred of each other. I'm sure that if you started questioning him and standing more firmly w/respect to your boundaries and requested additional funding for support, etc., your h would begin to turn into the mlc Mr. Ugly. Right now, you are going along w/him on smooth waters. If the water get ripples and you do not agree w/him on what he's proposing, you will see a dfferent side of him.

He may be doing things around the home and being nice to your son out of guilt or because he's getting ready to go on vacation. The good deeds will most likely dwindle as he moves through his crisis. Some of them are very nice just prior to doing something nasty to us, i.e., like filing for divorce, closing out accounts or removing our names off of car insurance, credit cards, etc. Time will tell on this one.

He may be a closet drinker right now in his self medication. He doesn't want you to see him this way right now and worry. But alcohol is one of the self-medications that they can use. Also, he doesn't want "mom" to worry and try to talk to him about it. It's a secret that he wants to keep from you, just as he would have from his own mother when he was a teenager.

As for the holidays, make your plans w/your children. You can offer up a invitation, but don't push it. Let him decide if he wants to come over or not.

You are now beginning to see the teenager in him, i.e., with respect to the Halloween items he has purchased for the party.

Again, do not believe everything he is telling you about your assets, cars, etc. Do some research because for your sake. You do not want to end up with very little when you are entitled to half of everything. I would check the blue book for the value on ALL of the vehicles and put that information aside as a bargaining chip. Knowledge is power and the more knowledge you have about your situation and finances, the better. Don't allow this man to feed you a line of BS.

Hi rh,

I agree with snodderly about inviting him if you have Thanksgiving at home if he wants to come.That would probably keep things more normal for the kids.

Snodderly, I'll do some research, and continue to hold to my boundaries. Your solid advice means more than you can know.

And ammc, thanks. Yes, I'll invite, plan, make it fun (Thanksgiving) and he can join if he wants to. Coming from his own space.

Journaling:

I don't at all want to get my hopes up, but I have picked up on a much more sincere and flirty tone with H since I stopped ML.

He leaves shortly for his trip today and I'm just seeing things like more engagement with me. We had a couple of flirty texts last night (NOT a textfest, mind you, lol) and he asked if I would send him a pic of me. Then he said jk. You know, probably one of THOSE kind of pics which we used to regularly do. I wasn't entirely sure he was jk.

I also had some trouble with the Mustang stereo which he installed and he was much overly helpful with that even calling me and asking me for a pic of it, telling me where the manual was, and texting S12 to see if I got it figured out. Overkill, if you ask me.

Instead of texting back "Ty" or "thank you" I'm getting "thank you so much!" or instead of "yw" I get "yvw" or "my pleasure".

I encouraged him yesterday that maybe on this vacation he might want to begin journaling. He wanted to do that when he moved out, but didn't. He talked about wanting to do things on the vacation like getting up to watch the sun rise on the beach. I hope Mistress Alcohol doesn't steal these dreams away from him, but, yes, it's not my problem. It's just a great opportunity for him to grow and I hope he takes advantage of it.

Snodderly,

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your posts here on this forum. You must feel like a broken record sometimes having to repeat the same things over and over again in a different way. You do a marvelous job at rephrasing and repeating in a kind and understanding way.

I am starting to "get it" in a lot of ways. Starting to understand my H's unfulfilled needs from childhood/young adulthood. Starting to not react so strongly to his hot and cold spells towards me.

Yesterday, as H embarked on his trip, he happily texted his checkins along the legs of his trip, as you would a spouse. This went on until mid afternoon, when I was pretty sure he started drinking alcohol at the airport, from what he said. Then, I heard nothing more.

I'm sure since he wants to be D, he doesn't want to have to "check in" with a spouse when he gets to his destination. I'm okay with it. I know I'll hear from him soon, when he is sober. Lol! Sorta.

Just really wanted a heartfelt thanks to go out to everyone here. I feel like I've grown so much in my thinking and ways of living since I moved over here to the "MLC" section. I really take to heart advices on all the threads.

I feel like my sitch is getting harder. Like sometimes I feel physically ill when thinking about getting D. But the parts of my day when I feel strong, and sometimes almost energetic (!) are becoming greater.

Thanks, thanks, thanks again!!!

While he is away, do the research on the value of all of the vehicles. Do not share what you find until it is time to actually negotiate the settlement of finances, assets, etc. You will have time to get your ducks in a row w/him away.

I am glad you are starting to have some better times, interspersed with the bad. Focus on you while he's gone.

Hi RH!

Checking in on you. Always reading your thread, even if I don't post. Sometimes, I don't know what to say. I am also thankful for people like Snodderly whose advice is so valuable to us LBS's.

I am glad your H is away, YOU need a break from him and all his madness. Maybe don't reply to every text he sends you? Just an idea. Let him miss you a bit and wonder what you're doing...

I always think about how hard this must be on you. How mixed up and confused your H is. How this MLC crap turns lives upside down and inside out.

You continue to grow each day, in strength and wisdom.

Just wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking about you

Things like this ^^^^ inspire me...

T^2